• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

Keyboard cleaning

#1
This afternoon, had me flicking through pics and leaning back in the office recliner picturing all manner of filth.... Cut cut a long story short it wasn't long before I was at full thrust, cupping my nads in the left hand and pumping the stump with the other....

As I approached vinegars it dawned on me that I had no where to fire it and was more aware that I hadn't given it a rub for a couple of days so the c0ck snot would come out in a reasonable rainbow of relsih.

Legs bent, eyes slit like a jap I let go..... as predicted it want a fair bit and only a bit fell on the back of my hand........ the rest, a good couple of teaspoons worth splattered my fcuking keyboard.....

Have you ever tried to clean cum off a keyboard? it goes between the keys and you can't get it all......

That was a couple of hours ago, with Jiffy cloths, tissue, everything Ive tried to mop up the (now starting to smell) more liquidy, less gloopy fat.

I'm sure there are some serial internet w@nkers out there who have this problem regularly, please help and dispell and rumours that if one of the office pigs drains the keyboard into her mot, in an effort to gather maintenance payments and a superior breed of child from my genes she can't get pregnant on stale spuzz
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#4
Well, aherm, as long as it is not a battery powered keyboard, the simplest thing to do is unplug the keyboard and dunk it in a sinkful of soapy water before giving it a hard scrubbing.

After this, and providing the jizz has succesfully been washed orf, you place it in a warm place (not too warm, it is plastic after all) to dry off.

Ensure the keyboard is completely dry before plugging back in.

If it's a battery powered one, take out the fecking batteries too!
 
#5
It is a battery one, common sense would have told me to move it, nut I was nuts deep in Claudie Ferrari so impact area was last thing on my mind.

W@nkings great, but I'm not thick enough to bath my keyboard :D
 
#6
Biped said:
After this, and providing the * has succesfully been washed orf, you place it in a warm place (not too warm, it is plastic after all) to dry off.
Title of MDN's next thread: "How do I get my keyboard out of my arse?" :D
 
#7
_Artemis_ said:
Biped said:
After this, and providing the * has succesfully been washed orf, you place it in a warm place (not too warm, it is plastic after all) to dry off.
Title of MDN's next thread: "How do I get my keyboard out of my arse?" :D
I thought you of all people would be an expert at spunk removal. If only for guzzling purposes.
 
#8
StabTiffy2B said:
_Artemis_ said:
Biped said:
After this, and providing the * has succesfully been washed orf, you place it in a warm place (not too warm, it is plastic after all) to dry off.
Title of MDN's next thread: "How do I get my keyboard out of my arse?" :D
I thought you of all people would be an expert at spunk removal. If only for guzzling purposes.
Well, I was going to pm MDN when the thread was posted to beg him to let me hoover it off his keyboard, but then I thought I'd let you and the boy have a go: in your own time, jugears.
 
#11
minister_doh_nut said:
As I approached vinegars it dawned on me that I had no where to fire it and was more aware that I hadn't given it a rub for a couple of days so the c0ck snot would come out in a reasonable rainbow of relsih.
You mean you've finished those trick or treaters already?
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#13
Why not ask those who habitually spit coffee all over their keyboards at some minor inanity? They must be experts by now.
Personally, if I were to ejaculate when flying solo, I would ensure I had a suitable receptacle in which to collect the residue. A choirboy is always handy for that.
 
#15
You said you were in an office, right? Here's what you do: Pour some coffee after your stale manfat and hand the dripping plank over to the cleaning lady.

Tell her to clean the mess up. The smell of the coffee will overpower the stench of old cum and the hot stuff will also effectively kill off your unborn offspring, negating any risk of unwillingly impregnating the Polish cleaning staff.

But will you please tell me where you got the mad idea to have a w@nk in an office?

Edited because I was being a dirty git and foulmouthing on the forum.... :oops:
 
#17
CLEAN IT - what the fcuk are you guys thinking. Unplug it and switch it with the hot totty that sits three desks away and snigger repeatedly every time she uses the keyboard.

No man should EVER be caught cleaning anything (except for the 4skin cheese).
 

Latest Threads