Kamikaze Risk Assessments

Continuing on from the conversation I had with MDN about how jihadists would cope with admin and paperwork, it got me thinking.

I’m just in the process of sorting out some install work on a radio tower in Scotland. Part of the job, is producing a risk assessment to try and cover all the bad things that might happen, generating farcical sentences and gratuitous box filling.

Death or serious injury from falls above 2 metres.

Don’t fall off you fcuking knackers.

You get the gist. The bonkers world of risk assessments got me thinking, ‘What would it be like if everyone had to fill ‘em out, going back through history?’

Picture the scene

Four young pilots consume their last drink of sake before donning their headbands and senninbari and reciting their death poem. They embrace for the last time, their camaraderie at its most intense. They walk across the pan slowly and quietly, ruminating on the sacrifice they are about to make and the glory it will bestow on their families for generations to come.

Yukio Araki climbs into his Mitsubishi Ki-67 and prepares for take off. Something distracts him. A small voice from the terminal building, getting louder. A speccy c-unt is legging it towards his aircraft waving a piece of paper. But what is he saying? What can be so important, that he can distract Araki from this most holy of missions?

“Corporal Araki, turn that engine off, please”

“I cannot. For my Shinto beliefs dictate that we of the divine wind are now beyond the reach of mortal things.”

“Boll-ocks mate. You haven’t filled out your fcuking risk assessment.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All these planes are on my fcuking flick. You crash this bas-tard without filling this in and I’ll be getting billed. And it’s a starred item”

“But I’m about to die for my country.”

“Yeah, yeah, well you won’t mind filling it out then, will you? Here’s a pen, get scribbling”

Araki checks the document, confused now, the clarity of his task being obscured by the impenetrable nature of the questions being asked. He pauses,

“It says here, in three boxes, Risk, Precaution and Subsequent Risk. How can I fill it out? I’m going to intentionally crash this plane, therefore the risk is of death because of my plane crashing, hopefully into the hull of an American ship. I am taking no precautions other than a fair wodge of Andrex down my undies so I can arrive in the afterlife without stinking of sh-it too much. The Subsequent Risk remains the same, as the precautions haven’t removed any of the original risk”

“Nice one, just stick that down and we’re covered, mate.”

Akari begins to write, his tears obscuring his view, as he endures this insult stoically. He asks,

“What is the point of this. I will be dead in an hour. Why the obsession with useless paperwork”

“It’s alright for you. You’ll be brown bread, but we’ll have Health and Safety all over us. If the ship doesn’t’ sink, they’ll close the site down. No one will be allowed to drown until they’ve investigated”

Akari begins to draw his canopy, sighing heavily.

“Don’t be getting fcuking chopsy, Akari. I’m only doing me job. Just like you.”

“LIKE ME? Don’t be comparing yourself to me, you four eyed fcuking blanket stacker. My memory will resound through time. Generations of my family will salute me and cherish my memory. What about you? Will there be a shrine for you? Where your fcuking speccy great grandkids will stand and say. RQMS Yokohiri was a great man. No one fcuked the lads about quite like him. Is that your bequeathal, eh? eh? you little fcuking sh-it. Get out of me way, or I’ll run you over, you tw-at”

Yokohiri looks chastened. He steps back, head bowed and allows Akari to run through his start up routine. The mood settles and Akari’s props get to full speed. Ground crew release the chocks and the plane moves off, the whole station watching solemnly. The divine wind move as one and sprint down the runway, flying into immortality.

The vision is only spoiled, by Yokohiri, swastika running down the pan, screaming.


I'd be interested to hear of any other examples from history, where contemporary H and S requirements might have changed its course.
The Crusades...not quite H and S but close.

On the city gates of Jerusalem teutonic knights are holding back the gate and repelling Saladins armies bravely barring the gates whilst battering rams are approaching the knights draw swords and prepare for battle...

meanwhile the resident Catholic Priest comes along and asks; "what going on here then?"

to which a knight responds; "it's the Muslims father, you'd best get back"

the Priest then enquires "have you all made confession!???"

a silence filled the air and blank faces looked anywhere but at the Priest...

"none of you!!??" the Priest demanded.

"I have" one of the knights added

"when??" no response was given.

"this simply will not do! This is a holy Crusade and there a ways of doing things! The proper CHRISTIAN way! come along now form an orderly line I shall see you one at a time"

Meanwhile the muslims a charging at the gates which are now unmanned and are proceeding to ram them.
"father don't you think we should be over there?"

"do you want to go to HELL???do you?"

"no father"

"then confess your sins"

"well there were those blokes in the dresses...killed them, and that bloke we thought was a witch..."

meanwhile the Muslims are still breaking through the gates whilst a few hundred knights are confessing in line with of course only one priest (due to the unions rule on working on a weekend).

Obvious results ensued but at least they all went to Heaven after they were impaled on spikes or burned alive...religion eh?
Dehli December 17 1398 the great conquerer Tamerlane has entered the city and ordered its 100000 inhabitants to be put to the sword 10,000 are beheaded in the first hour.

H&S officer for the timurid empire approaches the great emir

Sire you must stop your punishment of the indfidels this minute or great misfortune will descend upon us

Tamerlane. What will god strike us down for mudering the innocent?

no great emir your warriors are in danger of repetitive strain injury from all the beheading they are doing if they sue we could be bankrupted

Are you a fool they are the finest men of the timurid empire only death will stop such men not some tarty rsi

Also your men throwing women and children from the walls when i saw thier lifting technique i was horrified they bend at the waist not taking the weight at the knees our brave men could be cripples within months the pension cost's alone are unthinkable.

Ha we have unlimited funds from our conquest's our carts are piled high with plunder from the enemy

Ah well sire there have been compliants that forcing our horse to pull carts laden with more than 200 kilograms of riches is cruel and an infringment of thier rights

But they are horses why should they have rights only men deserve such things surely

Speaking of rights the camp followers have been complaining about the screams of the infidels we are burning alive it is keeping them awake at night they say they have a human right to have a good nights sleep so have requested the burning is stopped from 10pm till 9am

GODS what next men of my personal guard wanting to dress as women and demanding to be treated as one

Ahem well sire there is this guardsman who now calls himself jan
Kamikaze pilots did wear helmets though.......
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