Kids poxy nativity

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Dec 5, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    I've just had to endure an hour of my eight year old girls school nativity play.

    Whats the point? You know before you get there whats going to happen, some monotone look at me kid is going to narrate the same old shit from 2000 years ago and the teachers will put their own little spin on things by adding something a little quirky or down with the kids. The cunts!

    This year was xmas factor. 'Fucking gripping' I thought as I walked in looking at the remainder of the fawning parents. I honestly felt like saying 'put your cameras away its going to be wank'

    To pass the time away and making false but encouraging gestures to my nipper I entertained myself by imagining the goings on in Bethlehem but changing the venue and date to present day Middlesborough.

    Mary : Ower man Joseph, fookin come home I need a word
    Joseph: Alreet pet, whats oop
    Mary : Well sit doon love, av some at te tell ya. Yer see..... Am preggers, and I know you've only fingered us and wanked on me tits, but I promise you its Gods, not Malky from the Nags head.
    Joseph : yer a slag, come here while I black yer eye
    Mary : Nooo man, honest, three fookin kings bringing Gold, frankinsense and a nintendo are gonna come and you need to shift yer pidgeons from the shed.
    Joseph : Fuckin right, you can move out there until the little bastards born, and we'll rewrite history by nailing the cunt to a cross five seconds after its born.
    Mary: Diven'ts be a daft cunt, think of the benefits.
    Joseph: Fair one, we'll call it Martin, after me Dad....... You bucket cunted fuckin whore.
    Mary: Nah man, God says we have to call him Jesus
    Joseph: When God gets his arse to my scrap yard with some maintenance then the cnut gets a say, until then, its Martin.

    Has anyone else been tortured by shit plays or can anyone else imagine the Nativity being played in other times and places.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  2. It's all you fault for not training your kid to provide better entertainment...

    As it's the panto season you could have got him/her to shout out; "There's no such thing as Jesus!"

    Then the audience could start giving it, "Oh yes there is", "Oh no there isn't" while the teachers look on horrified...
     
  3. Peter Kay swears that when he was a kid, he played the innkeeper, and offered Joseph an en- suite, with full English breakfast.....
     
  4. Should have rented a professional video camera and stuck a "Television X" logo on the side of it. I find that always livens kiddies' nativity plays up a bit. Especially as I'm a pensioner and I don't have any kids.
     
    • Like Like x 1

  5. And those Freemans catalogues, with the underwear sections..... they aren't what they used to be........
     
  6. A friend's kid wanted to be Joseph and was livid when chosen as the Innkeeper. He was still fuming when the 'star' Joseph knocked on the door and said "We have nowhere to stay, can we stay here please?"

    He flung open the door and shouted "NO!! FUCK OFF JOSEPH!!"

    Went down well.
     
  7. The_Duke

    The_Duke LE Moderator

    I went to my 6 year old's last Friday. All of the usual stuff; out of tune singing, class nerd narrating and cries of "Mummy, I want a wee wee" from one of the nursery girls.

    One thing brightened it up though. The nursery class were all to dress as the animals surrounding the manger. One of them flatly refused to dress as anything other than a monkey, so Jesus was born surrounded by the usual sheep and cows....and a monkey.

    To make it better, she put the outfit on back to front, so the tail was at the front. As she walked on stage, her father said "Oh fuck - it looks like she is wearing a furry strap on". She then played with it for the duration of the play.

    The story of the Nativity with background entertainment of a wanking monkey - who could ask for more?
     
    • Like Like x 20
  8. I played Mary when I was little. Rehersal went well but on the night, the Baby Jesus (doll) had been placed a bit too far away from me so I grabbed it by the arm and yanked it up. My Mum was in hysterics she thought it was the funniest thing for something Mary Meek and Mild wouldn't do.
     
  9. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    I could bore you with my reaction to a footnote of a school newsletter that said "In the interests of child safety we ask that parents do not bring cameras to the Nativity Play" many years ago. The Methodist music teacher responsible is still a minor star on the Porn-Alike circuit.

    Modern day. Hampstead.


    (Mary) Darling, I'm pregnant.

    (Joseph) Oh, how wonderful. Darling I am so happy. The important chaps at Great George Street will stop their snickering and accusing me of being gay behind my back. With a baby son I may expect to stand for a seat at the next election. We can ask Nick and Miriam to be Godparents and invite David and Samantha to the Christening. Oh joy unbounded. May we have a small sherry in celebration my sweet? Who is the father by the way?

    (Mary) It is Gabriel.

    (Joseph) Gabriel the commissioning editor at Random House or Gabriel the hedge fund manager? Not Gabriel the gardener, surely darling?

    (Mary) No. You do not know him. He is an angel.

    (Joseph) I am sure he is darling and I am sure we shall all get along famously. We shall meet for lunch on a Sunday. Nothing formal, just an cozy family lunch at the Spaniards Inn where we can introduce our son to important people in politics, the media and the kind of sports Kate and Wills support. Oh, I am so excited I may have a second sherry.

    (Mary) No, you do not understand. Gabriel is an angel. Of the Lord God. With wings and a halo. He has come to earth and I am to give of a virgin birth and my son is to be The Lamb of God and wash away the Sins of the World and perform miracles, walk upon water, raise the dead, turn water into wine and cast devils out of swine then be crucified than rise from the dead and ascend to heaven to sit on the right hand of God for all eternity.

    (Joseph) I see. Tell me darling, have you shared this joyous news with anyone else?

    (Mary) No. I thought you should be the first to know darling. But my PA has arranged a press conference tomorrow morning with Sky News, News International, the Sun, Mail and HELLO! magazine. The world must know of the coming of the Savior.

    (Joseph) Yes, of course. Oh, I have just remembered. I must pop down to the garage for a moment. Wont be long. Why don't you pour us both another sherry darling? Then we might, er, take a walk upon the heath and, er, make plans for the future. Yes. Plans for the future. It is a lovely evening for it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Porridge Gun, role on 20 years, you will wish you were sat where you were this evening, I promise you.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Oh Bollox I've got three Girls all in different plays, I have to suffer it three times.
     
  12. Shit four times they're doing one with Sunday school too......fml as the yoofs say.
     
  13. Fuck the play, showing your caring side to the local MILF is an opportunity not to be passed up.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    You made that up, didn't you? 10/10
     
  15. Nativity is KS1 at my 7yr old daughter's CofE Primary. Takes 40 minutes and your are out door. Jobs a good un.

    Unfortunately she is now KS2. This Thursday sees a 2 hour spectacular of Tudor dancing and a series of playlets starring cocksure 7 & 8 year olds.

    It's a RSM's parade from the Boss. Fucking hell.....