Kids - F-ucking Smart-arsed bas-tards.

My two lads came up with a new ploy last week, which allows them to swear without punishment.

I uttered my last 'ooh, ya fcuker' in front of them two years ago, when tw-atting my big toe against a skirting board. My eldest picked it up, and was saying f-uck for a couple of months. Fair play to him, he always said it in context, so my chastisements were always half-hearted.

He was doing a jigsaw with his gran (church-going-never-swore-in-her-life-good-catholic-irish-lady) He was stuck on a piece and casually said, under his breath "Fcuking hell, I can't find it." She didn't look at him at all. I just got a withering stare. I feigned indignity and shrugged my shoulders, saying, "I'm going to have to have a word at that fcuking nursery."

I got him out of the habit and made sure that all my industrial stuff was saved for the drive into work, and especially for that c-unt that goes straight on at the lights using the right turn only lane.

I was putting them to bed last week. After telling them a couple of stories about their Great-Grandad an entrenching tool and a trench full of Germans, they were just about ready to go to sleep.

The eldest then said to me,

"Dad, is fcuk still swearing."

"Yes, so don't say it. Whose been using that word."

"Louis at school."

"If he says it to you again, tell him off."

"Should I tell a teacher."

"No, son. No one likes a grass. You go squealing to the man and you'll be the most mateless 6 year old in Manchester"

"Right, is bas-tard swearing."


"And sh-it"


Then the little bu-gger in the bottom bunk joins in with,

"What about ballbag?"

Where the fcuk did he get that one from? They were loving it. We're swearing and that old arrsewipe can't do anything about it. Always one to reward enterprise, I let them crack on until they'd run out of expletives before putting my hand up and shouting STOP in my best range voice.

Hats off, though. I learnt a couple of new ones myself.

Anyone elses kids got one over on them?

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