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  1. This had me climbing up the wall for about half an hour before I got it. And I'm not sure it's even that funny. Whaddya reckon?

  2. :lol: I must be a clever arrse then- Very good :lol:
  3. In similar vein is the genetic engineering story of the breeding together of a pheasant and an eagle,the scientists called the product"a pheagle".Similarly a pheasant and a robin were interbred;result"a phobin"further to this a pheasant and a Thrush;result"a phrush".The final cross was a crossing of a pheasant and a duck-they called it Nigel.
  4. Unknown_Quantity

    Unknown_Quantity War Hero Moderator

    Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other "hot in here," and the other says "bugger me!!! A talking sausage!"
  5. A bunch of punters are being taken round an art gallery in Glasgow by the head guide. He stops in front of each painting and gives a brief insight and description.

    When they get to the last painting, they all stop and gawp. It features three naked black blokes on a park bench. The two on the left and right are eating butties and the one in the middle has got a pink knob. The guide gives it loads.

    "What we have here is an allegorical representation of the marginilisation of the black male, in contemporary Scottish society,"...... and so on. He's still rattling on when a bloke shouts from the back.

    "That's fcuking rubbish."

    The guide, outraged at the affront, shouts back,

    "How dare you, Sir. I'm the head guide at this gallery. What gives you the right to question my judgement."

    "I painted the fcuker, that's what."

    The guides taken aback but comes back quick.

    "Well perhaps you'd like to enlighten us as to what is going on in your painting then."

    "No probs. It's quite straightforward really. It's three white, turn-of-the-century coalminers on their break."

    "Oh, really. Then perhaps you can explain why the man in the middle has a pink knob."

    "He went home for lunch."
  6. I only discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party as a goat!
  7. There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she bed baths the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.

    The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

    Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.

    The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
  8. Did you hear about the dyslexic Islamic terrorist? He shot Willy Rushton.
  9. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
    married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
    girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
    thing was her younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and
    low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a
    pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
    she was near anyone else.

    One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
    invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

    She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
    desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.
    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
    and committed my life to her sister.

    I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to
    my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

    I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
    reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at

    I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

    I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
    me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

    We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car
  10. A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
    spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do?
    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He
    hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
    and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
  11. booooooooooooo
  12. There are two blokes, one is 300ft up a mountain and the second one is being given head by an 83 year old granny, What do they have in common????

    They are both to scared to look down.
  13. An Aberdeen farmer buys several sheep,hoping to breed them
    for wool.

    After several weeks,he notices that none of the sheep are
    getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
    and with a red face asks the vet to elaborate.

    The vet tells the farmer that he will have to inseminate
    them himself.

    The farmer asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
    are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
    instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

    He comes to the conclusion that he has to impregnate the sheep.

    So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out
    into the woods,has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to

    The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

    Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces
    that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the LandRover

    He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep
    twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

    The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just
    standing around.

    One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them
    up and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day sh*gging the sheep and upon returning
    home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the
    bed to look at the sheep.

    He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
    lying in the grass.

    "No," she says, "they're all in the LandRover and one of
    them is beeping the horn."
  14. old men don't take Viagra because they're impotent... its because old women are ugk\ly...
  15. what's the difference between David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher?

    Ferrero Rocher still comes in a posh box.