Jokes!!  Arty or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Gunners' started by GunnersQuadrant, Mar 15, 2002.

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  1. GunnersQuadrant

    GunnersQuadrant LE Moderator

    Get em down.  you know you wanna take the p*ss out of the Air Defenders.  Or anyone else for that matter!

    In the beginning there was the vision
    And then came the assumptions
    And the assumptions were without form
    And the vision was completely without substance
    And darkness was on the faces of the soldiers

    And they spake unto their Bombardiers, saying,
    `The vision is a crock of shi*e, and it stinketh.'

    And the Bombardiers went unto their Sergeants and sayeth,
    `It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.'


    And the Sergeants went unto their Warrants, and sayeth unto them,
    `This vision is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.'

    And the Warrants went unto their Lieutenants, and sayeth unto them,
    `It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.'

    And the Lieutenants went unto their Colonel, and sayeth,
    `It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.'

    And the Colonel went unto the Brigadier, and sayeth unto him,
    `It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful.'

    And the Brigadier unto the General, and sayeth unto him,
    `This powerful new vision will actively promote the growth and
    efficiency of the Army, and this Regiment in particular.'

                   And the General looked upon the vision
                   And he saw that it was good
                   And so the vision became policy.
     
  2. BRITSH ARMY ANSWERING MACHINE


    "Thankyou for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

    If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

    If your concern is distant, with tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press '#' for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours or at weekends.

    If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a grey funnel, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to The First Sea Lord, The Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London SW1.

    If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.

    If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.

    If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis in both knees, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation and are prepared to work your ******** off daily, risking life and limb in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the treasury erode your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on th line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop behind the railway station. Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army."
     
  3. whats the diffrence between the larkhill officers mess and a pair of knickers?

    you can only fit 1 c**t in a pair of knickers?

                                             
     
  4. Being airborne is like being a virgin.
    Either you are or you're not.
    And if you're not, then nobody
    is interested in your excuses.
     
  5. Heres on for you



    UNFICYP ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
     
  6. A soldier returns to his wife and family for a spot of leave. The soldier indulges in a beer swilling session in his own home and becomes quite emotional. His wife being concerned asks him what the problem is, his reply; “I’m sick of this job; I have no mates, everyone calls me names, they spit on my back. When I walk into the NAAFI, everyone leaves. The CO just takes the piss and I have this everyday and all day. I have had enough; I’m not going back, **** the lot of them” His wife tries to reassure her beloved. “But darling you have to go back, you’re the RSM”
     
  7. Does anyone have a copy of the "You know you've just returned from Op Grapple (or Resolute or whatever)" list? It had things like "When your kids ask for a sweet and you say "Nema bon-bons, fcuk-off!" and the rest...Can't believe I'm nostalgic for them days!
     
  8. So three Army surgeons are discussing their patients, The first chimes up:

    “I like working with Sappers, you open them up and all the parts are colour coded and in order, you whip out the broken bit, wipe it down to check the colour get a matching one from a spare and fit it back in, there are direction arrows to make sure you put it in the right way up. They are great to work on”

    The second says:

    “Ah but you can’t beat the REME, they are completely numbered on the inside, all you do is read out the serial to your tiffy who bangs it into the laptop - up comes the part from echelon and you are in business”

    The third says:

    “Fellas – you are joking right – The RA are a piece of cake, they only have two parts, one’s a mouth the others an arrsehole and they are interchangeable anyway”

    Boom Boom.