Jokes about other units.

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Speedy, May 17, 2006.

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  1. I wonder just how many there are? Anyway, heres my best one.

    Q. How many Pioneers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. Ten. One to change it and nine to complain about all the s**t jobs they get.
  2. Q. What has the IQ of 10
    A. The Guards Division
  3. Old one:

    I'm sweating like a para in a spellng test...
  4. Or:

    I'm sweating like a hat during a BFT.
  5. A Guards officer and a Para in the bogs. The Para finishes having a p!ss and starts to walk off.
    Guards officer: In the Guards we teach our men to wash their hands after taking a p!ss
    Para: ReallySir, in the Paras we learn not to piss on our hands.
  6. Three things fall from the sky - rain, birdshit and Paras.
  7. Two cavalry officers are having a drink in the mess. One says to the other:

    “I say Rupert, have you heard the latest about the adjutant?”

    “No Tarquin, what is it?”

    “Well, not to put too fine a point on it, he was found in the stables last night, shagging his horse.”

    “His horse is a mare, isn’t it, Tarquin?”

    “Well of course – there’s nothing queer about the adj!”
  8. A Guardsman, a Para and a Craftsman are each given a ball of brass and locked in seperate rooms. After a week, the rooms are unlocked and the three soldiers are checked to see what they've done with their brass balls.

    In the Craftsmans room there is a working clock sculped from the ball.
    In the Guardsmans room there is a glow brighter than the sun, from a weeks worth of polishing.
    As the door to the Para's room is opened, all that can be seen is the young tom looking sheepish. Upon asking what happened to the brass ball, he replies: "I broke it".

    It's an old one I know.
  9. Young McTavish comes down from the hills to join the local regiment. After his medical at the AFCO the Sgt calls him in.

    "McTavish we have a rpoblem - you've only got half a willy"

    "Aye a sheep bit it off last winter"

    "Well you can't join with such a medical problem"

    "So what you are saying is that I have to be a complete prick to join the (insert name of regiment)?"
  10. How do you move Guardsmen?

    "In bundles of ten, Sah!" :D
  11. Three units are in the same camp on training, the Paras, the Royal Marines and <insert your unit here>. At the end of the training day, all three units gather in the NAAFI. After eyeing each other with wary professionalism, the three RSM's tip some of their sprogs off chairs and sit down together for a beer. After trading shop-talk and discussing their various stints at Brecon, Sandhurst and Lympstone, they eventually relax and undo the top buttons of their shirts.

    Three hours later, they're all rat-arsed. The Marine sits forward and slurs:
    'Guys, I know, let's work out which of our units is the hardesht. PERKINS!'
    A sprog on the other side of the room springs to his feet and wobbles over. 'SAH!'
    'Perkins, be a good lad and double away to your block. Come back with full CEMO and two jerry cans of water. Then I want you to yomp up that hill and back in less than an hour'. The Marine RSM points out of the window at Snowdonia, which looms in the distance, rain-lashed and forbidding.
    'SAH!' Perkins sprints away. The three RSMs watch through binoculars as the little green beret shoots up the mountain and back again. He wobbles past the guardhouse and collapses in the NAAFI entrance, shaking with fatigue.
    '53 minutes, SAH!' he shouts, before passing out and being dragged to the medical block by his plastered oppos.

    'Thatsh nothing,' says the Para RSM, struggling to focus on the other two, ' JONES!'
    A tom springs to his feet and races over, then snaps to attention. 'SAH!'
    'Jones, I want you to beat that cabbagehead. Get to your block, get full CEMO, two jerry cans of water, a GMPG, a LAW and three hundred rounds of link. Then do it in less than forty five.'
    The tom sprints off, and again the RSMs watch as a little maroon beret zips up the mountain and back down again, before collapsing at the NAAFI bar.
    '42 minutes, SAH!' he shouts, before shrugging his kit off, taking a sip of his pint and falling off his barstool. He too is dragged away to the medical block.

    The RSM of <insert your unit here> smirks, and says 'Lads, that's fcuking nothing. My boys are the hardest in here, and I'll prove it.'
    'We'd like to see you try!' say the other two in drunken unison.
    'WILSON' screams the RSM at the top of his lungs. A sprog on the other side of the room gets slowly to his feet, saunters across the room and comes to attention in front of the RSM. 'Yes sir?' he says.
    'Wilson, I want you to beat those two previous efforts, to prove how hard we are. To the top and back, full CEMO, three jerry cans of water, two GMPGs, two LAWs, five hundred rounds of link, and I want you to drag one of the log-run telegraph poles behind you.'
    Wilson looks at the mountain, looks at the mounds of sweaty kit dumped by the previous two efforts, then looks at his RSM.
    'Fcuk off sir.' he says.
    The RSM of <insert your unit here> turns back to the other two with a smug grin.
    'Now THAT's fcuking hard'.
  12. No - that is Quality!!!!!

    Someone already stole mine "Sweating like a Para in a spelling test"

    Edited to say: How many log ins do you need man!!! re-match?
  13. Once there was a cavalry officer so stupid that even his brother officers noticed.
  14. Scots Guard in riot in Belfast sees a hood about to chuck a petrol bomb, when it spills down his sleeve, setting it aflame. Scots Guard fires 3 rounds into him.

    In the following inquest, when asked why he acted so hastily, he replies 'He had an arm alight'...

    *edit for mong spelling*