'KIN 'ELL !! been heavy in here today...so......

Discussion in 'NOW That's What I Call ARRSE 1' started by Auld_Sapper, Jul 12, 2004.

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  1. 8O 8O 8O 'Kin 'ell !!!!! 8O 8O 8O

    'Calm down dear ! It's only a commercial !'

    Just found the the cnuts at BT have cut off the phone but left the broadband going !! So you're lucky I suppose !!

    Right just enough time to squeeze in another wee story before they cut it off.

    So anyway, Stumpy and the 7D's.

    Now ye see...CLICK.....bbbbbrrrrrrrrr..............................
  2. I must confess that I am a stumpy fan but please tell us more about rinty. Was it just you or had he damned near killed any other handlers. Was it just because you made/attempted to make him heel or was he just a naturally mean little barsteward.

    Please more.

    You know you can finish a move in a day with the new system.
    I cannot last much longer

  3. In a desperate and frantic attempt to get my fixx of "stumpy does the province" stories. I have borrowed my in laws dog.

    I have tried to make her more aggresive but even though she is a complete bitch, she is sadly left wanting in the aggresion department.

    The bitch wont wrestle. she runs of and hides under the bed.

    I have tried to get her to growl and snarl, at the slightest thing. With constant abuse telling her she is "nothing compared to stumpy" and "stumpy is gonna feck you then eat you" she just looks at me blankly.
    Wags her tail and expects me to play fetch.

    So I need, No, we need stumpy and friends speedy return.
  4. H3

    H3 LE

    I met a STUMPY-LIKE a few years ago in Hong Kong, Morgan was his name , took a shine to me ,NOT, fecker wanted to kill me every time our paths crossed and only ME :? ,oh them was the day`s !!!!!!!!!
  5. Hulloo everybody !! Feckme !! I'm now sitting in front of a bells and whisltes, flashing doobry all singing and dancing computery fecking thing. Hey, this mothers got FST, 1Giga byte broadband, hoojy capive thingy thing and f*ck off fast. I've moved in with me kids and they've got the garage converted into somethinng that resembles the Star Trek Enterprise. As we speak, me daughter, who's sitting on another another bells and whistles computer thingy on 'the network ??' is laughging her t*ts off after being introduced to ARRSE !!!

    I've just had me first night out in this little old town with the kids and had a frecking ball tonight. Twas brill and I'm a tad rubbered. I peromise some more Stumpy stories. Honest , trust me, I was a Sapper !!! Just not tonite.

    Anyway, now I'm pished and ye can feck orf !! :wink:

    In the mean time you can introduce yourself/renew yout aquaintance with Stumpy by visiting the Gallery.

    Ublique yaba
    ss !!
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  6. Ive now managed to get the inlaws dog, to growl at any one that looks like a politician.

    The bitch also tried to swamp on a bloke wearing white socks and sandals. Which I thought was hilarious :lol:
  7. Down on the Border near so and so there was a HGV search facility where the RE Search Teams could while away a shift ripping trucks too bits. Some days they wanted dug support some days they did'nt. I personally liked the days they did'nt because the job was ball bustingly boring.

    So, this day me and the boy had drawn the short straw and were at the search station with a REST, watching the a paint dry. We'd been at it for few hours, the usual routine, wagon in, order/convince/threaten a bored out his tits Wagtail to give it the once over and then watch as the oggies delicately and profesionally dismantle the thing with thier hammers and crowbars.

    As usual, after the first few trucks had been through, the word had gone round and the other traffic had diverted or put off thier trip 'til we were gone and the only stuff coming through were local cars. We were standing about shooting the sh!t when this battered auld Ford Cortina came chugging and rattling down the road heading for the South spewing smoke and sagging at the back.
    'Fcuk it' says the RESA 'we're doing fcuk all anyway, give it a pull'
    and so the car was brought in and a very 'rural' looking local got out.

    'Noi, whad yea's want tay bay stopping may fur ? Oi'm a baysy man ye know. Oi've nathin yea'sub bay unterested in.' he brouged ' so hoy abite oi jerst toddle on me way, hey ?'

    'Eh ?' says the RESA, who had'nt understood a word,
    'He's a busy man and wants to go' one of the others, who spoke colloquial Paddy, helpfully translated.

    'I'll decide who goes and who does'nt.' huffed the RESA 'now tell him to open the boot up.'
    'HE can understand you, sarge.' said the helpful translator.
    'Oh, right ! Right come on sir, open the boot, let us check it and you can be on your way.' says the RESA reasonably.
    'Ah noi, oi dohnut tink ye wanme toi bay do-in dat, so oi dohnut, sorr. oi'm a baysy man yer know'
    'Open the boot, sir, now !' more firmly this time.
    'Oi dohnut tink.....'
    'I don't fecking care what you think, OPEN the fecking boot. NOW'
    'And on who's awtority should I be openin de boot den sorr' enquired the local.
    'Her Majesty the fcuking Queen, !' exagerated the RESA, 'now open the fcuking boot or I fcuking well will !'

    While this facinating cultural exchange was going on the dog had wandered over and shown some interest in the back of the car. He stuck his nose to the line of the boot lid and sniffed very deliberatly a few times then moved along and did the same at another bit. It was'nt a proper indication but something in the boot was tickling his olfactory senses. I pointed this out to the, by now rather annoyed, RESA.
    'RIGHT YA FECKING AULD TWERP !! OPEN THE FCUKING BOOT NOW OR I WILL !! he exploded and beckoned over a true troglodite of a Sapper armed with a fcuk off big crow bar.
    'Oil roite, oil roite, oi'll opun ut,' relented the local,' don't say oi did'nt warn yeas tho'

    So he did.
  8. The boot lid swung up and..
    'FCUK ME !! WHAT THE FCUK ARE THOSE !!!' yelped a startled Stumpy as two pigs stuck thier heads and trotters out of the boot !
    'AAAIIIIEEEEE !!! A DOG !!!!' squealed the paddy pigs in unison, 'RUN AWAY !!!'
    and leaping out of the boot, bowled the dog over, charged through the gate and belted off down the road towards the border.
    'WOO HOO !!' barked the Stump,'A FCUKING CHASE !!! and tore off after them.
    'FCUKING H'ELL !!' exclaimed everyone else as they started to develop the giggles which quickly developed into gales of laughter as they watched me leg it out the gate screaming the most blood curdling threats at the top of my voice in a vain attempt to retrieve my dog.
    'Oi'll jest be away now den, to recover may pigs eh ' grinned the local.
    'Aye, paddy, fcuk off and if you find an army dog with them, sent it back please !'

    I'd gotten down the road a short distance and had too stop yelling about ripping the dogs c0ck off and shoving it up his arrse as it was upsetting the parishoners coming out of the near by church.Fortunately Stumpy had realised that, being a short arrsed little cnut of a dwarf, and no lurcher he was never going to catch the pigs and was slinking back with that 'Ok,ok, sorry, let's get the bollocking over with' look he always gave you when his insticts got the better of him.

    Since I was still under the critical gaze of the worshiperers I thought better of kicking his cnut in there and then but made him a promise that'd he'd get it later for making me look like a t*at and we walked towards the gates of the search centre where the REST were rolling about in hysterics.

    We finished the stag then and had a brew in the camp cookhouse while we waited for the transport. The RE's were full of it,
    ''...kin brill, funny as fcuk....'
    '.....you should have seen the pigs...'
    '..should have seen Jock there, screaming like a banshee...'
    '...Stumpy was fcuking brilliant......
    and so on and so on and the dog was lapping it up knowing full well that having got away with it he was'nt going to get a doing later.

    ''You know something' piped up one of the quieter,more serious RE's suddenly and we all pawsed to listen.
    'I've been thinking. If I had something to transport across the border in a car and I wanted to distract the search team and a dog. I'd put a couple of pigs in the boot !'

    THAT fcuking thought haunted me for weeks I can tell ye. !!
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  9. Dunno about offspring in the army dude, but he should have some distant relations wandering about the council schemes in the Provence given the number of bitches the boys used to 'procure' for him when we were hanging about between occupied searches !!

    Stumpy was put down about a year after I was RTU'd when I lost a pissing competition with the Old Man. His new handler, by chance, was another RE and he used to write occasionally to me in BAOR and let me know how they were getting on.

    The last letter I recieved had some photos of the dog and the news that his hips, which had always been dodgy, had finally given in and they'd had to put him to sleep. Broke my heart I can tell you. Still get a lump thinking about it now.
  10. Oh, Rinty was naturally a mean little barsteward all right, would'nt have been where he was if he was'nt and he was new to the section and did'nt have a history. Nah, it was my fault. Took me eye off the ball because I was demob happy and did'nt suss him out properly before we stagged on together.

    'Alpha' dogs such as we had at Kesh only understand one thing. The stronger, harder, team member is the one who's in charge and the only way you can safely handle these animals is be stronger and harder than them. Give them an inch and they'll have your nuts, literally. Rinty was fine after we'd had our fall out and a...erm....session with the aluminium feed bowl.
  11. Stumpys 7D's or the Disgustingly Dirty, Demeted and Derpraved Disco Dancing Demonstration.

    We'd been out on the border with the RE's doing a clearance on a car that had been hi-jacked and then dumped blocking the road. It was an obvious come on and the SF had left it to soak for a week or so before we approached it. Me, the RESA and the ATO were following the dog as he cleared an area in an adjacent field. He'd cleared down this hedgerow and I'd stopped him at the end so we could catch up so's I could see him work the next bit.
    'Seek on son !' and he did and disappeared round the end of the hedgerow. We followed and as we walked round the corner there he was, not six feet away, standing on top of a three foot square patch of disturbed earth digging furiously with his paws.
    'ISS HERE, ISS HERE, !!! AM GONNA FETCH IT, AM GONNA FETCH IT !!' he furiously dug.
    A backwards glance at the RESA and the ATO who were legging it back the way we'd come confirmed that they agreed with my take on the situation but the hound was so focussed he ignored my pleas to
    Reluctant to got forward,I crouched down, tho' what fecking difference it would have made at six feet I don't know, and thought furiously.
    Ha ! got it. I whipped out the Browning and with a 'HEY STUMPY !! WASSIS THEN !! ' threw it back the way we'd come.
    'HO YA CNUT !! ISSA GUN, ISSA GUN !!' realised the Stump and with a 'AH'LL
    FETCH IT, AH'LL FETCH IT !!' he tore passed me after the gat.

    I legged it after him, got a lead onto his harness and dragged him, complete with pistol clamped firmly in his jaws, back to where the others had taken cover in a ditch. After I wrestled my, by now doggy slaver covered, pistol off the cnut we watched the ATO do the bizz and dismantle what turned out to be an exceedingly well placed AP mine.

    As was normal the ATO kept a sample of the ANFO contained in the thing and decided to dispose of the rest in situ by detonating batches of it in a nearby ditch.


    The ditch erupted in a huge spout and as we lay there cowering with our hands over our heads,we were spattered by clods of mud and ditch water. We all turned startled eyes to the ATO who, standing with a fcuk off big divot on top of his helmet, announced as only these cool, mad feckers can,
    'hhhmmm, seemed to have miscalculated that one slightly.'
    Mis-fcuking-calculated !??!, I'd sh!t meself for the second time that morning !
    After he'd fininshed destroying the ditch I went over to have a look at the pressure plate he'd recovered and kept.
    'Lucky it was a dud eh boss ?' I enquired.
    'Dud fack all son,' he replied ' if that mutt of yours had been thirty pounds heavier we'd have been mince !'

    My shreddies got it for the third time that day !!

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  12. After we'd cleared up we fired back to the RE's place. I should have headed back to my gaff but the guys were c0ck a hoop as this had been the first 'find' of thier tour and they were determined to celebrate and we were invited. After fobbing my boss off with some cack about another search first light or some such, I fed the mutt and settled him in one of the guys rooms and left him chewing thier civvies. I made my entrance into the bar to shouts of,
    'HOORAY, HERE'S THE WAGTAIL !!' swiftly followed by 'WHERE'S STUMPY, HE FOUND THE FCUKING THING !!!!' and 'IF HE'S NOT HERE, YOU'RE NOT HERE !!!' They were having none of it. The Stump was thier hero and he was to be at the p!ss up, right reason or none. I gave in, went back up to the room and with a 'That'll teach you, selfish fcuker !' response from the dog took him down to the party. He had a ball, lapping up all the attention from the guys and mine-sweeping the tables. I kept one eye on him tho', knowing what sort of animal he could be a wazz ups.

    I don't know how this particular conversation started with one of the RE's ,but the upshot was,
    ''Of coursh ma frucking' dug can dansh, whashrish ?' and calling the dog over says,
    'Dishco danshing shtime boy !'
    His wee face would light up and he'd stand with his arrse towards me. I'd reach under him, gripp his knob and gave him a vigerous merchant bank. Once I'd got him started you could let him go and he'd dance around in a circle, ears back, look of oblivious bliss on his face and pump his hips back and forward like a piston !!
    'HOORAY !! GO FOR IT STUMPY !!!!!' cheered the boys. And he would. The wee fcuker could get such a tempo going that, after a few seconds ...WOOF !!!..he'd come his duff over the floor to louder cheers of 'FCUKING YEAH, HOORAY, WOOPDY DO etc.'
    Having finished his performance Stumpy would give his deposit a wee sniff, look round at the admiring faces and then, usually to cries of
    'OOOOEEEUUURRRGGGGHHH !!!' he'd lick the whole fcuking lot up of the floor !!

    Aye, he was the star turn that night, the only problem was that for the rest of thier tour, if I did'ny watch the fcukers, these Engineer cnuts would fire the wee t*at up and have him bopping all over the place at every oppertunity and he'd be no more inclinded to work that fly in the air afterwards. The remainer of the tour was puncuated with,

    Facking Engineers ? Facking perverts !!

    The dog ? He loved it. Facking tart !!!
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  13. Ok A_S make sure you have these tales copyrighted :wink:

    excellent stuff :lol:
  14. H3

    H3 LE

    Auld_Sapper get yourself a publishing company and write a book , I`d camp out side Smiths for my copy :D
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  15. :D Way hay !! Morning all. Glad yur enjoying the tales and thanks for the feed back, but, books ? publishers ? hmmmm, me thinks a few tales about a daft sweaty on the other end of a lead from an epileptic dwarf in the land of bogs is a bit lean on material to fill a book. Unfortunately :? I fear there's nowt much in my existance that could pad out yer typical squaddie memiors type of publication.
    I had a normal unpbringing, no broken home/parental abuse/runaway from home/life of crime. Had an average mil career, did'ny kill anyone/fight in a war/do feck all herioc and did'nt go on to win word peace/invent a cure for aids or shag anyone famous. Nope, these are just stories about a time in my life I really enjoyed and like to share them with folks that appreciate them.
    But, anyway, its all academic for I am, in reality, a 27 stone, clinically obese, trans gender lesbian with greasy hair, bad skin, halitosis, body odour and terminal haemoriods, who's only pleasure in life, between bulimic mars bar binges, is to come on military web sites and wind up gullable fackers like you lot !! :wink:

    Ubique ya bass !!!
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