Continuing on from the conversation I had with MDN about how jihadists would cope with admin and paperwork, it got me thinking. Iâm just in the process of sorting out some install work on a radio tower in Scotland. Part of the job, is producing a risk assessment to try and cover all the bad things that might happen, generating farcical sentences and gratuitous box filling. Risk Death or serious injury from falls above 2 metres. Precaution Donât fall off you fcuking knackers. You get the gist. The bonkers world of risk assessments got me thinking, âWhat would it be like if everyone had to fill âem out, going back through history?â Picture the scene Four young pilots consume their last drink of sake before donning their headbands and senninbari and reciting their death poem. They embrace for the last time, their camaraderie at its most intense. They walk across the pan slowly and quietly, ruminating on the sacrifice they are about to make and the glory it will bestow on their families for generations to come. Yukio Araki climbs into his Mitsubishi Ki-67 and prepares for take off. Something distracts him. A small voice from the terminal building, getting louder. A speccy c-unt is legging it towards his aircraft waving a piece of paper. But what is he saying? What can be so important, that he can distract Araki from this most holy of missions? âCorporal Araki, turn that engine off, pleaseâ âI cannot. For my Shinto beliefs dictate that we of the divine wind are now beyond the reach of mortal things.â âBoll-ocks mate. You havenât filled out your fcuking risk assessment.â âWhat are you talking about?â âAll these planes are on my fcuking flick. You crash this bas-tard without filling this in and Iâll be getting billed. And itâs a starred itemâ âBut Iâm about to die for my country.â âYeah, yeah, well you wonât mind filling it out then, will you? Hereâs a pen, get scribblingâ Araki checks the document, confused now, the clarity of his task being obscured by the impenetrable nature of the questions being asked. He pauses, âIt says here, in three boxes, Risk, Precaution and Subsequent Risk. How can I fill it out? Iâm going to intentionally crash this plane, therefore the risk is of death because of my plane crashing, hopefully into the hull of an American ship. I am taking no precautions other than a fair wodge of Andrex down my undies so I can arrive in the afterlife without stinking of sh-it too much. The Subsequent Risk remains the same, as the precautions havenât removed any of the original riskâ âNice one, just stick that down and weâre covered, mate.â Akari begins to write, his tears obscuring his view, as he endures this insult stoically. He asks, âWhat is the point of this. I will be dead in an hour. Why the obsession with useless paperworkâ âItâs alright for you. Youâll be brown bread, but weâll have Health and Safety all over us. If the ship doesnâtâ sink, theyâll close the site down. No one will be allowed to drown until theyâve investigatedâ Akari begins to draw his canopy, sighing heavily. âDonât be getting fcuking chopsy, Akari. Iâm only doing me job. Just like you.â âLIKE ME? Donât be comparing yourself to me, you four eyed fcuking blanket stacker. My memory will resound through time. Generations of my family will salute me and cherish my memory. What about you? Will there be a shrine for you? Where your fcuking speccy great grandkids will stand and say. RQMS Yokohiri was a great man. No one fcuked the lads about quite like him. Is that your bequeathal, eh? eh? you little fcuking sh-it. Get out of me way, or Iâll run you over, you tw-atâ Yokohiri looks chastened. He steps back, head bowed and allows Akari to run through his start up routine. The mood settles and Akariâs props get to full speed. Ground crew release the chocks and the plane moves off, the whole station watching solemnly. The divine wind move as one and sprint down the runway, flying into immortality. The vision is only spoiled, by Yokohiri, swastika running down the pan, screaming. âYOU NEVER FCUKING SIGNED IT, YOU JACK BAS_TARD!!!! I'd be interested to hear of any other examples from history, where contemporary H and S requirements might have changed its course.