Kid Ink

#1
I found out the other day, that my six year old lad had been getting a bit of jip off a classmate. Nothing spectacular, or anything that could be construed as bullying. It seems that every time my boy picked up a toy, this other lad coincidentally wanted to play with it at that moment. After a bit of a tug of war each time, my lad backed down and the kid walked away with the toy.

My wife explained this to me upon my return from work on Monday. She was concerned and thought that having a word with his teacher may nip the errant behaviour in the bud. I listened carefully, paying close attention to her suggested solution and after thoughtful cogitation, I went upstairs to speak to my heir.

“Hiya, dad,” he said.

“Hello, son. Get your coat on. We’re going somewhere special.”

With that, I whisked him off to the local tattoo parlour, to have his ‘bullying removal kit’ installed.

Six hours later and after a lot of tears, we emerged into a world ripe for conquering. I stood behind him as he admired his new ink in the mirror, and said,

“You, son, are now unfcukingbullyable.”

He looked the business. The inkman did a great job on him and plastered him with every tattoo-cliché in the book, including

Hinges on the inner elbows
Cobwebs on the outer elbows
Swallows (left and right rear palm)
Borstal teardrop on left cheek
Made in Manchester rubber stamp just above rear neckline.
Fruit Shoot above left nip – Kia Ora above right nip.

As a tip of the hat in his old man’s direction he went for the squaddie classic of ‘The sweetest girl I ever kissed was another man’s wife – MUM’ on a heart background on his right upper arm, God bless ‘im.

As you’ll know from previous threads, my wife can be both highly-strung and unreasonable, so her reaction was not a complete surprise.

“Why have you had a 6 year old boy tattooed beyond disfigurement?”

“Because tattoos are the biz. Tell me he doesn’t look harder than he did this morning.”

“That may be the case, but please explain to me, O great one, that if they’re such a good fcuking idea, why haven’t you got any?”

“Because I didn’t have a dad who loved me enough to risk exposing me to Hepatitis.”

After persuading her not to call the police, we slept on it, and I took the lad to school the next morning with his new capped sleeve t-shirt on.

When he got home, I asked him how his day had been.

“Well dad, I did like you said. When Jimmy O’Neill tried to take my toy off me, I pointed to the borstal teardrop and said ‘You don’t wanna fcukin’ know how I got this.’”

“Nice one, Son. Did he tell the teacher.”

“No, Dad, and he didn’t come near me for the rest of the day. Come to think of it, Dad, nobody else did either. My mates and my teacher appear to be giving me an unusually wide berth.”

“That’s my boy. You wear that social exclusion with pride. Well get some of those big fcuking polo things stuck in your ears next week.”

Have any other ARRSE members responded to a minor domestic crisis in an entirely disproportionate manner?
 
#3
Why? Are you a tattoo artist, Dozy?
 
#5
Before playgroup one morning, Mrs Sticky left strict instructions with my eldest riflemidget not to draw on the carpet, curtains, walls, cat etc. etc.
She returned ten minutes later whereupon he lifted up his t-shirt and showed her a big smiley face drawn on his tummy along with several other doodles on his arms. No time to clean him up so Mrs S spends the rest of the morning expecting a call from social services... :D
 
#6
stickybomb said:
...Mrs S spends the rest of the morning expecting a call from social services... :D
In my school-age years I was more commonly known as ClumsyBint due to the number of bruises & grazes covering my arms & legs, but it wasn't till I reached my teens that I began making regular trips to A&E with bone breakages & such like. Had I been a child now there's little doubt that Mum & Dad would have been interviewed without coffee... :roll:
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#7
DozyBint said:
stickybomb said:
Why? Are you a tattoo artist, Dozy?
No, but if you're allowed to treat 'em like a human Etch-a-Sketch then they'd provide hours of amusement!
Do you pick them up and shake them before each new picture ?

Maybe that's what Louise Sullivan was doing......
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#10
I haven't yet had the junior chickenpunks tattooed (it's a thought though :D !) but the two older ones have both been going to the Budokwai (which is a top martial arts school run by Ray Stevens, the ex-Olympic Jap Slapper) since they were three and are both now very proficient at it. So I was a bit surprised about two years ago when the older one came home from school a bit weepy having been duffed up and relieved of some Pokemon cards by a couple of older boys. After a couple of hours in stress positions, and having withheld his fish-fingers and baked beans, he admitted that he hadn't fought back because his karate instructor had told them that they were never to use martial arts outside the dojo. I managed to hold my back my initial reaction of: 'Boll0cks to that, they're just saying it to cover their arses' and instead gave him a little talk about self-defence and reasonable force etc etc.

Next day at lunchtime, I got a phone call from his headmistress: 'Could I come to the school and collect chickenpunk junior because he had been fighting in the playground and she wanted him to cool off for the rest of the day and think about what he'd done'. So in I go, and arriving at the Head's office, I find chickenpunk junior sitting inside under close arrest from the deputy head, whilst the head is in her 'outer office' with a weeping small boy who is clutching a wad of bog paper to his bloodied snout, and has what looks suspiciously like a shoeprint on the groin area of his flannel trousers. A second boy has already been taken to the local A & E by his mother because he had swallowed one of the two teeth that chickenpunk junior had punched out. The Head did admit that she thought it likely that some bullying had been taking place but asked me to strongly emphasise to junior that beating seven kinds of sh1te out of people was no way to solve a problem, and that he should have gone to see his teacher. Of course, I was deeply upset by all of this; so upset, in fact, that I bought him an ice cream on the way home. :D
 
#12
chickenpunk said:
Of course, I was deeply upset by all of this; so upset, in fact, that I bought him an ice cream on the way home. :D
Good movement, well executed ! :D
 
#13
Chickenpunk - I wish my parents had taken this line when I was bullied at primary school - you have my heartiest congratulations
 
#14
Excellent parenting skills, and well done young master Chickenpunk. There is nothing more important in life than being able to hold your head high.
 
#15
Chickenpunk - Top shelf parenting skills. Well done to your boy for:

1. Not rising and exerting control
2. Executing controlled use of violence agasinst the richly deserving.

Perhaps the way to bring our school system back in line would be to seed classes with CPs "handy" offpsring who at the hint of disorder would slap offenders senseless before giving the Teacher a "it's OK they won't be doing that again Miss".

If we go one step further we can tat them up so no-one can mistake their purpose.
 
#16
Poppy said:
Chickenpunk - I wish my parents had taken this line when I was bullied at primary school - you have my heartiest congratulations
Poppy, if you can track them down via "Friends Reunited" or some-such, we can send CP minor, round for a "frank exchange of views" :D
 
#17
Sleeper_service said:
Poppy said:
Chickenpunk - I wish my parents had taken this line when I was bullied at primary school - you have my heartiest congratulations
Poppy, if you can track them down via "Friends Reunited" or some-such, we can send CP minor, round for a "frank exchange of views" :D
I am touched by your kindness - will bear it in mind if I cannot get hold of firearm :lol:
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#18
Hold on folks, before we go too far off thread let's not forget that Chickenpunk is a fat knacker who only sent his Punkettes off to the Ninja-Nocandoripyerlipsoff dojo so he could get back at the spotty gwa doris called Mabel who stole his Billy Bunter season ticket to the pie shop each term. Just look at what he gave the lad for seeing off the bullies - a bloody ice-cream ! Was this a punishment for not seeking out Mabel Minor or was he just too cheap to splash out on a sixpack for his hired assassin ?

Back onto the Kid Ink, I think it's a damn good idea but it should be done selectively.

The chav kids can all have special identifying marks across their noses & cheeks, it'll make it much easier to find out which particular thieving git it was that keyed your car or mugged the octegenarian two doors up.

You could get your capbadge tattooed in the correct position on your own little darling's forehead - army careers offices would then have their workload drastically reduced as the little sod wouldn't have a choice of Regt/Corps.

If this could be enshrined in law then we'd be rid of the pub walt too !
 
#19
Cutaway said:
You could get your capbadge tattooed in the correct position on your own little darling's forehead - army careers offices would then have their workload drastically reduced as the little sod wouldn't have a choice of Regt/Corps.

If this could be enshrined in law then we'd be rid of the pub walt too !
No. Wouldn't work. The vast majority of homo waltiens justify there life stories by droning on about having ended up with a different capbadge to the one they started with anyway - so we'd just be handing them ammunition.

Edited for typos
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#20
Cutaway said:
Hold on folks, before we go too far off thread let's not forget that Chickenpunk is a fat knacker who only sent his Punkettes off to the Ninja-Nocandoripyerlipsoff dojo so he could get back at the spotty gwa doris called Mabel who stole his Billy Bunter season ticket to the pie shop each term. Just look at what he gave the lad for seeing off the bullies - a bloody ice-cream ! Was this a punishment for not seeking out Mabel Minor or was he just too cheap to splash out on a sixpack for his hired assassin ?
Cuts you b@stard! If I had the strength to lever my disgustingly obese body out of my reinforced chair, I'd hunt you down and suffocate you in the folds of my hugely distended guts. As it is, I will now have to put the chickenpunk ninja brotherhood on your case...

The reality is that the chickenpunk boys have been brought up in an environment slightly harsher than Grasshopper's childhood in the original 'Kung Fu' series. At the ages of ten and eight, neither has ever had a fizzy drink and neither has ever worn long trousers to school (even though it's perfectly within the rules); neither have they ever played with or owned an X-Box, Playstation or other appalling videogame machine. Even worse, a couple of years ago, the glamourous Mrs chickenpunk bought a set of hair clippers so we could cut their hair in a regulation short back and sides, though I was forced to veto this practise after seeing her first efforts. The older mini chickenpunk did his first full 'Fan Dance' at the age of eight, in a very respectable time; and both boys are liable to be shoved out of bed and made to sleep on the floor at all hours of the night by a large, farting, English Bull Terrier when it wants a pillow. Frankly, an ice cream seemed little reward for chickenpunk junior as he became 'The Daddy' at his primary school whilst still only in Year 4.
 

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