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1 RHF CSgt driving home in his car one evening , when he accidently drives into the side of another car, being driven by another CSgt from a well known English Inf Regt. Jock gets out of the car to see if the other driver is OK. As he looks into the drivers compartment he see's a very bruised and battered Grenadier Guards CSgt. "Are you OK pal" asks Jock. "No mate" say the Guardsman, I'm feeling cold and everything is going dark. I think both of my legs are broken and I'm bleeding profusely from my lower torso". "Fucks sakes" thinks Jock. "Hold on mate, I'll be right back!". Believing that the Guardsman may soon breath his last, Jock retrieves a bottle of 12 yr old Malt from his car and returns hurriedly to the dying Guardsman. "I'm really sorry big man" says Jock "But I don't think you're going to make it. Will you have a dram with me before you go?" "I will" says the Guardsman, who then gulps from the bottle.

"Will you not join me in a drink Jock? This may be my last" asks the Guardsman.

"No" says Jock, I'll wait until after the police have come.
From a Mr Vice some years ago...

"You may have seen my car, it's a 16 valve morris minor.........4 in the tyres, 8 in the engine and 4 in the radio" :p

Went down well.
RSM decides on a poetry competition after a mess dinner. The poems must include the word 'Timbuktu'. Down to two finalists. First up is a BSM:
"The Tureg on his camel trail,
will make the journey he knows well.
Only stopping for a brew,
by nightfall must make Timbuktu."

Usual abuse from the assembled SNCO's

Second finalist - a Grizzled of sod of a Sgt stands up:
"Me and Tim on a 'field-ex' went,
met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
so I bucked one and Timbuktu!"

The Sgt won.
Sgt come home from a night in the mess,
gets in bed and lets one rip!
"What was that?" asks the wife.
"Well, it's like a game of rugby" says the sgt - explaining the rules.
"and that was 3 points"
Wife giggles and lets one go rrrrrpppp!!!!
"thats a try and a conversion - 7 points" says she.
Not to be out done the Sgt strains so hard he sh*ts the bed.
"What on earth was that!!???" asks the wife.
to which he replied "Half time - change sides!"
bloke goes to the doctor and says to his mate "I got this really wierd thing going on....every time I sneeze I come in my pants"

the doc writes out a prescription

the bloke says is that for antibiotics?

docs says no it's for a big bag of pepper
Two smart blondes sitting discussing life and the universe. One blonde says to the other 'which do you think is farthest away - Florida or the Moon' the other blonde looks disdainfully at her and says 'HELLLOOOO - the moon of course, can you see Florida from here?
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