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Kids poxy nativity

#1
I've just had to endure an hour of my eight year old girls school nativity play.

Whats the point? You know before you get there whats going to happen, some monotone look at me kid is going to narrate the same old shit from 2000 years ago and the teachers will put their own little spin on things by adding something a little quirky or down with the kids. The cunts!

This year was xmas factor. 'Fucking gripping' I thought as I walked in looking at the remainder of the fawning parents. I honestly felt like saying 'put your cameras away its going to be wank'

To pass the time away and making false but encouraging gestures to my nipper I entertained myself by imagining the goings on in Bethlehem but changing the venue and date to present day Middlesborough.

Mary : Ower man Joseph, fookin come home I need a word
Joseph: Alreet pet, whats oop
Mary : Well sit doon love, av some at te tell ya. Yer see..... Am preggers, and I know you've only fingered us and wanked on me tits, but I promise you its Gods, not Malky from the Nags head.
Joseph : yer a slag, come here while I black yer eye
Mary : Nooo man, honest, three fookin kings bringing Gold, frankinsense and a nintendo are gonna come and you need to shift yer pidgeons from the shed.
Joseph : Fuckin right, you can move out there until the little bastards born, and we'll rewrite history by nailing the cunt to a cross five seconds after its born.
Mary: Diven'ts be a daft cunt, think of the benefits.
Joseph: Fair one, we'll call it Martin, after me Dad....... You bucket cunted fuckin whore.
Mary: Nah man, God says we have to call him Jesus
Joseph: When God gets his arse to my scrap yard with some maintenance then the cnut gets a say, until then, its Martin.

Has anyone else been tortured by shit plays or can anyone else imagine the Nativity being played in other times and places.
 
#2
It's all you fault for not training your kid to provide better entertainment...

As it's the panto season you could have got him/her to shout out; "There's no such thing as Jesus!"

Then the audience could start giving it, "Oh yes there is", "Oh no there isn't" while the teachers look on horrified...
 
#4
Should have rented a professional video camera and stuck a "Television X" logo on the side of it. I find that always livens kiddies' nativity plays up a bit. Especially as I'm a pensioner and I don't have any kids.
 
#5
Should have rented a professional video camera and stuck a "Television X" logo on the side of it. I find that always livens kiddies' nativity plays up a bit. Especially as I'm a pensioner and I don't have any kids.

And those Freemans catalogues, with the underwear sections..... they aren't what they used to be........
 
#6
Peter Kay swears that when he was a kid, he played the innkeeper, and offered Joseph an en- suite, with full English breakfast.....
A friend's kid wanted to be Joseph and was livid when chosen as the Innkeeper. He was still fuming when the 'star' Joseph knocked on the door and said "We have nowhere to stay, can we stay here please?"

He flung open the door and shouted "NO!! FUCK OFF JOSEPH!!"

Went down well.
 

The_Duke

LE
Moderator
#7
I went to my 6 year old's last Friday. All of the usual stuff; out of tune singing, class nerd narrating and cries of "Mummy, I want a wee wee" from one of the nursery girls.

One thing brightened it up though. The nursery class were all to dress as the animals surrounding the manger. One of them flatly refused to dress as anything other than a monkey, so Jesus was born surrounded by the usual sheep and cows....and a monkey.

To make it better, she put the outfit on back to front, so the tail was at the front. As she walked on stage, her father said "Oh fuck - it looks like she is wearing a furry strap on". She then played with it for the duration of the play.

The story of the Nativity with background entertainment of a wanking monkey - who could ask for more?
 
#8
I played Mary when I was little. Rehersal went well but on the night, the Baby Jesus (doll) had been placed a bit too far away from me so I grabbed it by the arm and yanked it up. My Mum was in hysterics she thought it was the funniest thing for something Mary Meek and Mild wouldn't do.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#9
'put your cameras away its going to be wank'
I could bore you with my reaction to a footnote of a school newsletter that said "In the interests of child safety we ask that parents do not bring cameras to the Nativity Play" many years ago. The Methodist music teacher responsible is still a minor star on the Porn-Alike circuit.

Modern day. Hampstead.


(Mary) Darling, I'm pregnant.

(Joseph) Oh, how wonderful. Darling I am so happy. The important chaps at Great George Street will stop their snickering and accusing me of being gay behind my back. With a baby son I may expect to stand for a seat at the next election. We can ask Nick and Miriam to be Godparents and invite David and Samantha to the Christening. Oh joy unbounded. May we have a small sherry in celebration my sweet? Who is the father by the way?

(Mary) It is Gabriel.

(Joseph) Gabriel the commissioning editor at Random House or Gabriel the hedge fund manager? Not Gabriel the gardener, surely darling?

(Mary) No. You do not know him. He is an angel.

(Joseph) I am sure he is darling and I am sure we shall all get along famously. We shall meet for lunch on a Sunday. Nothing formal, just an cozy family lunch at the Spaniards Inn where we can introduce our son to important people in politics, the media and the kind of sports Kate and Wills support. Oh, I am so excited I may have a second sherry.

(Mary) No, you do not understand. Gabriel is an angel. Of the Lord God. With wings and a halo. He has come to earth and I am to give of a virgin birth and my son is to be The Lamb of God and wash away the Sins of the World and perform miracles, walk upon water, raise the dead, turn water into wine and cast devils out of swine then be crucified than rise from the dead and ascend to heaven to sit on the right hand of God for all eternity.

(Joseph) I see. Tell me darling, have you shared this joyous news with anyone else?

(Mary) No. I thought you should be the first to know darling. But my PA has arranged a press conference tomorrow morning with Sky News, News International, the Sun, Mail and HELLO! magazine. The world must know of the coming of the Savior.

(Joseph) Yes, of course. Oh, I have just remembered. I must pop down to the garage for a moment. Wont be long. Why don't you pour us both another sherry darling? Then we might, er, take a walk upon the heath and, er, make plans for the future. Yes. Plans for the future. It is a lovely evening for it.
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
I went to my 6 year old's last Friday. All of the usual stuff; out of tune singing, class nerd narrating and cries of "Mummy, I want a wee wee" from one of the nursery girls.

One thing brightened it up though. The nursery class were all to dress as the animals surrounding the manger. One of them flatly refused to dress as anything other than a monkey, so Jesus was born surrounded by the usual sheep and cows....and a monkey.

To make it better, she put the outfit on back to front, so the tail was at the front. As she walked on stage, her father said "Oh fuck - it looks like she is wearing a furry strap on". She then played with it for the duration of the play.

The story of the Nativity with background entertainment of a wanking monkey - who could ask for more?
You made that up, didn't you? 10/10
 
#15
Nativity is KS1 at my 7yr old daughter's CofE Primary. Takes 40 minutes and your are out door. Jobs a good un.

Unfortunately she is now KS2. This Thursday sees a 2 hour spectacular of Tudor dancing and a series of playlets starring cocksure 7 & 8 year olds.

It's a RSM's parade from the Boss. Fucking hell.....
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#16
Just pass the time by perving at the milfs. If you spot a good one, try having a quick wank while you're sitting there.

Nobody will notice, trust me...
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#17
I had the lead role in my school play when I was about that age. I played toby the tadpole in the play of the same name (probably because I was the only kid who could actually read and memorise the script).

At one stage I was meant to pretend to cry...I had big NHS glasses and my idea of crying was clenching my fists and rubbing them in my eyes, only because of the gleeks on my face it didn't quite work too well. Anyway it got to this stage of the show and although I couldn't see the audience because of the bright lights I could hear a familiar laugh that the owner was struggling to stifle. It was my own dad laughing at my crap pretend crying. Apparently other parents were shooting him evils and my mum was jabbing him in the ribs to shut up.

After the play he told me point blank it was shit and that he wouldn't be attending another one as "he'd already seen me in one the rest would be the same."

He also dodged every parents evening, prize giving, speech day and exam meeting at my secondary school with the excuse "You go to the posh twats Grammar school (I chose where to go myself), I went to the High school, we're enemies, I'll never set foot in your snobby shitty school full of maroon poofs!"

Ah well, can't say he wasn't honest!

I think what both my parents found most annoying about school plays though, was that you not only had to endure the play of the class your kid was in, but every other class too, so for example the p4-p7 concert night meant sitting though 4 separate plays at least... 8 if both classes in each yeargroup wanted to do their own.

I suppose that's where nativity plays are good, in out, boring familiar story but only lasts an hour. One famous night at my older brother's plays, before my dad stopped going, they went in at 6.30pm and did not leave the school til midnight! Poxy nativity? Think yourself lucky you don't have to endure marathons!
 
#19
Just pass the time by perving at the milfs. If you spot a good one, try having a quick wank while you're sitting there.

Nobody will notice, trust me...
CQMS said:
Fuck the play, showing your caring side to the local MILF is an opportunity not to be passed up.
Bang on. Never miss the opportunity to mingle with dewy-eyed MILF's.

Lots of "Little Tarquin was wonderful, such talent! You must be proud?" is about as subliminal as saying "I've a throbbing member that's already leaking love-juice at the very thought of your leather boots rubbing my ears, as I insert it into your spittle moistened swollen quim!"



Personally, I'm thinking of feigning death to avoid my little Cavette's play. The new batch of MILF isn't up to the standard that's been moving on the last few years.
 
#20
My GrandKids go to the same Primary School that their parents went to, they are doing the same Christmas plays, they have about 4 different plays involving the whole school, only one of which featured the Nativity.

One involves a journey around the world for the narrator and a couple of other kids. Each class plays a different country, last time I went my youngest son played a cossack dancer.

All of the plays involve sitting on very small seats for a couple of hours, luckily they are very popular, the hall is very small and kids only get two tickets each, Granddad is well down the pecking order for getting a ticket.
 

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