Kids stitching you

Easter Sunday and the suns out:

We got out of the house early to beat the chavs to the Zoo, My sister and Mum and Dad decided it would be nice for them to come too.... gripping.

I've been to the zoo that many times the novelty of trying to irritate the animals has warn off and its as if the inmates recognise me an turn thier backs on me.

We ended up in the primate house and a crowd had gathered round the window where the enormous silver backs were eating each others eye bogeys and scrathing their claypits... My little one is a little over two, so everyone made way for her to get to the front window so she could see...

I stood at the back disinterested talking to my old man about what a cracking pair of shoes you could make out of a Kaman.... the crowd were quiet, taken in by the big chimp.. my mum, sister and other half went forward with the sprout..... Her eyes opened wide when she saw how big it was, she stood up right and just as all fell silent burst out with 'Mutha Fcuker' pointing directly at the Gorilla.

About twenty sets of eyes turned to look at her, and then at me...... Whilst I found it funnier than Bennet being run over by a half track it didn't look good on my parenting skills. I wouldn't mind but she's only ever heard me say it once, and that was in a fit of road rage.

Anyone else been stitched royally by thier nippers?

MDN, you're a terrible person. I hope you instantly disowned her. I'm far too young and single to have my own (honest :lol: ) but I still have memories of stiching my parents up with various words, sexual innuendo and getting them in trouble with the inlaws (memorable moment was my 6 year old sister saying to my grandmother "mummy said if you're wearing tights underneath your trousers than she's going to scweam" (my grandmother was indeed wearing tights underneath trousers), cue tension you could cut with a knife)

edited for mong spelling
Not as bad as yours MDN, but my daughter fell over and split her head open, tripping over a 6' toy snake. Obviously daughter had heard mother telling grannie all about it as the next time she saw my friends she said "I had to go to hospital - didn't I mummy? I cutted my head open - didn't I mummy? YES! Tripping over that bl00dy snake!"

Should have known what she would be like, her first word was Bugga!!
My neice, aged about four or five, was playing with her toys in the hall. Her dad was coming downstairs wearing nothing but a dressing gown and as she looked up at him could right up his said gown. she shouted out to him "Dad your fanny did fall out".

Have to say my mother was not impressed
At the fourth birthday party of one of my nephews recently, one of his presents was one of these radio-controlled bigfoot trucks about a foot long. He mastered the controls in something like 23 seconds and off he went.
When he nipped into the house for an orange-juice refuel, his dad unscrewed one of the front wheels and hid it. When his son saw his bigfoot truck leaning over, he picked it up and turned to all the grown-ups with a sad look on his face.
"What's wrong, Marty?" asked one of his aunties, who knew perfectly well what had happened.
Little Marty held up his truck. "Wheel gone. Can't drive. Fücked!" He said, as his dad's grid grew crimson.

mate of mine, whilst i was still a civvy in aberdeen, was out shopping in woolies with his little lad & doris.

old granny comes up & starts talking to the young lad telling him what an angelic little boy he was & how handsome he was. young lad without batting an eyelid looked up & said to the granny "FECK AFF YAE STOOPID AULD CNUT"

mate or his doris did not know where to look or what to say :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Back in '76 during Op Banner Tour my wife and daughter (age 4) stayed at her Mum and Dad's.

One day dad in law decided to take them for a day out in Blackpool. While driving through Blackpool Centre a dickhead on a motorbike pulled out causing him to break. "Silly Sod" dad in law says.
Daughter pipes up saying "My dad does'nt say that Grandad - he says silly C***T" Wife went deep deep red and was stuck for words- which made a refreshing change.

later during the same period, little one says to grandad " Grandad, my daddy says my mum is sexy! - and tells her to get her knickers off!"

Jesus - I should learn not to say these things!
Minime decided that dick was a good word to keep saying after hearing Daddy say it in road rage
A few years ago during sunday lunch at wife's parents:

Daughter, 4 - "Mummy, what's a w4nker"
Son, 6 - "That's what you call a bad referee"
Wife - "I hope that's not what daddy calls him"
Son "No, daddy calls him a cnut"
My son (5 then) was introduced to the RSM. Do you know who I am asks the RSM?

Son..Yes the Mental scary monster!

Me.. :oops:

It wouldnt have been so bad if he'd got the regimental bit right. Still the RSM saw the funny side, thank god. After all what's a bottle of port these days.
For years now (admitedly hearing it from someone else) ive being saying "Suck uz off" instead of no, as in;

"hallveg your on duty this weekend"
"Suck uz off" :x
ok now picture this,
me "spawn of hallveg off to bed its way past bed time"
spawn "Suck uz off"
mrs hallveg upon hearing said infraction ran from the kitchen and two footed me in the chest 8O (i was sitting down, she's not a ninja)

Little shites!
Nephew was 4 at the time Borther in Law was sprawled out on the floor having a nap. Nephew has a big plastic sword/axe type thing walks up smashes it over his dad's face and shoults die ya fcuker :lol:
I had taken my daughter (nearly 3) out for a drive to get her off to sleep and I was cut up by another motorist. Thinking that my daughter was asleep I spewed forth some expletives. Fast forward to that evening and my wife came up to me and asked if I had sworn lately. When I asked why I was told that my little angel had pointed to the tv and said bloody and fcuk. I laughed my head off only to hear my daughter repeat it and I laughed even more. Bad Move.
My friends are nicey nicey and don't swear, me I swear like a trooper and get blamed for every naughty thing I, I mean, she does. One I couldn't take credit for (and not just coz I was laffin too hard!) was when their three year old turned round and said, Daddy, you're a kn0b!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Best one I heard was one lad taught his Nephew that the magic word had changed from 'Please' to 'NOW BITCH'.
Imagine how much fun breakfast was the next morning.
A few years ago when my clan were at my grandparents in law, my little lad (Then 2) was running about playing. I was sitting in the lounge with me doris moaning about wasting the 2 hours we were spending there when my boy knocked my hand that i was holding me coffee in, spilling some on my lap. "Oh fcuk!" i whisper....naturally my little 'un carries on running around the place now shouting at the top of is lungs oh fcuk, oh fcuk! The look on my missus face when her granddad stuck his head round the door with a face of thunder was priceless. I just gave the doris a filthy look and shook my head (made her look sooooo guilty!). She still doesn't see the funny side!

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