At least I left a crappy joke when I tried to start this thread. Obviously the time wasn't right, maybe it might take off.
Three RMPs go into a bar: A lance-corporal, a sergeant and a lieutenant. They get a couple of bottles in and the lance's turns out to have a genie in it. The Genie turns to them and says:

'A thousand thanks for releasing me, Masters! I will grant you one wish each in return.'

The lance thinks about it for a minute and says: 'I want to be in the Bahamas with a million quid.'

POOF! He's there

Sergeant spends no time thinking about it: 'I want to be in Barbados with a billion quid!'

POOF! He's there

The Genie turns around to the miserable looking Lt who says:

'I want those two back at work on Monday.'
Two social workers walked down a street and saw a stab victim lying in the gutter bleeding. The first social worker said "the person that did this really needs our help"
What is the difference between a vuvuzela and a woman?

The one is an irritating, monotonous, continuous droning in your ear the whole fcuking time.
The other is a plastic trumpet used by S African football fans.
I saw this homeless bloke in a doorway, surrounded by all his belongings in ten carrier bags.........

He asked me for a quid, but you know it'll only go on one thing.

A trolley.
In the wake of Britains fattest woman shuffling off to the the big KFC in the sky, I submit this:

A woman goes into the doctors and asks,

'Doctor, whats the quickest and easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?'

The doctor looks her up and down, scratches his chin and nods in a display of understanding and concern. He then looks up at the woman and says,

'Ok, I think the best thing for you at the moment is to simply shake you head from side to side'

'Oh really?' says the woman. 'That sounds easy, how often should I do that doctor?'

'Every time you're offered food you fat cunt' says the doctor.

A taxi? For me? Why thankyou.
There was a general strike in Greece last week.

The Police were nowhere to be seen, buses, planes and trains ran irregularly and there were hardly any taxis.

No banks or post offices and very few shops were open, and the staff in those that did open were unhelpful and surly.

A local news crew were interviewing the locals on their views and one replied, when asked his opinion;

"There's a strike on?"
The family of 'Hurrricane' Higgins have complained about him being buried in the same plot as an african, a pakistani and a chinaman.
A spokesman said "We think it's totally unacceptable, he's gonna be completely snookered behind the yellow, brown and black...."
Mohammad spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.
A man touring the wild west asks a native indian what his wife's name is. "Five horses" he replies.
"What an unusual name, what does it mean ?" says the man.
The indian replies "Fuckin Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag !""

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