Kids stuff

Aren't kids little darlings?

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the cabrolet ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back, "Mummy, that woman's not wearing a seat belt!"

On the first day of school, a first year handed his teacher a note from his mum. The note read ... The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone ... "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the fitness centre and found himself in the women's changing rooms. When he was spotted, the room burst into wobbling bums, boobs 'n' shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine crime report at an infants school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mummy said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe lace?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police dog van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my German Shepherd police dog, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got in there?" he asked. "Yes it is," I replied. Puzzled the little lad looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What did he do?"

While working for Meals on Wheels, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his Dinner Jacket, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?'' "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school ... "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother, "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old, well thumbed pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages ... "Mum! Mum! Look what I just found!" he yelled. "What have you got dear?" asked his mum ... with astonishment in the little lads voice, he replied, "I think it's Adams underpants!"

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