Joke

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#1
Q: What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?
A: Scargill hasn't seen a miner's helmet for twenty years.
 
#3
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her t*ts and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
 
E

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#4
Corporal said:
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her t*ts and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
COPYRIGHT ALERT!

Corp you fücker, that wasn't a joke, it was a true story which I happen to know because I know the guy it happened to, and because I told it on Arrse last year! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#5
George W. Bush meets the Queen

A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side & waving to the thousands of cheering Britans lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control".

George W. Bush, ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
 
#6
David Beckham phones up Michael Jackson.
"Jacko" David says "Sorry to hear about your trial and your bad back. How about when it's over you come to Spain for a holiday with me Victoria and the kids on our yacht" Michael replies (wait for it!!) "That'll be great David I would love to come on your Cruz!!
 
#7
Q: Why can you always win a race against Michael Jackson?
A: Because he always likes to come in a little behind
 
#8
chickenpunk said:
Corporal said:
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her t*ts and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
COPYRIGHT ALERT!

Corp you fücker, that wasn't a joke, it was a true story which I happen to know because I know the guy it happened to, and because I told it on Arrse last year! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Fecking rodney, always taking credit for an enlisted man's work! :D

How about this?

A little girl is lost in Tesco's and the secrurity guard comes up to her and says 'Whats your mummy like? The little girl says 'Big c0cks and vodka.'
 
#9
Corporal said:
How about this?

A little girl is lost in Tesco's and the secrurity guard comes up to her and says 'Whats your mummy like? The little girl says 'Big c0cks and vodka.'
Top drawer that one I am claiming that down the pub tonight and gonna text it
 
#10
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

I'll get my coat....
 
#12
How many Phsycologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

21. 1 to change the bulb, and the other 20 to work out if it really wanted to change in the first place...
 
#13
Quasimodo came home from work one day and found his wife with a wok in her hand.

"Are we having stir fry for dinner tonight?", said Quasimodo.

"No, I'm going to iron one of your shirt's.", said his wife.
 
#14
chickenpunk said:
Corporal said:
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her t*ts and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
COPYRIGHT ALERT!

Corp you fücker, that wasn't a joke, it was a true story which I happen to know because I know the guy it happened to, and because I told it on Arrse last year! :lol: :lol: :lol:
ohhh yes

asian goes to heaven and knocks on the pearly gates,
st peter comes to the gates and says "yes"
asian says " ive come for jesus"
st peter shouts
" JESUS TAXI"


not a racist slur... just all the asians I know are cabbies :D
 
#15
whats yellow and smells of bananas
monkey puke


whats the similarity between the starship enterprise and a toilet roll?
they both go round uranus wiping out klingons

oldie but a goodie
 
#16
A bloke goes off for a dirty week end and comes back with one.










Don't worry, you can post my coat on to me.
 
#19
a few MJ jokes;


Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

Q. What is worse than Michael Jackson putting your kids to bed?
A. Ian Huntley bathing them.

What is the difference between acne and Micheal Jackson?
Acne doesn't "come" on your face until you are 13.
 
#20
A young couple got married, and on their first night in their new home, the husband said, "Sweetheart, we should set up some sort of a signaling system regarding sex. When we go to bed at night, if you want sex, just reach over and pull my penis twice."

The wife said, "Fine, but what do I do if I don't want sex?"

The husband said, "Then reach over and pull my penis fifty or sixty times."




One day, a little boy goes over to his grandparents house and is sitting out on the poarch with his grandfather. Grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy asks if he can have a sip. "can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the grandpa. He says no, so the grandpa says "well, then you arent old enough yet to drink beer". The little boy goes back to his grandparents house about a week later and is again sitting on the poarch with grandpa, and again asks if he can have a sip of grandpa's beer. "Can your dick touch your asshole yet?" He says it still cant, so Grandpa say "Sorry, but youre still not old enough yet" The little boy goes inside where grandma gives him a plate of fresh cookies. He goes back outside and Grandpa asks him if he can have one. "Can YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole, Grandpa?" "Sure can" says Grandpa. "Well good for you, then go f*** yourself, cuz these are my cookies"
 
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