Joke for today

S

Snips

Guest
#1
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
 
#2
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does  this taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right"..."the steaks are too high."

;D
 
#5
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.  As she is
lying on the ground, the driver, Dave,rushes out of the
car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv!  I just didn't see ya.  Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.  He asks, "How
many fingers have I got up?".
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams.  "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the
waist down an all!!!". ;D
 
#6
A bloke walks in to a pub and goes up to the bar, the barman asks him what he woukd like to drink.

"Whisky!" replies the bloke in a really raspy faint voice.

"that's £2 please sir" says the barman, but before he could finish his sentence the bloke had downed the Whisky and was holding out the glass.

"Whisky!" rasps the bloke again

"OK OK" says the barman, so off he goes to get his Whisky, "that will be £4 please sir" once again, before the barman had a chance the guy is holding out his glass

"Whisky!"he shouts in his raspy voice. Anyway this goes on for 20 minutes before the barman finally asks

"Whats with all the Whisky and why is your voice so faint and raspy?"

The guy lifts up his chin and drags his right index finger across his neck as if to motion the cutting of his throat and whispers "Falkland War"

Barman is so shocked and in ore, he tells the man not to worry about paying for the Whisky it's on the house.

So the guy sits at the end of the bar with his free bottle of Whisky all night until last orders is called.

As he is just about to leave the barman calls him over for a quick word
"Listen, me and the lads in the lounge bar have been discussing what you guy's did down South and we are pretty impressed, I must say, all that sh1t you lot went through and all, so we've had a whip round for you, it's not much but here's £125"

The bloke looks the barman in the eye and says

"Muchos Grasias!" ::)
 
#7
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath.
This made him.... what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
::)
 

CGS

War Hero
Moderator
#11
STOP!

Change tack or I'll get involved!

And I know that it was in print today, but please just leave it out of here, lest we get into trouble!
 
#14
:D

Just minutes before the wedding:

The best man and groom walk into Tesco's to get some booze for dutch courage, when they bumped into the condom stand,

the groom says-"what is the 3 pack of condoms for?"

the best man replies"well thats for on your first date, 1 for friday night and 2 for saturday night"

"oh right!...well what about the 6 pack then?"

"thats for the weekend after, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday"

"oh" said the groom with lots of enthusiasm
"so whats the twelve pack for then???" :-[ :-[ :-[

"oh thats for when your married, 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march..."    :eek:  :D ;) ;D :-[ :eek:
 
#15
Jill attempts to drive to work, coming across a problem with the car she tells her husband John

JILL : There's a problem with the car, there's water in the carburettor

JOHN:  Water in the carburettor? Thats rediculous.

JILL: I'm telling you thats the problem

JOHN:  Yeah well let me have a look, where's the car now?

JILL: In the pool

:D
 

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#16
Little Boy:   Daddy, is God a Man or a Woman?

Father:   Well, Son, God's both, really.

Little Boy:  Daddy, is God white or black?

Father:  Well, I suppose God's both of those as well.

Little Boy:  So, Michael Jackson is God, then?
 
F

flash_to_bang

Guest
#17
What's blue and can't climb trees-Mark Bolan's mini

Diana gets to heaven and tuns to Dodi and says "When I said I wanted to get F**ked in the back of a black Merc..........."

general visiting the royal Signals depot sees a tom limping along.  "What's up son?"

"I just shat myself sir"

"Well why don't you go to the toilet?"

"I haven't finished yet"
 
#18
Christine Agrollera on Top of the Pops.  Chicken legs went out years ago.  Didn't they?


Excellent joke Prod:


Why are there no Arabs in Star Trek?

Because Star Trek is based in the future.........  

Sums them ALL up.
 
#19
Peadophile walking into the woods at night with a little girl.  Girl looks up at him and whimpers "I'm scared".  "YOU'RE SCARED" splutters the peado "I've got to walk back on my own!"
 
#20
My wife went to the doctors the other day...imagine my delight when she came back and told me we'd be buying nappies from now on ...................apparantly her colons fcucked.... :D
 

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