Joining The New Model Army

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Counter-Bluffer-Ops, Mar 1, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Talking to an old mate the other day. His son went to enquire about a career in the Army. It went something like this:

    As he walked through the freshly-painted doors, festooned with sponsorship logos, he was met by a spotty-looking rather weedy civilian FAFFER.

    Jones: Good morning - I’d like to talk to someone about joining the Army.

    FAFFER: That’s me – how can I help?

    Jones: I want to talk to somebody actually in the Army. Somebody who knows what they’re talking about and can tell me about what life will be like in the Army.

    FAFFER: Silly old you. We got rid of those old dinosauric recruiting NCOs a few months ago. They were nothing but trouble – turning away blokes who looked like they couldn’t punch their way out of a wet paper bag, and even some who couldn’t read and write, or who had criminal convictions!

    Jones: What’s wrong with that?

    FAFFER: We’re not judgemental like that. We can see their potential and let nothing stand in the way of these fine young men and women realising their potential. In addition, they were weeding out far too many disabled, women, and those of unusual sexual predilections.

    Jones: Really, why would all that matter?

    FAFFER: Well, it’s nothing to do with the fact that we get paid for those we refer on the Army training establishments, or that we are paid a special bonus for referring on those types which are under-represented in the Army. And we are not connected with Emma Harrison at A4E in the slightest. It’s all about, in the words of one of our Labour Party non-exec chaps, removing the class, ethnic and physical barriers that so harm our young adults and prevent them breaking through the military glass ceiling that so thwarted his great ambitions.

    Jones: That sounds interesting – who is this chap?

    FAFFER: I’m afraid I can’t tell you at the moment – something about due process prior to a criminal trial.

    Jones: Oh, well. Can you tell me what I’ll be doing in basic training?

    FAFFER: Well currently you’ll be doing all that silly stuff like PT, shooting, and field craft. However, once we take it over (it’s currently being considered for outsourcing), we intend to create a virtual training environment where people can shine regardless of their physical or mental prowess.

    Jones: Aren’t those things essential to an effective Army:

    FAFFER: They were but the NMA is going to do things much differently. The current plan is that post-2015 they hunker down in UK enclaves, only coming out to assist the civil powers in emergencies (subject of course to strict risk-assessment and health and safety assurances) or helping out down local old-peoples homes doing a bit of community engagement.

    Jones: Oh, won’t there be an opportunity for travel and adventure then?

    FAFFER: Of course. At least bi-monthly you will all be shipped off for an intensive 2-week diversity programme. Those that pass will be rewarded with an attachment to one of the UK’s leading diversity organisations, whilst those that fail will stay on for a further 2 week’s re-education. Win, win, all round.

    JONES: That’s not what I was hoping for at all. What about adventure training? My father was telling me all about the great times they had skiing down in Bavaria, or climbing and canoeing in the Harz mountains, or Army sports championships, and how it all contributed to unit morale and team-building.

    FAFFER: Old hat, and grossly exaggerated. We’re going to replace it with something better though – a government-approved team-building organisation is going to deliver some really exciting stuff – there won’t be any competitive stuff or anything dangerous, of course, but everyone will get a prize.

    JONES: Where will I be housed. Dad was telling me about all the great family quarters we lived in, and how he and Mum really felt part of the family?

    FAFFER: Another myth I’m afraid, peddled by those with vested interests. In future, we’ll ensure that you have the opportunity to rent/buy a cutting-edge, environmentally friendly, property, within cycling distance of the barracks, and which will be provided in partnership with one of our leading civilian property companies, drawing upon the fantastic model developed by Blue Force. Now, how about you sign up – great opportunity and if you do it today I will hit one of my key targets for the month?

    JONES: Sorry, gotta dash – got another interview down at TESCO’s. Before I go I passed this office a few months ago and I could have sworn the sign above it said ‘Army Careers Information Office’, and now it says ASTCRO?

    FAFFER: Yes. Afraid the term careers was felt to be rather old hat so we re-named it Army Short Term Contracts Recruiting Office. Blue sky thinking – that’s us.


    All characters and organisations in this story are fictional, any perceived reference to an actual person or organisation is merely co-incidental.
    • Like Like x 7
  2. Good post - shame its not fiction...
  3. The future, thank f*%k I am out next year.............
  4. Unfortunately that's probably very near the truth. Thank the Prophet I only have 2 years left. I'll have done 34 years by 2014, when my current "contract" runs out and to be honest, I really don't want to go on to the 37 year point.

    I really think (and with all due respect to the current crop of careerists) that we aging folk of the Cold War generation have seen the last of the very best of it.

    I suppose for the troops joining up roundabout 2015 and going straight into New Employment Model TACs, they won't know any different so it won't be a bother, but the people who are mid-career at changeover will have some right comparisons to chat about at tea and toast (under PAYD of course).

    Mind you, they'll be so busy in 3Foxtrot in Iran (post Syria) they won't have too much time for idle chatter.
  5. The sad thing is we can all see it happening! I don't know anyone that would reccomend joining up these days.
  6. Will they have a beret-shaping symposium?
  7. Well, there will always be the Household Platoon.
  8. Its amazing that their a imbeciles in society who actually think like this and genuinely believe it works.

    I used to work in Local Government and the were exactly like that, always wasting time and money on useless motivational tripe and team building nonsense, all with rent payers money.
    It was the only job I've ever had that I had to look for something to do, I would've shot myself if I'd stayed.
  9. Im not a f*cking dinosaur .....theres too many proper words in there to say you know what your talking about so wont crayon on it.
  10. and it will become an offence to use the phrase 'crap hat' because we will all be one army together in harmony
  11. I wish you had stayed
  12. What these people need to realise is, that the military ethos and "speak" won't be changed, it's far too ingrained. Expect this Crapita contract to crash and burn in a few years

    And Jones "Have you ever served? Which regiment? what's it like out on Ops?"
    And Faffer "We know the score. All over rated and you don't want to be listening to war stories from old sweats do you? Next you'll be asking a for a sand bag and swinging Tilly lamps. I have a friend of an uncle's sister's daughter that's been out there, if you're interested".

    Fantastic post OP, extraordinary insight. We old uns definitely did see the best of it all.

    I wonder what the new recruitment and selection process will look like.
  13. With the introduction of 'Crapita' will it effect front of house ops? ie, Young switched on bloke walks into AFCO and says i want to speak to someone about joining the Army/Navy/AirForce etc, the first person he should see hopefully will be someone in Uniform?
  14. Yes quite. I really struggle to understand how on one hand the army of 30 years ago was said to be the best in the world, and on the other, every successive generation of politicians have had a bash at changing it. Yet they are usually the ones banging on about how 'our armed forces ard the best in the world'.
    If it works, don't bloody change it you retarded tosspots. Oh, unless there's some degree of self-interest, a soupcon of quid pro quo, a whiff of backhander: in which case, crack on you useless, crooked bunch of bellends.
  15. Seems like good timing for joining New Model Army. Apparently the bass player is leaving

    New Model Army