'KIN 'ELL !! been heavy in here today...so......

Discussion in 'NOW That's What I Call ARRSE 1' started by Auld_Sapper, Jul 12, 2004.

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  1. Now, I dunno if ye've ever tried 'ghost walking' through a wood with a fackin maniac on a lead, but it's no easy let me tell you. However we were fairly quiet and it was all going well until,
    'Oh fcuk ! Where's the tape ?' I'd been concenrating that much on avoiding branches and twigs I'd missed one of the turns marked with mine tape and I could'nt see it.
    'Wassup boss ?' as he was jerked to a halt,
    'We're fackin lost thats what !' I told him with a heart that sank as quickly as me sphincter tighted. 'Oh, sh!t ! This is bad !'
    'Ooo, what ye gonna do then ?' something in me voice must have let him know I was serious and he sat down beside where I was crouched, peering through the gloom in a vain attempt to see the tape. Nothing..
    I tried a few desperate 'PSST ! PSST's' into the darkness. Nothing.
    'Fack sake, what are we gonna do ?' I whinged.
    'Dunno, your supposed to be the fackin brains of this outfit !'

    I knew we could'nt be very far from the tape or the LUP, but...

    I thought about seeing if der hund could sniff his way back, but.....

    ...there was a dozen or so Light Infantrymen in the very near vicinity, armed to the teeth and hunting for bear !

    I sat on the ground and put my head in me hands, all I could think was. 'Oh, fcuk, this is bad !'
    'Ye ain't fackin kidding !' sympathised the Stump as he slumped down into the prone position, 'got any of those biscuits left ?'

  2. We really did seem to sit there for ever. I dunno, probably ten minutes or so, but, fack me !! Sitting there with brown adrenalin running down me leg every sound seemed to be amplified a million times. The pair of us were sitting there and feeding off each others paranoia,

    'Rustle, rustle !!'
    'Wassat !!' he'd stiffen
    'It's a bird or summit. Stupid wee cnut.'

    'Snap !'
    'Christ, whats that ?' I'd start.
    'Issa hedgehog, ye windy tart.'

    and so it went on..

    'PSST !'
    'Fcuk !!' we both jumped
    'PSST, dog handler, you there.'

    Oh !! blessed relief !! I'd have hugged the LI ambusher that found us, but that would'nt have been very tactical or, harumph, manly. But !

    'What the fcuk happened ?' enquired the head LI ambusher as we arrived back to the safety of the LUP.
    'Oh Jesus, I missed the tape on the way back, could'ny see a thing, did'ny want to go wandering about, thought it best to stay put 'til someone missed us...etc, etc......' I wittered like a busrt arrse.

    'Yep, tw*t got us well and trully lost. He was crappin' himself !' confirmed the shameless little cnut of an early warning system, 'got any biscuits mate ?'

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  3. We spent a truly miserable 6 or so hours laid up in the LUP, bribing the dog with biscuits in an attempt to keep his boredem at bay. It started raining and it was fackin freezing. Initially my admiration for the grunts was complete,
    'Anyone who can do this as a job's got my admiration.' I confided in the Stump.
    But the wetter and colder I got it changed too,
    'Anyone who can do this as a job's a complete fackin eejit !! '
    'Fackin right ! Geeza a biscuit.'

    We had to wait until just before it got light before we were to be extracted. It was'nt the dogs fault really but, Christ, he was hard work.

    'Boss !!'
    'What the fcuk now !?!'
    'Need a sh!te boss !'
    'Well, fackin have one then !'
    'What !?, with all these fackers watching me !?!' he looked around at the resting stag who were no more interested in him having a dump than fly in the air.
    'Right ! Come on then.' I made to get up,
    'Where the fack do you think you two are going ?' growled the head LI ambusher.
    'Just gonna take the dug for a sh!te. Just over there a bit.'
    'Hang on a mo, I'm not losing you pair of cnuts again.' and with that he picked up a reel of mine tape and tied the loose end to me fackin webbing !! The fackin shame of it !!!
    'Hah, that's you on a lead too then, eh boss ?' gloated the now completely redundant early warning system, ' c'mon will ye I'm bursting !'

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  4. 'So ! how was the 'bacon tree' then boys ?' says the Bde Sgt who was waiting for me and the Chunky when we got back, 'Bit of an adventure was it ?' he asked breezily.
    'Fackin bacon tree, fackin bacon tree !! I could've fackin died !!........' I let him have it with both barrels.
    '...AND !!' interjected the Chunky, who'd had a similar crappy experience,
    ' you're fackin ambush dogs in Vietnam ??? They accompanied patrols !!They were for DETECTING the fackin ambush, not being part of the fackin thing !!'
    'Oh FFS, calm down !' bristled the Bde Sgt, ' You can always expect a few teething problems with anything new like this. It'll be fine the next time.'
    'The NEXT fackin time !!??!!' we chorused.
    'Yeah, it's not your turn again for another month or two. You'll have it sorted by then, eh ?' and with a 'Must fly !' he facked orf before we could get any further into his mince.

    'Christ what are we gonna do about this bacon tree nonsense ?' I asked the Stump as we stood in the shower trying to get rid of the cam cream.
    'Dunno about fackin bacon trees but, if ye don't let me out of this shower right now I'm gonna bite yur fackin balls off !!'

    Despite our protests the bacon trees went on and with no more success.
    One of the Paras dogs got spooked, bolted and hit a trip flare wire.
    The Planks dog, which was actually a Lab but, as he had no tail, looked and acted like a Doberman, attacked one of the Gimpy gunners when the guy would'nt give up the Gimpy that the dog had 'found'.
    Another Engineer dog was sacked for snoring too loudly and, the Welsh war mongers dog fcuked off when he was sleeping and was returned three days later by the RUC.

    Twas a complete fiasco that only stopped after a dreadful tragedy down on the border that, fortunately, did'nt involve any dogs.

    Aye, fackin bacon trees !! Fackin Pet Corp and thier mad plans !! Mind you, we did stand too attention every time the National Anthem was played thereafter.
    No matter how rediculous the UDR looked !!!

    Ubique ya bass !!!
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  5. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    'Soldier S (for Stumpy)' - my life as one of Them
    'How I brought Peace to N.I.' by Stumpy & A-S
    'Unarmed combat' by Stumpy
    'My bark is not worse than my Bite' - by Stumpy
    'Tails of the Troubles'

    Many such titles.
  6. :D Cheers folks !!

    How about :

    'How I Put Up With and Carried a Complete Fackwit in Ulster' by..

    Stumpy !!
    • Like Like x 1
  7. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer


    How to train a Dog Handler
  8. Then there's

    "Dances with Tossers"

    "How Dumb is my Handler"

    "The Loneliness of a Bacon Tree Hunter"

    Absolutely fcuking brilliant A-S. You must find a publisher.
    RIP Stumpy.

    Mod, you should 'Sticky' these ripping yarns.
  9. My colleauge has just asked me"Whats a Dug" :lol:
  10. Ok after having been cajoled, threatened and complained to, because lazy members :wink: cannot be arrrsed to search for this thread.
    it has now made it to "sticky" status :lol:

    so if you do lose it it will be near the top of page one in the NAAFI Bar :lol:
  11. When I woke up this morning I just had a feeling it was going to be a good day :D :D :D

    Praise be CC :lol: :lol: :lol:
  12. 8O Heaven ! Stickied !? What a blast. Better get me thinking cap on ! And der Stump imortalised in Mighty's sig ! Fabby, good one MB the posing wee cnut would no doubt approve. Ye'se have fair cheered me up after a tw*t of a day. Went to work at 2 am. My car was there. Got back at 8 am, and there it was, gone ! Fackin thieving scrotey wee fackers. Found it three miles away embedded in a bridge parapet. Only plus is the passenger air bag failed and there's an awesome headshaped bulge in the windscreen where the fackers heed hit it. Nae blood tho' unfortunately. I mean it's only a fackin M reg Escort but it's the hassle FFS. Barstewards !!

    Still, like I say ye've cheered me up ! Cheers peeps.

    Ubique ya bass !!!
    • Like Like x 2
  13. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    A-S, were there any progeny from Stumpy? Are there Sons (Grandsons, Great Grandsons etc) of Stumpy populating the Province as we speak?

    We have had Rinty, Khan and of course the star of the Show - Stumpy. Any other cast members?

  14. Dunno for sure Inf, but judging by the number of bitches that were, ahem, procured ** for the dog by the guys on cordon during the odd occupied searches we did, the law of averages says there must be some !! Fack knows what they'd look like tho' !!

    Ubique ya bass !!!

    ** legal definition ? abducted and raped !?
  15. 8O am a trying massa ! am a trying !!! Actually I'm wanna take Vicki_127 up on her seceratarial offer but she'll no send me the required, undraped, photo with her CV so's I can complete the job interview !!! :wink:

    And, I've got to sort oot the 'scrotes stole ma motor' mince.

    Ubique ya bass !!!