'KIN 'ELL !! been heavy in here today...so......

:lol: Aye well, he's aboot the right height to play Stumpy dude !! :lol:

Me to play the part of A_S (make up should be able to cope with the ravages of time).
Halle Berry, Jenna Jameson, Rachel Stevens and Claudia Christian to play the 'love intrest' parts of the birds at the Castle D discos.
Gucci to supply the combats and other clothing.
Harley Davidson to supply the bike and biker gear.
and as this will probably be a Hollywood 'revisionist' movie we'll have McNab and Ryan to advise on tactics, the US Airforce to supply the ariel bombardments prior to the searching of Shamus O'Doggles garden shed, Smith and Wesson, Colt, Kalashnikov, Heckler and Koch et al to provide the the absolute mountain on weaponary the Stump will find in the movie and Wullie the choggy to play himself as there's only ever been one Wullie the Choggy.
The US Navy could supply an Aircraft carrier group to play the part of the Bootie patrols on Strangford loch and we'd all be charging about in Hummers painted up to look like series 3 landrovers.

Oh and we'd all have to stand around at sunset as the tattered, but defiant, flag is lowered, y'know like we did, then sit brooding over our beers in the NAAFI over the 'rights and wrongs of this gawd awful intractible waaarr,' and finally,choking back tears, hug each other and say things like 'ah luv you man !!' Meanwhile Tom Cruise can be lying in the corner, chewing somebodies dessies muttering 'Pansy fackers, The lot o'ye's !'

Hhmmm, d'ye think Hollywood script writers trawl ARRSE looking for inspiration ?

Thye'll need cast of thousands too, who's up for it ?




Ubique ya bass !!
 
Tom Cruise's people got back to me.

They basically like A_S's scenario. There will just have to be a few minor changes to make the picture more intelligible to the American viewers.

[A_S, they say we've got to do that to get the kind of ticket sales that will support the endorsements and product spin-offs, including the "Auld Sapper" (trademark) and "Stumpy" (trademark) action figures.]

A_S and Stumpy are seconded to the Los Angeles Police Department at the urgent request of the US Secretary of State (Angelina Jolie) to use their unique abilities to help cut down on drug gang activity.

They report to the office of the chief (Sylvester Stallone), who seems like an impatient, irritable, suspicious person, but actually has a heart of gold.

The chief assigns them to work with another K-9 team (Denzel Washington and a German Shepherd).

Initially, Denzel doesn't like or trust A_S and the German Shepherd doesn't like or trust Stumpy.

Denzel says: "Who're you, man? I don't work with a partner and I don't want a partner." Sly Stallone says: "Sorry, man, you've got no choice. We've got orders from Washington."

At first, Denzel makes hostile remarks to A_S. He tells him, for instance, not to play his bagpipes inside the patrol car. And not to wear one of those "Scotch skirts."

However, the foursome bonds through the shared experience of numerous crack house takedowns, high speed car chases, and exchanges of full-auto gunfire with the bad guys.

There is a brief appearance by Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger reprising his role as a homicidal robot in "The Terminator."

In the climactic ending, A_S and Stumpy rescue the mayor (Uma Thurman) and a bus full of school children (played by themselves).
 
Not_Whistlin_Dixie said:
Tom Cruise's people got back to me.

They basically like A_S's scenario. There will just have to be a few minor changes to make the picture more intelligible to the American viewers.

[A_S, they say we've got to do that to get the kind of ticket sales that will support the endorsements and product spin-offs, including the "Auld Sapper" (trademark) and "Stumpy" (trademark) action figures.]

A_S and Stumpy are seconded to the Los Angeles Police Department at the urgent request of the US Secretary of State (Angelina Jolie) to use their unique abilities to help cut down on drug gang activity.

They report to the office of the chief (Sylvester Stallone), who seems like an impatient, irritable, suspicious person, but actually has a heart of gold.

The chief assigns them to work with another K-9 team (Denzel Washington and a German Shepherd).

Initially, Denzel doesn't like or trust A_S and the German Shepherd doesn't like or trust Stumpy.

Denzel says: "Who're you, man? I don't work with a partner and I don't want a partner." Sly Stallone says: "Sorry, man, you've got no choice. We've got orders from Washington."

At first, Denzel makes hostile remarks to A_S. He tells him, for instance, not to play his bagpipes inside the patrol car. And not to wear one of those "Scotch skirts."

However, the foursome bonds through the shared experience of numerous crack house takedowns, high speed car chases, and exchanges of full-auto gunfire with the bad guys.

There is a brief appearance by Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger reprising his role as a homicidal robot in "The Terminator."

In the climactic ending, A_S and Stumpy rescue the mayor (Uma Thurman) and a bus full of school children (played by themselves).
8O 'kin 'ell Dixie, you've got a wilder imagination than me !! Either that or you've got better sh!t that I can get here !! :wink:


Ubique ya bass !!
 
Morning all, glad everyones still enjoying the tails !, fack me this thing growing horns, wings and everything. The response has really got me gobsmacked (it's also a fackin awesome boost tae the ego n'aw :wink: ) so, the good news, after speaking with a couple of members from here and getting some input from a journo aquaintance of mine I'm going to have a serious look at seeing if someone is interested in publishing this cobblers. Now I've got a couple of favours.
Firsty, someone, Rajaz I think, suggested a while back about cartoons to illustrate, and pad out, the action which I think is a great idea, is thier anyone out there thats a budding or actual cartoonist that would be interested in helping ? Whilst I freely admit to being a pissartist I'm a pish artist, if ye see what I mean.
Secondly, me journo. aquaintance suggested a couple of things. A title, obviously !, and header titles for the paragraphs. Again, I'm at a loss and I'd really appreciate any thoughts ye might have along with any other advice, comments etc you might have about such a project (ye's did ask for it after all !!).
Now, the bad news, the other advice/instruction I've had, and I can see where it's coming from, is there's to be no more posting of potential material on the site in the meantime. So in the best Corp tradition of ignoring good advice you've been given here's a wee story to put the thread to bed for the moment. With thanks too Steamywindows tail in the Tall Tales section for inspiration, here's a chapter I've called
Pistols, Fits and a Guilty Conscience



TBC
 
Prior to joining the Dog Unit I'd never clapped eyes on a pistol let alone handle and fire one. I'd had the usually UK based RE fare. The good old SLR was the main one and, whilst a fine gun, it was a bitty fragile as an Engineers weapon. The butt tended to split when used for hammering pickets into the ground and the flash eliminator would bend out of shape if you made use of this facility to burst the metal banding on stores crates. I had an SMG for a while when I was Tp wally op and while this was a handy, fold away thing for excersices, it was rubbish on the ranges. Mind, it was while I was using this gat that I got my first 'Marksman' qualification on the range. Well, it was for the five minutes it took the range staff to realise that three of us had been firing at the same figure 11 traget and then they were mightily unimpressed that even three of us firing at the same target could only get a 'Marksman' score by one shot. My favourite gun was the venerable LMG which I'd volunteer to carry on every excersice just so's I could be the one too blat off a shit load of blank ammo from the hip,Captain Commando style, during the section attacks. I'd also lugged a feckin Charlie G around often enough when ever I drew the short straw and that was nae fun. Really ! in ten years in the Engineers I never even saw so much as a drill round for that thing, I suppose we could have always jammed the tracks of enemy armour with the thing or maybe snucked up behind and clubbed the commander if he stuck his heed out the hatch. Nope, the Browning Hi-Power 9mm pistol was as unknown and mysterious to me as being able to complete a present arms without cutting myself with a bayonet or having the magazine come clattering off when you gave the gun a good slapping. Pistols were the weapon of issue for dog handlers and I first laid hands on one when I started as a guard dog handler at Kesh.


TBC
 
Now the ADU being the ADU they did'nt bother with such pesky, waste of time and rescourse nonsense like weapons training or familiarisation, oh no, you pitched up at the Ops Room inside the jail and signed for a pistol and a mag of ten before you're stag and handed it over to your relief a couple of hours later. Mere details such as 'How diz this work ?' and 'Whats this furr ??' were passed on by your mates and given that I'd arrived there a few weeks after the Annual Personal Weapons Test I never even fired one of the things before I left to retrain as a Wagtail. Mind the state these gats were in I'd have had serious thoughts about doing anything as rash as trying to fire a bullet through them. They were so worn that they looked chrome plated and if you shook them too hard the top slide would fall off. Still the common consensus was that if you were in a situation where you needed to fire one of the things then you really were right up sh!t creek withoot a paddle and you'd be as well surrendering. Things changed a bit when we returned to Kesh after the Wagtail course when we were issued with a personal pistol that was a least the right colour, but you still had the impression that we were the poor relations that were given the cast offs. I mean the one I was initially issued with was one of those Canadian made things with a ramp sight that went too 600 yards FFS !?! and a slot at the back for clipping in some kind of butt thing which I suppose would have been handy for hitting anything over ten feet away and might have helped me hit something during the APWT's we did on Brigade. But then with the Bde APWT's accuracy with the pistol was rather academic as tests usually consisted of signing out the required ammount of ammo, blatting it down the 30m range and then falsifying the results. No one ever taught us how to fire the things properly and it was a year or so later, when some RUC coppers I was sharing a range with took pity on me after they'd stopped pishing themselves laughing, that gave me some instruction and reduced the chances of me shooting myself, the dog or anyone standing beside or behind me. But still, as Steamywindows was saying, it was a pretty cabby thing to have as a teenager and they also issued us with shoulder holsters !How cool ? How James Bond ? How special agent ? How fackin stupid ?


TBC
 
The issue shoulder holsters were awful things. They were made of some kind of leatherette PVC and the bit where you stuck the gat was big enough to take a bazooka. This, coupled with the fact it was held shut by a big plastic clip of the type you'd find on a bergen, meant that you needed twenty minutes and three hands to draw the barsteward, but, there was other holsters available from the handlers who were finishing thier time and RTUing. These were the proper American jobbys that had been privately purchased and passed on from guy to guy. They looked brand new, I later found out why, and were totally cool with white canvas strapping and brown, tooled, leather for the holster part. Just like ye saw in the cop movies and just like in the cop movies they were of a open front, quick draw design, with the pistol held in place by a spring clip around the middle of the holster. So, gear aquired and a handy full length mirror, and we were quick draw practiced and raring to go in short order ! It only took about three or four weeks to realise what a usless piece of junk we'd been conned into buying. Open front, quick draw holsters are all very well for American detectives, but these things were obviously designed for much lighter gats than yer standard Army 9 milly lump. Move suddenly, jump or even just sit down and out would plop the Browning. Reach out to select an LP from the record counter in Woollies in Lisburn and out would clatter your side arm onto the tiled floor. Oh dear ! That and finding yourself the only clown sitting in the pub sweating like a rapist in a hood because ye can't take your jacket off, because you've got your James Bond rig on underneath, and the novelty soon wore off and you reverted to what everyone else did and stuck the gun anywhere handy.
Still, I got me money back by flogging the damn thing to some dreamer idiot who was starting on Bde when I was leaving. Hey ho, what comes around goes around, eh ?
I did buy another holster to use when I Wagtailing, a '44 patt webbing one that was a decent buy. I looked like a feckin holster and with a few mods suited the Browning fine. It was bought to replace the issued '58 patt one which was complete abortion of flaps and clips and as much use as t!ts on a bullock. The '44 patt one did the job and kept the pistol nice and secure and handy for whenever it was needed.

Like the time the Stump decided too go scrapping with one of the locals.

TBC
 
Now while me and the boy were charging about the green place the Army was busy building a couple of new bases down on the border. Well, when I say building 'new' bases they were sort of rebuilding the original ones which had been fairly bog standard RUC barracks until the current round of the 'Troubles' had started. The extra demands of having the Army camped there and the fact that the locals lobbed mortars onto them occasionaly meant they were undergoing fairly major reconstruction at the hands of the British Armies very own Whimpey, Her Majesties Corp of Royal Bodgers and Wreckers. All good and well but Wedgehead the Constructor needed sh!t loads of stores and materials and as there was a 'No Driving' rule within twenty five miles of these places, due to the annoying habit the locals had of blowing the roads up, shifting enough gear down when Bob the DPM Builder called for it was a major operation. The stores ops did'nt happen that often, well, usually every four months or so when a new Squadron moved in and the whole show would kick off with the Infantry moving out and digging in along the whole length of the route. Stage two was the RE search teams with a Wagatil each searching and clearing the routes which, to save time, was searched from either end with the teams meeting in the middle. Once searched and secured the convoys would rumble down and keep rumbling down until everything was delivered. A couple of the ops that happened when I was there went on for two days ! Like I say, major operation.
I knew there was one of these stores runs due when I arrived back after a couple of days off. They were never a problem for me or the boy but I was facking annoyed to find that the fat fcuk, op dodging hoo-er in the Section
had managed to get himself onto the reserve list and that me and the hound were scheduled to fly out that night to stay with the REST in one of the sh!te holes to cover the sharp end of the serch the next day. I made sure the tw*t knew what I thought of his antics, but headed off. I did'nt mind going at all because the Squadron that had moved in was my old one and it was a chance to catch up, it was just the principle of the fat fcuk dodging another op. Still, I got me gear and the dog together and spent a pleasant night catching up with the auld mates and had the hangover from hell the next morning as we left the camp and headed for the edge of town to start the clearance.


TBC
 
So, anyway, we gets to the start point and I gets Stumpy harnessed up and away we go. We'd hardly started and were passing the bottom of this driveway when I hears this snarling and looking across sees this fack orf big Alsation advancing down the drive. Now I knew the locals did'nt have much time for us down there but from the way this hound was advancing towards us, teeth bared, hackles up and giving it nanty I'd guessed he was a probably a Republican sypathiser and was'nt best pleased to see us either. I looked back to check where the Stump was as it was becoming apparent that the focus of Shamus the slavvering Alsation was our very own Brit barstewrd Labrador who suddenly realised we had some company, stopped searching, got the lips and the hackles up and adopted 'the pose'.
Now any mutt the size of the dwarf, faced with opposition the size of the Alsation, and with half an ounce of sense would have facked orf in the opposite direction. Not Stumpy. Like any typical short arrsed squaddie who thinks he's invicible, he snarled a 'Right, Paddy, want some do ye ?!' charged the other dog and before I could do or say anything the pair of them were rolling about the middle of the road in snarling, gnashing heap.I went to move to help him and froze when I heard two SLR's cocking behind me !!
'FFS ! DON'T SHOOT YE'LL HIT THE WRONG FACKIN DOG !!' I squecked and making sure they got the message, drew the browning, gripped it by the barrel and brandishing it like a tomahawk, jumped in to help my oppo who was doing a fackin good impression of coming second.


TBC
 
Now I don't know if you've ever done it, but getting between two dogs that are scrapping is something I don't do as a regular pastime of choice. There was teeth gnashing and biting, growling, grunting and snorting and the howl and yelp as one or the other managed to nail each other. The Dwarf was rolling about underneath biting at any ankle or leg that was near him and the Alsation was hopping about and getting the odd bite onto the boy before he rolled out of the way again. It could'nt last much longer before Stumpty got badly hurt so, with a swift boot in the ribs to wind him, I gripped the enemy by the collar and brought the pistol down on his head to deliver the c'oupe de grace'. Except he ducked, I missed the tw*t and clobbered the Stump instead. Not any glancing blow either, oh no, twas a full on, 'Take that ya bast*rd !' skull splitter. ! Oh sh!t !!! The Stump staggered back three paces, rolled his head and collapsed into a leg jerking, body twitching, mouth foaming, full blown grand mal epileptic fit, I completely lost it and with a roar of curses got laid into the fackin Alsation, lamped the hoo-er with a couple of belters and them left him to the tender mercies of the half section that had got waded in, the other half section being busy with the owner of the culprit who'd arrived on the scene and was being arrested for 'damaging Army property' or some such. I dashed over to the Stump, praying to God that I had'nt killed the poor facker, and set about administering first aid.



TBC
 
I was'nt the first time I had to deal with the him throwing a fit, it was the first time I'd caused it , true, but the treatment you give a dog is the same as you'd give a human. Airways clear, shove something in thier gob to stop them biting thier tongue, try to get them into a quiet, darkened place and give reassurance until they come round, so after getting his tongue out the way, shoving a first field dressing between his teeth and not having a quiet, darkened room to put him in I whipped of the jacket and covered his head. Then carrying him onto the grass at the side of the road I sat down with him and talked as soothingly as I could until he came round,
'Aw fcuk I soo sorry mate !'
'I did'nt mean to hit you !'
'Please don't die !'
and so on until the fit subsided and he started to come round.
As he came too, rolled off his side and into the prone I removed the jacket,
'Oh fcuk son ! you're alive, thank God !!'
'Duh ! what the fack happened there !?!' his head lolled a bit and his eyes rolled in thier sockets, ' that fackin Alsations got a kick like a mule !!'
It was then that I noticed the blood that was congeling on the back of his head. Oh fcuk ! I gave him a quick check and discovered a three quarter inch laceration where I'd gubbed him with the pistol. 'Oh sh!t, this just gets worse !' I moaned as the saracen from the camp arrived and out jumped two medics who immediately headed towards us.
'You OK, Jock ?' they enquired urgetly as they both dragged me to my feet, 'how many fingers am I holding up ?!'
'Eh ? What the fcuk ? Eh three ! Why ?'
'Erm no, it's two actually ! We were told you'd had a fit and collapsed, you OK ?'
'Eh ? Aw naw, no me, the dug ? The fackin dug had the fit !' and I filled them in on what had happened.
'Oh well, he looks OK now, eh?'
'Aye, I know, but, erm, there's something else.' and I showed them the lump I'd taken out the dogs bonce, 'can ye do anything for him. I'll have to take the poor sod all the way to Kesh otherwise.'
'Well, I've only ever sutured blokes before but why not ? Get him into the Sarrycan and we'll sort him out back at the camp. There's a chopper on it's way for you anyway.'
and with that we went back to the base where I held Stumpys head while the boy did the business. Cracking job although the dog was far from the ideal patient and it saved me from explaining to the Pet Corp why I'd pistol whipped the dog ! But, good grief, I felt guilty as sin !

We piled on board the chopper and flew back to our base where, waiting to board and fly in to replace me and the Stump was the fat skiving fcuk,
'Heard yer dog was badly hurt !' he whinged as we came past, 'does'nt look very badly hurt to me. I'm having to go down to replace you !'
'Hah, he is hurt and he's on light duties ! Tough titty ! Get yer fat arrse doon tae the sharp end the boys are waiting for ye. Stag on ya fcuker!!'

'Thats a bit of a result,' I says to the dog as we walked back to the accomodation, 'that tw*t having to replace us, eh ?'
He looked up at me as we walked and gave me the look,
'Aye, but your gonna have to go some to make up for gubbing me ya tw*t !'
he accused.
'I know, I know,' I replied guiltily, 'tell ye what, you up for a night at the Holfast disco at Castle Dillion ?'
'Facken A !' he brighten, 'that'll do, no done any dirty dancing for ages !' he wagged,
'Now, feed me something nice and be good too me and I'll see about forgiving you, ya arrsehole !'






Ubique ya bass !!!
 
Fackin' brill, I'd buy some !! I've got some better piccys of der hund but they're packed away at the mo. I shall endevour to get a grip and see if I can track them doon.

Ubique ya bass !!!
 
Urm Not Bad........

No its

Fecking Great.

I saw some crazy dogs at Sennelarger who were awaiting posting to the Maze.
Who had been mistreated by MoJo (MSO) Handlers
and the VC's did not seem to care.

Stumpy gets my vote anytime.
 
Outstanding.

I will buy the book...

As for cartoonists....whay about the guy who does the cartoon in Navy news? will look in my "jack speak" book as he illustrated that too....

will pm his name and the publishers details tonight ok.

Rincewind
 
Just a few thoughts, along the lines of getting something published.

There was a book called "RATS" that would have been published at soem point around 80-83. It was about a mutt called Rats, that had been adopted by the people who were in XMG between 77 and 80. If you can find and old copy and the publisher, they might be interested in doing a similar jobbie.

Write everything down. Lots of files, with lots of topics, and ignore the subject, title, heading, format and so on. That bit gets done later by the helpers that are called the editing staff. Start each topic with a rough estimate of when it happened. Start by copying everything that you have done so far.

I didn't check if you have the record for the most hits, but you are probably up there with the best of them. Use this as evidence to the publisher that there is an interest in your work.
There are a lot of people who read this post. Some of them will already know people who publish stuff. Alternatively, they know people, who know people. It should be possible to follow this loose chain to someone that will bite.
Hopefully, the people who have read and enjoyed this thread, can onw assist by posting additional information about how you get stuff published.

End of my 2 pennies worth, lets see what the rest of you lot reading this can do to assist a strugling artist in getting his work to print...... 8)
 
baldermort said:
Just a few thoughts, along the lines of getting something published.

There was a book called "RATS" that would have been published at soem point around 80-83. It was about a mutt called Rats, that had been adopted by the people who were in XMG between 77 and 80. If you can find and old copy and the publisher, they might be interested in doing a similar jobbie.

Write everything down. Lots of files, with lots of topics, and ignore the subject, title, heading, format and so on. That bit gets done later by the helpers that are called the editing staff. Start each topic with a rough estimate of when it happened. Start by copying everything that you have done so far.

I didn't check if you have the record for the most hits, but you are probably up there with the best of them. Use this as evidence to the publisher that there is an interest in your work.
There are a lot of people who read this post. Some of them will already know people who publish stuff. Alternatively, they know people, who know people. It should be possible to follow this loose chain to someone that will bite.
Hopefully, the people who have read and enjoyed this thread, can onw assist by posting additional information about how you get stuff published.

End of my 2 pennies worth, lets see what the rest of you lot reading this can do to assist a strugling artist in getting his work to print...... 8)
Cheers Baldermort :D Aye I remember Rats, the stray that adopted the Army at XMG. Twas the Welsh Guards that were there when Rats hit the media and was featured in a local news prog that was done about the Guards and 'won the heart of a nation' and got a book deal.
There's a wee tale or two about Rats.

There was a mixed response to Rat's elevation to hero status within the Dog Unit at the time,
' C'meer, ya fackin civvy wannabe cnut !' was the comment made by one, now famous, member of the Dog Unit as he chased Rats up and down a corrider in The Mill. 8O

I've also had a fantastic response from members here re help with this project, my PM in box has been bulging bigger than Lynford Cristys running shorts !

Cutaway, cheers mate, I've got a copy of said book, again, it's still in the packing crates with the rest of me stuff at the mo. Not too long now tho' and I'll be unpacking !! In the fackin sunshine too !!


I hope



Ubique ya bass !!!
 
Is there a translate option on this site?

Gore.
 
Noi say hair, yer luppy fock ye ! Annie moar o' yior shoite and O'll punch yea sae aften, yai'll thunk yur surroundut , so oi wull, begorra !




Ubique ya bass !!!
 

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