Joke parliamentary candidates.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by samain11, Oct 3, 2012.

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  1. On another thread i posted about Labour taking the piss with a wet behind the ears, baby boy candidate for west devon in 2010. Now I know that hopefuls get blooded in constituencies they can't win...but surely they should at least do us the courtesy of putting up credible candidates or is this the future we are stuck with now, just more and more lobby-fodder.
     
  2. I thought they were all jokes.
     
  3. The word is that Labour is looking for a nice safe seat for Euan Blair.
     
  4. What happened to the Monster Raving Loony party? I would've voted for them.
     
  5. Merged with the Labour Party.
     
  6. Bugger
     
  7. BiscuitsAB

    BiscuitsAB LE Moderator

    I've got one. It plugs into the mains.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  8. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    **inserts joke about 'well they selected gordon brown'**
     
  9. From the Rhinoceros Party of Canada entry on Wiki:

    Other platform promises of the Rhinoceros Party included:

    • Repealing the law of gravity[SUP][18][/SUP][SUP][19][/SUP]
    • Providing higher education by building taller schools[SUP][10][/SUP]
    • Instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages[SUP][10][/SUP]
    • Tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset[SUP][19][/SUP]
    • Making Montreal the Venice of North America by damming the St. Lawrence River[SUP][20][/SUP]
    • Abolishing the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space[SUP][10][/SUP]
    • Annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory in Canada's backyard (after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories -- Nunavut did not yet exist), in order to eliminate foreign control of Canada's natural resources[SUP][21][/SUP]
    • Ending crime by abolishing all laws[SUP][22][/SUP]
    • To provide more parking in the Maritimes and to create the world's largest parking lot respectively, paving the Bay of Fundy and the province of Manitoba [SUP][10][/SUP][SUP][19][/SUP]
    • Turning Montreal's Saint Catherine Street into the world's longest bowling alley[SUP][10][/SUP]
    • Amending Canada's Freedom of Information Act. "Nothing is free anymore; Canadians should have to pay for their information." [SUP][23][/SUP]
    • Making the Canadian climate more temperate by tapping into the natural resource of hot air in Ottawa.[SUP][23][/SUP]
    • Storing nuclear waste in the Senate. "After all, we've been storing political waste there for years." [SUP][23][/SUP]
    • Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last.[SUP][12][/SUP]
    • Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California[SUP][19][/SUP][SUP][21][/SUP]
    • Putting the national debt on Visa[SUP][24][/SUP]
    • Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons[SUP][25][/SUP]
    • Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros "Hindquarters" in Montreal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this)[SUP][25][/SUP]
    • Painting Canada's coastal sea limits in watercolour so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times[SUP][20][/SUP]
    • Banning guns and butter, since both kill[SUP][20][/SUP]
    • Banning lousy Canadian winters[SUP][10][/SUP]
    • Building a bridge spanning the country, from Vancouver Island to Newfoundland.[SUP][26][/SUP]
    • Making the Trans-Canada Highway one way only.[SUP][26][/SUP]
    • Changing Canada's currency to bubble gum, so it could be inflated or deflated at will.[SUP][27][/SUP]
    • Donate a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada[SUP][21][/SUP]
    • Counting the Thousand Islands to see if the Americans have stolen any[SUP][8][/SUP]
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. I hope you mean 3 Phase, not just the wall outlet. I mean, you would not want to be cruel....... (Would you?)

    Cheers
    Gadge
     
  11. If every ARRSE member and "friends" put in for a proxy vote in one constituency, could we get someone elected?
    Find a small place with low turnout and no clear majority. Then nominate Porridge Gun!
     
  12. A free butt-plug for every schoolchild? Sounds like a winner to me.
     
  13. I'd nominate 5A. It'd make question time in parliament entertaining.
     
  14. I would love to see a reality TV show made where candidates at an election have to audition before their local party and show how hard they would work on behalf of their local community as well as answering questions about local issues. They would get wittled down until the party's official candidate is chosen.

    Each of the major parties would select in this way. Each party supplies the 3 initial judges to select their candidates from the auditions, the panel plus public make the final cut.

    Independents 'audition' before a panel of 2 local councillors and a lay person and are chosen in the same way as others except that they make the final selection numbers up to 10. So, if there are representatives from the Tories, Labour, Lib Dem, UKIP and Green Parties then they would make up the final five to make the total ten.

    The finalists would be judged by an academic, a local politician and a lay person. They would have to formulate policies on National and local issues and work with members of the public to solve issues. Each candidate would be mentored by a famous politician from his/her party or, in the case of independents famous or former independent MPs.

    It would be interesting to see what made a candidate popular with the public and is people voted because they shared the same ethnicity or gender or if they genuinely went for the one that would work the hardest and had the most sensible policies.

    Obviously they wouldn't be real elections and the whole country would be voting so there would have to be some sort of accommodation for Nationalist parties but I think it would make fascinating TV and may well turn up a few future politicians of worth. It would certainly give an insight into what people want from their MP and how they choose.
     
  15. Demonstrates quite clearly the regard politicians have for the electorate. The good of the country is the last priority on their manifestos.