'KIN 'ELL !! been heavy in here today...so......


War Hero
shortfuse said:
i can vouch for how aggressive those f**king dogs are , one of my tours was spent at the maze as engineer roulement sqn , they're basically life support machines for a set of teeth , and they used to use us occasionally as "target practice" strictly on a volunteer basis of course , i think i've still got bruises on my arms , but an invite to the "dogs bar" always made up for any damage done.

At the time I was with the ADU every handler had to do guard dogs,Snappers, first as a sort of probation before you went onto the specialist role, Wagtails or Groundhogs. You did two weeks at Melton and then ended up at Kesh/Maze. We were supposed to do at least six months there with the Snappers but I, luckily, only did about three before I retrained. I say luckily because apart from the daily risk of being chewed to fack by some grumpy hound, the job intself was mind numbingly boring. We did 24 'on' patrolling the inside and outside of the big wall round the Maze, 24 'standby' in camp when ye did training, admin and the like and 24 'off' when you could sign out of camp after 0930 to go..ahem..shopping, and then go on the screaming p!sh in good old Lisburn.

When I arrived at Kesh I was teamed up with a dug called Shadow, a veritable feckin horse of an animal . I'm no joking ! you could have saddled this facker and riden him round on patrol. Anyhow, after I'd taken him to a quiet place with his muzzle on and leathered the fack oot him with an aluminium feed bowl, he accepted I was the boss and I never had much of a problem with him. In fact I did quite well in trials with him too. But, after I'd been told I'd got my Spec Dog place Shadow went to a new guy and I did the last shift with one of the 'pool' dogs.

The pool dogs had thier own 'ward' in the canine looney bin that was the Maze kennels and you could tell thier history by how many little red 'handler with a cross through' tallys they had painted on the kennel. The one with the most tallys was Khan which is arabic for 'Flesh rendering,bone crunching,
blood supping, bringer of death'.The big, mad, hairy, people eating f*cker had only ever had one handler ,an even bigger, even madder, much hairier, people eating Royal Hampshire f*cker who'd been RTU'd for biting some handbags from HQNI in Kesh disco. Khan would lurk in the bed box at the back of the kennel and if he even suspected that someone was near he'd come charging out and literaly throw himself against the fence and go into such a frenzy of barking and aggression he's make himself puke. Stone mad. They even had his feed bowl on a chain so's they could feed and water him and if the Vet needed to see him they had to put knock out drugs in his grub ! Why they did'ny just shoot the poor f*cker I'll never know.

'That'll be your dog 'til you leave Jock' says the Sec Cmdr, indicating Khan who was hanging from the ceiling and bending the wires of the cage apart with his teeth.
'You ARE f*cking joking right !?!' I says as Khan slams against the fence and covers me in flecks of frothy spittle.
'Yeah, just kidding, your's is down here, he he !'
Sphincter relaxes.

We left Khan puking his load up and then attacking it, just 'cos he could, and went to a kennel at the end where there was a dog called Rinty. No tallys on the kennel, no kamikaze "am gonna kill ye" antics, just a rather bored looking GSD sitting in the middle of the run watching the world go by and humming to himself.
'Whats the story with him then Sarge ?'
'Dunno Jock, just arrived from Melton the other day. Seems ok tho''
'Right, he'll do.It's just for a couple of days anyway.'



War Hero
Sorry 'bout this. Got absolutley hammered last night. I think the keyborads still pirshed and the creative juices are'nt so much flowing as swilling about like ten pints of guiness in an obese joggers belly.

Anyhoo, where was I, oh aye,


War Hero
..oops :oops:

Anyhow, I pitches up to collect Rinty for our stag and goes into the run
'Hello son, who's a good boy ? Wanna go on stag..blah..blah...blah'
The dog just looked at me blankly and yawned.
'F*ck me.' I thought ' got a real live wire here.'
So, I clipped him up and and with a 'Hurumph' from the dog we headed for the first stag which was round the outside of the nick.
F*ck me I've never met a more boring dog in my life. I chatted to him, told him me best jokes,offered him a ball and showed him the tadpoles in the puddles.
Tickled his ears, showed him some rabbits, promised him a bitch and tried to get him involved in a peeing competition.
Nothing. Nada. Zip.
I got back to the office after the stag,
'Fcuk me, that Rinty's the most boring dog on the planet !' I said to the rest of the guys who were sitting round the table playing Risk.
'Mmmm, s'that right.' they muttered. Bored.
'Kin'ell.' I thought ' maybe it's me.



War Hero
So, a whiley later we goes out for the second stag and this time its internal. The army was responsible for the security outside the nick and the first 'catwalks' which were an area beween the inside of the wall and the first fence. Just bare earth areas about tweny feet wide and a mile long. Mind numbingly boring.

I'd given up trying to engage the dog in conversation and I was blethering to meself as we were wandering along and, without really thinking about it, I checked the dog by giving his lead a tug to get him into heel.
'FCUK ME !!!' he turned and nailed me quicker than a fecking rattlesnake !! He only missed me arm because of the loose sleeve of my waterproofs but he got a fecking big mouthful of that and started tugging backwards like a barsteward.
Thinking 'Hmmm, this is an interesting little situation ?' or some such I tried to choke him off with the collar but the cnut just pulled harder, growling like a maniac. I could'nt get the baton oot me flak jacket so thinking 'This is getting fecking serious.' I whipped out the pistol and whacked the cnut right between the eyes. That make him let got !. He took three steps back, shook his heed and with the most blood curdling fecking snarl I've ever heard, he launched himself at me again.

'AAARRRGGGGHHHH YAAA CCCUUUUNNNNTTTTT' I squawked as I stepped back, tripped over a rock and landed on my arrse.
'AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE !!!!' I squealed as I dogded my head to the side and the jaws slammed shut beside my ear. The cnut had missed my heed but had got a grip on the hood of my waterprofs and was snorting and grunting in my ear.
Panic ? Me ?
Yer fecking right !!!! Squealing like a girlie about to lose her knickers I got the twa*t in a head lock and we started rolling about the ground is a scrap that a far as he was concerned was to the death. I'd lost my grip on the lead and dropped the pistol when I'd fallen and I was getting desperate. I got a hand free and started trying to get a grip on the cnut anywhere I could when, as I got a hand underneath him, I found them.....

Doggy bollox !!!...

'YESSS!!!' I thought and got a grip on his nut sack and did my best to seperate them from his body !!

'OOOOOHHHHHHYYYYYYAAAAAAAFFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKKEERRR !!!' howled Rinty and leapt off me like a scalded cat, or a near debollocked dog I suppose, and started running in circles as he tried to get a look at his scrotum. I scrabbled about and retrieved the pistol and as I went to c0ck it I tripped over the rock, again and landed on my arrse, again. In what I can only descibe as a blind panic I crawled to the wall got my back against it, cocked the pistol and in a voice that sounded just far too shrill yelled,
'COME ON YA FCUKER !!! MAKE MY DAY !!!' or some other Clint Eastwoodish bollox!
But, by now the dog was sitting whinging and licking his nuts and, thinking that shooting the tw*t might spoil my Spec Dog chances, I pounced on the fecker, wrestled a muzzle onto him and tied the cnut to the fence.
Once the hoo-er was secure I sunk to knees and whimpering like a pussy tried to get a fag oot.
'Oi, Jock !!' came a shout. I was completely confused. I looked around.
'Oi, Jock !! Up here ye daft cnut !!' I looked up. Two beaming Sapper faces were looking down from the watch tower.
'That was brillant Jock, gonna do it again ??'

Fcuking Engineers. I fcuking hate them !!


Oh dear!, Oh Hysterics!. Oh No Iv'e just spilled my coffe over the fecking keyboard......
bloody brilliant! btw, how do you reckon the royal hampshire who bit folk came to become a dog handler - did they mistake him for a gsd?
I am fully expecting these stories to appea very soon in a Sunday paper as being revealed after a long and dangerous,undercover operation by their reporters to get this information out of the province... :lol:


War Hero
We're moving hoose over the next couple of days and the Belfast Bitch has threatened to brick me if I don't get off my ARRSE and do something useful.

When I'm back on line in a couple of days I'll tell you about Stumpy's 7D's.
His disgustingly dirty, demented and depraved disco dancing demo.

Cheers peeps :wink:

Ubique ya bass !!!


What a laugh, keep it coming do you think if Stumpy has offspring in the green machine still.....I take it Stumpy is in the Kennel in the sky , hope he went with a GRRRRRRRRRR FCUKING CIVVIES.


War Hero
blessed baby cakes said:
... ......

8O 8O 8O 'Kin 'ell !!!!! 8O 8O 8O

'Calm down dear ! It's only a commercial !'

Just found the the cnuts at BT have cut off the phone but left the broadband going !! So you're lucky I suppose !!

Right just enough time to squeeze in another wee story before they cut it off.

So anyway, Stumpy and the 7D's.

Now ye see...CLICK.....bbbbbrrrrrrrrr..............................


War Hero
I must confess that I am a stumpy fan but please tell us more about rinty. Was it just you or had he damned near killed any other handlers. Was it just because you made/attempted to make him heel or was he just a naturally mean little barsteward.

Please more.

You know you can finish a move in a day with the new system.
I cannot last much longer

In a desperate and frantic attempt to get my fixx of "stumpy does the province" stories. I have borrowed my in laws dog.

I have tried to make her more aggresive but even though she is a complete bitch, she is sadly left wanting in the aggresion department.

The bitch wont wrestle. she runs of and hides under the bed.

I have tried to get her to growl and snarl, at the slightest thing. With constant abuse telling her she is "nothing compared to stumpy" and "stumpy is gonna feck you then eat you" she just looks at me blankly.
Wags her tail and expects me to play fetch.

So I need, No, we need stumpy and friends speedy return.


I met a STUMPY-LIKE a few years ago in Hong Kong, Morgan was his name , took a shine to me ,NOT, fecker wanted to kill me every time our paths crossed and only ME :? ,oh them was the day`s !!!!!!!!!


War Hero
Hulloo everybody !! Feckme !! I'm now sitting in front of a bells and whisltes, flashing doobry all singing and dancing computery fecking thing. Hey, this mothers got FST, 1Giga byte broadband, hoojy capive thingy thing and f*ck off fast. I've moved in with me kids and they've got the garage converted into somethinng that resembles the Star Trek Enterprise. As we speak, me daughter, who's sitting on another another bells and whistles computer thingy on 'the network ??' is laughging her t*ts off after being introduced to ARRSE !!!

I've just had me first night out in this little old town with the kids and had a frecking ball tonight. Twas brill and I'm a tad rubbered. I peromise some more Stumpy stories. Honest , trust me, I was a Sapper !!! Just not tonite.

Anyway, now I'm pished and ye can feck orf !! :wink:

In the mean time you can introduce yourself/renew yout aquaintance with Stumpy by visiting the Gallery.

Ublique yaba
ss !!
Ive now managed to get the inlaws dog, to growl at any one that looks like a politician.

The bitch also tried to swamp on a bloke wearing white socks and sandals. Which I thought was hilarious :lol:


War Hero
Down on the Border near so and so there was a HGV search facility where the RE Search Teams could while away a shift ripping trucks too bits. Some days they wanted dug support some days they did'nt. I personally liked the days they did'nt because the job was ball bustingly boring.

So, this day me and the boy had drawn the short straw and were at the search station with a REST, watching the a paint dry. We'd been at it for few hours, the usual routine, wagon in, order/convince/threaten a bored out his tits Wagtail to give it the once over and then watch as the oggies delicately and profesionally dismantle the thing with thier hammers and crowbars.

As usual, after the first few trucks had been through, the word had gone round and the other traffic had diverted or put off thier trip 'til we were gone and the only stuff coming through were local cars. We were standing about shooting the sh!t when this battered auld Ford Cortina came chugging and rattling down the road heading for the South spewing smoke and sagging at the back.
'Fcuk it' says the RESA 'we're doing fcuk all anyway, give it a pull'
and so the car was brought in and a very 'rural' looking local got out.

'Noi, whad yea's want tay bay stopping may fur ? Oi'm a baysy man ye know. Oi've nathin yea'sub bay unterested in.' he brouged ' so hoy abite oi jerst toddle on me way, hey ?'

'Eh ?' says the RESA, who had'nt understood a word,
'He's a busy man and wants to go' one of the others, who spoke colloquial Paddy, helpfully translated.

'I'll decide who goes and who does'nt.' huffed the RESA 'now tell him to open the boot up.'
'HE can understand you, sarge.' said the helpful translator.
'Oh, right ! Right come on sir, open the boot, let us check it and you can be on your way.' says the RESA reasonably.
'Ah noi, oi dohnut tink ye wanme toi bay do-in dat, so oi dohnut, sorr. oi'm a baysy man yer know'
'Open the boot, sir, now !' more firmly this time.
'Oi dohnut tink.....'
'I don't fecking care what you think, OPEN the fecking boot. NOW'
'And on who's awtority should I be openin de boot den sorr' enquired the local.
'Her Majesty the fcuking Queen, !' exagerated the RESA, 'now open the fcuking boot or I fcuking well will !'

While this facinating cultural exchange was going on the dog had wandered over and shown some interest in the back of the car. He stuck his nose to the line of the boot lid and sniffed very deliberatly a few times then moved along and did the same at another bit. It was'nt a proper indication but something in the boot was tickling his olfactory senses. I pointed this out to the, by now rather annoyed, RESA.
'RIGHT YA FECKING AULD TWERP !! OPEN THE FCUKING BOOT NOW OR I WILL !! he exploded and beckoned over a true troglodite of a Sapper armed with a fcuk off big crow bar.
'Oil roite, oil roite, oi'll opun ut,' relented the local,' don't say oi did'nt warn yeas tho'

So he did.


War Hero
The boot lid swung up and..
'FCUK ME !! WHAT THE FCUK ARE THOSE !!!' yelped a startled Stumpy as two pigs stuck thier heads and trotters out of the boot !
'AAAIIIIEEEEE !!! A DOG !!!!' squealed the paddy pigs in unison, 'RUN AWAY !!!'
and leaping out of the boot, bowled the dog over, charged through the gate and belted off down the road towards the border.
'WOO HOO !!' barked the Stump,'A FCUKING CHASE !!! and tore off after them.
'FCUKING H'ELL !!' exclaimed everyone else as they started to develop the giggles which quickly developed into gales of laughter as they watched me leg it out the gate screaming the most blood curdling threats at the top of my voice in a vain attempt to retrieve my dog.
'Oi'll jest be away now den, to recover may pigs eh ' grinned the local.
'Aye, paddy, fcuk off and if you find an army dog with them, sent it back please !'

I'd gotten down the road a short distance and had too stop yelling about ripping the dogs c0ck off and shoving it up his arrse as it was upsetting the parishoners coming out of the near by church.Fortunately Stumpy had realised that, being a short arrsed little cnut of a dwarf, and no lurcher he was never going to catch the pigs and was slinking back with that 'Ok,ok, sorry, let's get the bollocking over with' look he always gave you when his insticts got the better of him.

Since I was still under the critical gaze of the worshiperers I thought better of kicking his cnut in there and then but made him a promise that'd he'd get it later for making me look like a t*at and we walked towards the gates of the search centre where the REST were rolling about in hysterics.

We finished the stag then and had a brew in the camp cookhouse while we waited for the transport. The RE's were full of it,
''...kin brill, funny as fcuk....'
'.....you should have seen the pigs...'
'..should have seen Jock there, screaming like a banshee...'
'...Stumpy was fcuking brilliant......
and so on and so on and the dog was lapping it up knowing full well that having got away with it he was'nt going to get a doing later.

''You know something' piped up one of the quieter,more serious RE's suddenly and we all pawsed to listen.
'I've been thinking. If I had something to transport across the border in a car and I wanted to distract the search team and a dog. I'd put a couple of pigs in the boot !'

THAT fcuking thought haunted me for weeks I can tell ye. !!


War Hero
H3 said:
What a laugh, keep it coming do you think if Stumpy has offspring in the green machine still.....I take it Stumpy is in the Kennel in the sky , hope he went with a GRRRRRRRRRR FCUKING CIVVIES.

Dunno about offspring in the army dude, but he should have some distant relations wandering about the council schemes in the Provence given the number of bitches the boys used to 'procure' for him when we were hanging about between occupied searches !!

Stumpy was put down about a year after I was RTU'd when I lost a pissing competition with the Old Man. His new handler, by chance, was another RE and he used to write occasionally to me in BAOR and let me know how they were getting on.

The last letter I recieved had some photos of the dog and the news that his hips, which had always been dodgy, had finally given in and they'd had to put him to sleep. Broke my heart I can tell you. Still get a lump thinking about it now.


War Hero
Resurgam said:
I must confess that I am a stumpy fan but please tell us more about rinty. Was it just you or had he damned near killed any other handlers. Was it just because you made/attempted to make him heel or was he just a naturally mean little barsteward.

Oh, Rinty was naturally a mean little barsteward all right, would'nt have been where he was if he was'nt and he was new to the section and did'nt have a history. Nah, it was my fault. Took me eye off the ball because I was demob happy and did'nt suss him out properly before we stagged on together.

'Alpha' dogs such as we had at Kesh only understand one thing. The stronger, harder, team member is the one who's in charge and the only way you can safely handle these animals is be stronger and harder than them. Give them an inch and they'll have your nuts, literally. Rinty was fine after we'd had our fall out and a...erm....session with the aluminium feed bowl.