JOKES -TIME TO CHEER UP ME THINKS

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by STUNNED_SLUG, Apr 19, 2003.

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  1. [​IMG]

    This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

    'Where's the pissing, mother-******* manager, you cock-sucking arse-wipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

    The waiter is taken-aback and replies,'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

    The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

    '**** off' replies the bloke 'and where's the ******* piano?

    'Pardon?' says the manager.

    '******* deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your ******* piano.

    'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?

    'Of course I ******* can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

    'That's superb. What's it called?

    'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

    The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

    'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?

    'I Wanted a **** over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

    The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

    As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke

    The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

    This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

    She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little 'G string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, nibbling suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down
    her chin.

    The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate.

    He's tugging awayfuriously when he hears the manager's voice.

    'Where's that bastard pianist?

    He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

    The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?

    The bloke replies 'Know it? I ******* wrote it.
     
  2. An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.
    While suffering the agonies of impending death,
    he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
    chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
    the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
    the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
    both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned
    against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
    agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
    spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
    hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
    devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
    a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
    table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
    parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,
    seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
    on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
    smacked with a spatula by his wife......

    "Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
     
  3. who put that picture there?
     
  4. It would have been Eagle...
     
  5. I`m Honoured

    how about an equestrian theme


    A guy calls his buddy a horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.  

    His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

    That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".  

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.  

    "A female horth."

    So he shows him a prized filly.  

    "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?  

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.  

    "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

    So he picks the little fella and shows him the horse's ears.  

    "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf"?

    The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.  

    "Nice mouf, can I see her twot"?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.  
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
     
  6. In his last days on earth, Bob decides to go on blind date when he brags to Cilla that despite his age of 97,he could have sex 3 times a nite.

    After the show Cilla wanders over "look Bob" she purrs "I hope I’m not being to forward but I’d like to have sex with an older man’’.

    Smiling the pair make there way back to Bobs place and have good sex for half an hour, then he says to her ‘Put your right hand over my testicles and hold my dick in your left hand’  and then he goes to sleep for half an hour.

    When he wakes and they have another half an hour of sex and then, once again Bob tells Cilla to put her right hand over his testicles and hold his penis in her left hand and he goes to sleep again .

    When he wakes up and they have even better sex then, he says let me have one more nap and repeat the process.
    The same thing happens and he wakes up and they have great sex again.

    Cilla, by this point, is really puzzled, can’t for the life of her understand why Bob likes her to hold his testicles and penis whilst he sleeps, so she asks him.

    ‘Does my holding your testicles in my right hand and your dick in my left does turn you on in your sleep Bob?

    To which Bob replies ‘No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser she stole my wallet.  

    ;D  ;D
     
  7. Anthea Turner and her driver are driving down a country road and they see a cow on their side of the road.  ‘OH BALLZ’ shouts the driver he cannot avoid it!
    They hit the cow and it is immediately dead.  
    The driver pulls up the car and says to Anthea "Im sorry dear, I’m going to have to walk to the farm house and tell the farmer about this terrible accident".  
    "Ok I'll wait here for you, but don’t be too long"  She squawks.

    2 hours float by and Anthea is getting a bit bored and wondering if the farmer may have shot her driver.  An hour later the driver scrambles up to the car.

    He looks knackered, has a massive grin on his face and he is legless with alcohol.  
    "What the hell happened to you mate"? She said.  
    "It was strange the farmer gave me some of his strong fine whiskey, his wife gave me 2 cigars and their daughters just wouldnt stop shagging me, I can hardly walk"

    "So how did you explain the accident"? Says Anthea,  
    ‘Well’ said the driver ‘I approached the farmer, I was scared because he was shooting pheasants, and all I said was ‘I’m Anthea Turners driver and I’ve just killed the cow!’  
     
  8. In a little village somewhere in Yorkshire the local church loses the priest to retirement. The new one that has been lined up to take his place has only just been ordained and is obviously feeling a bit daunted by the prospect of having to replace such a popular man.

    When the time comes for him to give his first confessional at the end of his first week there, he is, understandably nervous, not just because he still doesn't know people all that well, but also because, he realised, that the amount of Hail Mary’s and recitals of The Lord's Prayer differ from place to place.

    Once seated in one side of the booth he waits for his first confessor.
    It isn't long before someone enters the booth. "Forgive me father for I have sinned"
    "What is it that you have done my child?"
    "I stole some apples off of Mr. Peterson's tree"

    Not wanting to give out the wrong number of each for this village, he opens up the door on his side and calls to Mrs. Watly, a lady that is now in her late sixties and has been cleaning the church for the last 35 years.

    "What do you give for stealing apples?"
    "3 Hail Mary’s and 1 Lords Prayer"
    "Thank you." He turns to the person confessing. "Go home my child say 3 Hail Mary’s and recite The Lord's Prayer once"
    Thank you father."

    As the confessor leaves, the priest thinks 'what a wonderful little child that boy is.

    The next confessor comes in. "Forgive me father for I have sinned"
    "What is it that you have done my child?"
    "I caused a fairly big dent in someone's car with mine whilst he was parked. I didn't know where the driver was and didn't leave my insurance company's details or my 'phone number to let him know."

    Again he called out to Mrs.Watly. "What do you give for denting a car and not telling them that it was you?"
    "4 Hail Mary’s and 2 Lords Prayers"
    "Thank you." He turns to the person confessing.
    "Go home my child say 4 Hail
    Mary’s and recite The Lord's Prayer twice."

    The next person enters the confessional box.
    "Forgive me father for I have sinned"
    "What is it that you have done my child?"
    "I gave my boyfriend oral sex this morning"

    Still not sure of things, he once again called out to Mrs. Watly.
    "What do you give for oral sex?" After thinking about this for a moment she replied: "£20 with my teeth in and £40 with them out!"
     
  9. THIS IS WHAT CAUSED ENRONS DOWNFALL IN THE STATES

    Cow Economy
          TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
         You sell them and retire on the income.

         AMERICAN CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
         credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a
         debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
         cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
         cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
         secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
         seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
         owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
         president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
         sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

         AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You
         are surprised when the cow drops dead.

         FRENCH CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You go on strike because you want three cows.

         JAPANESE CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
         produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
         called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

         A GERMAN CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
         themselves.

         AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
         You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for
         lunch.

         A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You count them and learn you have five cows.
         You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
         You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
         You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

         A SWISS CORPORATION
         You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
         storing them.

         CHINESE CORPORATION
         You have two cows.
         You have 300 people milking them.
         You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
         newsman who reported the numbers.

         A BRITISH CORPORATION
         You have two cows... both are mad.

         A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
         You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...


    [​IMG]
     
  10. The Human Resources Manager

    One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
    "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
    the woman.
    "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
    The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
    desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled.
    "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

    Does the Army use the same technique with the emphasis on Adv trg etc?
     
  11. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman were discussing love-making.
         
    "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
    "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
         
    "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian  
    responded, "This morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me  
    she could never love another man."
         
    When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
    "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
         
    "Once." he replied.
    "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
    "And what did she say to you this morning?"
         
    "Don't stop."  
     
  12. One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
    God, "Lord, I have a problem."
     
    "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
     
    "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
    with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
    just not happy"
     
    "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
     
    "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
    and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
     
    "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution.  I shall create a
    'woman' for you."
     
    "What's a 'woman', Lord?"
     
    "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
    beautiful creature I have ever created.  She will be so intelligent that
    she can figure out what you want before you want it.  She will be so
    sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
    you happy.
     
    Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.  She will
    unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.  She will be the
    perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
     
    "Sounds great."
     
    "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
     
    "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
     
    "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
    your left testicle."





    Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
    on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
     
    The rest, as they say, is history.

    sorry ladies
     
  13. A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Ocean. The impact is Such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.
    After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
    Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
    As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...
    its Kylie Minogue.
    Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
    One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
    "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
    We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
    Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
    "OK"
    "And my trousers?"
    "OK"
    At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her.
    "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in the other direction and meet you half way."
    "OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
    So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her  heading towards him along the beach,
    at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her,
    grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

    "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!