'KIN 'ELL !! been heavy in here today...so......

Discussion in 'NOW That's What I Call ARRSE 1' started by Auld_Sapper, Jul 12, 2004.

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  1. Now, the town where this section was based was quite big and on a Friday and Saurday night the two local tribes would entertain themselves by getting p!shed as arrses until closing time and then meeting in the main street where they would club the fcuking daylights out of each other until they all got bored. The SF view of this was 'Fine, saves us doing it.' The end result was usually some martyers to either 'Ra Cause' or 'Quain and Coontry' in the A&E and few broken windows. Then a new Unit took over.

    The new OC decided he was having none of this and started deploying bricks into the town at shutting time to control the unrest, the end result of which was it went on longer and the PBI got bricked by both sides.

    One particular night it really did get out of hand and someone in thier wisdom decided to 'SEND FOR THE DOGS !!' which the Ops Room duly did.

    Now, obviously, who ever sent up the the cry did'nt expect the rag bag of Heinz 57's, doey eyed alsations and baby loving labradors that turned up but the flap had obviously go the better off him.
    'You lot, get in there and do something !!' he commanded the ugliest A&SH on the planet and pointed towards a heaving throng of celtic and rangers scarves, DPM and assorted weaponry.
    'Wharra fcuk dae ye expect me tae dae ?' came the reply, 'it's fookin search dugs a've goat, no fookin grizzly bears !'
    'Well I don't fcuking know !!!' came the reply, 'Do something !!'

    So he did. He got the dogs back in the Rovers and went back to camp.

    After a 'debrief' the next day which was liberally puncuated with lots of
    'Ah dinny fookin' care, suurr' , 'Dae whit the fook ye want surr' and 'Thur ma fookin dugs an thall dae whit Ah fooking tell tham, surr !' the ugliest Argyll on the planet arranged to have some guard dogs brought down from Long Kesh for the weekends bun fights.

    Which brings us right back.....

    ........ to the Tube.

    • Like Like x 1
  2. A_S with your permission, could I cut and paste your story onto a Bluey and sent it to my mate in Iraq. I think he needs a boost. 8)
  3. Guard dogs or 'Snappers' are the GSD's that joined the Army but were too aggresive to be trained as anything else. The best ones were kept for training the handlers at Melton and UK deployment. The psycopathic, croccodile on legs ,barely controlable death machine remainder went to Long Kesh to guard the Maze prison. These were'nt to be fcuked about with and I doubt there's many GD handlers going about that don't carry some kind of souviner from the day thier Snapper decided he was going to be boss for the day.

    Anyhow, I pitched up at the camp one day and saw there was something going at the footie pitch beside the kennels. The pitch was right on the edge of the camp and surrounded on all sides by six feet chain link and topped with the usual barbldee wire. There was as entrance by the kennels and in the far corner a thirty foot high block built sanger with a door at the bottom. The sanger was'nt used usually.

    When I got there I found the ugliest Argyll in the world standing watching the Tube who was lecturing the four snapper handlers who'd arrived from Kesh for the weekends fun.

    'Ut's ra same uvry weekend' he glottled when I asked, 'yon coont teechin the boyz hoo tae suck eggs. He'll be oaf in a meenit. Live baiting yon bear thair.' he indicated a particulary impressive killing machine who was balefully sizing up the Tube.

    'Livebaiting' was a technique that Pet Corp trainers used for GD training instead of the full padded suit and helmet. They put themselves in a position where they could run from the dog and get to safety, say, up a tree or the like, before the dog got too you. It stopped dogs getting 'suit focused' but you had to use it with care.

    'Aye, livebaiting, ra posin' coont' says the ugliest Argyll on the planet when I asked him, 'he'll start at yon half way line an' run like fook when the dugs released and hide in the bottom of yon sanger.T*at. Watch, hurr ee goes.'

    Sure enough all six foot four of gangly Tube saunters out to the half way line and starts jumping up and down and baiting the dog which by this time was gnashing,howling and doing summersaults on the end of the lead,
    'HALT,HALT,HALT !! OR I RELEASE MY DOG !!' click 'GERRUMMM!!!' and woosh !! the dog took off like a hairy guided missile and the Tube started legging it for the sanger. I glanced at the ugliest Argyll on the planet and saw a smile spread across his puss,
    'What the fcuk are you up too ?' I asked,
    saying nothing he took his hand out of his pocket, opened it and there was a key !
    'Don't fcuking tell me !?!'
    'Aye, key tae ra sanger door. Watch this !'

    And we did, with a horrible fascination, as the Tube reached the door of the sanger and started tugging on the handle just sort of stiffly at first then more and more franticly as he gazed, horrified, over his shoulder at the ever closing death on legs. Giving up on the door he started legging it along the fenceline, arms going like pistons and his knees damn near reaching ear level. The dog, which looked as though it was about to go supersonic, tried to change direction, tripped, and went rolling arrse over tit which gave the Tube time to get half way along the fence before the pursuit was on again, Everybody was transfixed, including the handler who belatedly took off after his dog and joined in the chase.

    The Tube gained the corner but instead of using the extra posts there to climb out of the way he careened round the bend and started tearing down the next straight. The dog, seeing this, took the direct route and headed to intercept him, there seemed to be a dreadful inevitablity about it, but, last gasp, the Tube saw him coming and did a most impressive full stop and volte face for such a gangly fcuker and bolted back for the corner as the dog smashed into the fence where he'd been mere seconds before, recovered, and shot after him again. Christ my heart was in my mouth as we watched the Tube gain the corner and start scrambling up the post, a look of complete terror on his face as he watched the land based hairy cruise missle go airborne and...
    'OOOOO, YA CNUT HE'S GOT HIM !!!!' as we all averted our gaze.
    'Naw he's naw,' said the ugliest Argyll on the planet, who was grinning from ear to ear by this time, 'he's only nailed his combat jaiket.'

    and sure enough there was the Tube, hanging on to the barbldee wire for grim death with 90lbs of snarling fur and fury hanging and jerking from the arrse of his jacket for the few seconds it took for the handler to get there and wrestle a now completely berserk dog off him.

    Fcuk me ! I was completely drained, but, the sniggers soon started kicking in,
    'Rat'll teach ra posin' coont !' grinned the ugliest Argyll in the world, who, just too finish us off completely walked towards the red, sweating, shredded Tube as he approached and telling him,
    'Haw, ****, yuu'll bay needin thus if yur livebaitin'
    handed him the key !!!

    • Like Like x 19
    • Funny Funny x 1

  4. Fire on dude, paste away :wink:
  5. i can vouch for how aggressive those f**king dogs are , one of my tours was spent at the maze as engineer roulement sqn , they're basically life support machines for a set of teeth , and they used to use us occasionally as "target practice" strictly on a volunteer basis of course , i think i've still got bruises on my arms , but an invite to the "dogs bar" always made up for any damage done

    good yarn A-S keep em coming.
  6. AS
    Made my day
    Connolly in DPM!!
    Felt like I was back in Scotstoun.
  7. At the time I was with the ADU every handler had to do guard dogs,Snappers, first as a sort of probation before you went onto the specialist role, Wagtails or Groundhogs. You did two weeks at Melton and then ended up at Kesh/Maze. We were supposed to do at least six months there with the Snappers but I, luckily, only did about three before I retrained. I say luckily because apart from the daily risk of being chewed to fack by some grumpy hound, the job intself was mind numbingly boring. We did 24 'on' patrolling the inside and outside of the big wall round the Maze, 24 'standby' in camp when ye did training, admin and the like and 24 'off' when you could sign out of camp after 0930 to go..ahem..shopping, and then go on the screaming p!sh in good old Lisburn.

    When I arrived at Kesh I was teamed up with a dug called Shadow, a veritable feckin horse of an animal . I'm no joking ! you could have saddled this facker and riden him round on patrol. Anyhow, after I'd taken him to a quiet place with his muzzle on and leathered the fack oot him with an aluminium feed bowl, he accepted I was the boss and I never had much of a problem with him. In fact I did quite well in trials with him too. But, after I'd been told I'd got my Spec Dog place Shadow went to a new guy and I did the last shift with one of the 'pool' dogs.

    The pool dogs had thier own 'ward' in the canine looney bin that was the Maze kennels and you could tell thier history by how many little red 'handler with a cross through' tallys they had painted on the kennel. The one with the most tallys was Khan which is arabic for 'Flesh rendering,bone crunching,
    blood supping, bringer of death'.The big, mad, hairy, people eating f*cker had only ever had one handler ,an even bigger, even madder, much hairier, people eating Royal Hampshire f*cker who'd been RTU'd for biting some handbags from HQNI in Kesh disco. Khan would lurk in the bed box at the back of the kennel and if he even suspected that someone was near he'd come charging out and literaly throw himself against the fence and go into such a frenzy of barking and aggression he's make himself puke. Stone mad. They even had his feed bowl on a chain so's they could feed and water him and if the Vet needed to see him they had to put knock out drugs in his grub ! Why they did'ny just shoot the poor f*cker I'll never know.

    'That'll be your dog 'til you leave Jock' says the Sec Cmdr, indicating Khan who was hanging from the ceiling and bending the wires of the cage apart with his teeth.
    'You ARE f*cking joking right !?!' I says as Khan slams against the fence and covers me in flecks of frothy spittle.
    'Yeah, just kidding, your's is down here, he he !'
    Sphincter relaxes.

    We left Khan puking his load up and then attacking it, just 'cos he could, and went to a kennel at the end where there was a dog called Rinty. No tallys on the kennel, no kamikaze "am gonna kill ye" antics, just a rather bored looking GSD sitting in the middle of the run watching the world go by and humming to himself.
    'Whats the story with him then Sarge ?'
    'Dunno Jock, just arrived from Melton the other day. Seems ok tho''
    'Right, he'll do.It's just for a couple of days anyway.'

    • Like Like x 4
  8. Sorry 'bout this. Got absolutley hammered last night. I think the keyborads still pirshed and the creative juices are'nt so much flowing as swilling about like ten pints of guiness in an obese joggers belly.

    Anyhoo, where was I, oh aye,
  9. ..oops :oops:

    Anyhow, I pitches up to collect Rinty for our stag and goes into the run
    'Hello son, who's a good boy ? Wanna go on stag..blah..blah...blah'
    The dog just looked at me blankly and yawned.
    'F*ck me.' I thought ' got a real live wire here.'
    So, I clipped him up and and with a 'Hurumph' from the dog we headed for the first stag which was round the outside of the nick.
    F*ck me I've never met a more boring dog in my life. I chatted to him, told him me best jokes,offered him a ball and showed him the tadpoles in the puddles.
    Tickled his ears, showed him some rabbits, promised him a bitch and tried to get him involved in a peeing competition.
    Nothing. Nada. Zip.
    I got back to the office after the stag,
    'Fcuk me, that Rinty's the most boring dog on the planet !' I said to the rest of the guys who were sitting round the table playing Risk.
    'Mmmm, s'that right.' they muttered. Bored.
    'Kin'ell.' I thought ' maybe it's me.

    • Like Like x 2
  10. So, a whiley later we goes out for the second stag and this time its internal. The army was responsible for the security outside the nick and the first 'catwalks' which were an area beween the inside of the wall and the first fence. Just bare earth areas about tweny feet wide and a mile long. Mind numbingly boring.

    I'd given up trying to engage the dog in conversation and I was blethering to meself as we were wandering along and, without really thinking about it, I checked the dog by giving his lead a tug to get him into heel.
    'FCUK ME !!!' he turned and nailed me quicker than a fecking rattlesnake !! He only missed me arm because of the loose sleeve of my waterproofs but he got a fecking big mouthful of that and started tugging backwards like a barsteward.
    Thinking 'Hmmm, this is an interesting little situation ?' or some such I tried to choke him off with the collar but the cnut just pulled harder, growling like a maniac. I could'nt get the baton oot me flak jacket so thinking 'This is getting fecking serious.' I whipped out the pistol and whacked the cnut right between the eyes. That make him let got !. He took three steps back, shook his heed and with the most blood curdling fecking snarl I've ever heard, he launched himself at me again.

    'AAARRRGGGGHHHH YAAA CCCUUUUNNNNTTTTT' I squawked as I stepped back, tripped over a rock and landed on my arrse.
    'AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE !!!!' I squealed as I dogded my head to the side and the jaws slammed shut beside my ear. The cnut had missed my heed but had got a grip on the hood of my waterprofs and was snorting and grunting in my ear.
    Panic ? Me ?
    Yer fecking right !!!! Squealing like a girlie about to lose her knickers I got the twa*t in a head lock and we started rolling about the ground is a scrap that a far as he was concerned was to the death. I'd lost my grip on the lead and dropped the pistol when I'd fallen and I was getting desperate. I got a hand free and started trying to get a grip on the cnut anywhere I could when, as I got a hand underneath him, I found them.....

    Doggy bollox !!!...

    'YESSS!!!' I thought and got a grip on his nut sack and did my best to seperate them from his body !!

    'OOOOOHHHHHHYYYYYYAAAAAAAFFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKKEERRR !!!' howled Rinty and leapt off me like a scalded cat, or a near debollocked dog I suppose, and started running in circles as he tried to get a look at his scrotum. I scrabbled about and retrieved the pistol and as I went to c0ck it I tripped over the rock, again and landed on my arrse, again. In what I can only descibe as a blind panic I crawled to the wall got my back against it, cocked the pistol and in a voice that sounded just far too shrill yelled,
    'COME ON YA FCUKER !!! MAKE MY DAY !!!' or some other Clint Eastwoodish bollox!
    But, by now the dog was sitting whinging and licking his nuts and, thinking that shooting the tw*t might spoil my Spec Dog chances, I pounced on the fecker, wrestled a muzzle onto him and tied the cnut to the fence.
    Once the hoo-er was secure I sunk to knees and whimpering like a pussy tried to get a fag oot.
    'Oi, Jock !!' came a shout. I was completely confused. I looked around.
    'Oi, Jock !! Up here ye daft cnut !!' I looked up. Two beaming Sapper faces were looking down from the watch tower.
    'That was brillant Jock, gonna do it again ??'

    Fcuking Engineers. I fcuking hate them !!
    • Like Like x 9
    • Funny Funny x 3
  11. Oh dear!, Oh Hysterics!. Oh No Iv'e just spilled my coffe over the fecking keyboard......
  12. bloody brilliant! btw, how do you reckon the royal hampshire who bit folk came to become a dog handler - did they mistake him for a gsd?
  13. I am fully expecting these stories to appea very soon in a Sunday paper as being revealed after a long and dangerous,undercover operation by their reporters to get this information out of the province... :lol:
  14. We're moving hoose over the next couple of days and the Belfast Bitch has threatened to brick me if I don't get off my ARRSE and do something useful.

    When I'm back on line in a couple of days I'll tell you about Stumpy's 7D's.
    His disgustingly dirty, demented and depraved disco dancing demo.

    Cheers peeps :wink:

    Ubique ya bass !!!
  15. H3

    H3 LE

    What a laugh, keep it coming do you think if Stumpy has offspring in the green machine still.....I take it Stumpy is in the Kennel in the sky , hope he went with a GRRRRRRRRRR FCUKING CIVVIES.