Jocks stole King Arthurs table

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by sunnoficarus, Aug 26, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. It's more likely to be a ye ancient table for weighing out scag, and buckfast.
     
  2. There was no King Arthur. Scottish archaeologists are obviously ******* solid.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. If this is true then that makes the place Camelot?

    Which as we all know is "a very silly place" so they can keep it.

     
    • Like Like x 2
  4. What! The bastards stole him too!
     
  5. Come on, what do you expect from a bunch of unwashed sweaty socks- they're only one rung up the evolutionary ladder from pikies. (I ******* hate pikies)
     
  6. King Arthur was born at Dumbarton allegely.
     
  7. What!?...you'll be saying there's no ******* tooth fairies next!....I really worry about you modern thinker types!!
     
  8. [SIZE=+1][9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=-1][MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the two PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.] [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=-1][A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.][/SIZE]
    ARTHUR: Hello.
    MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
    ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
    MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
    ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
    MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
    ARTHUR: What?
    GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
    [SIZE=-1][They are stunned.][/SIZE]
    ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
    MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice
    [SIZE=-1][CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER turns to some others.][/SIZE]
    MAN: I told him we already got one.
    [SIZE=-1][They all giggle.][/SIZE]
    ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?
    MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
    ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
    MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
    GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
    MAN: Mind your own business.
    ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
    [SIZE=-1][Murmurs of assent.][/SIZE]
    MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.
    [SIZE=-1][He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.][/SIZE]
    GALAHAD: What a strange person.
    ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
    MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
    GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
    MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
     
  9. The Porridge Wogs are having you on, the table is quite safe!! My countrymen have it, hidden in a church at Trehorenteuc (Foret de Brocéliande), together with the Holy Grail and Excalibur. Likewise they are caring for La Fontaine de Barenton, Miroir aux fées and Merlin's Tomb.
     
  10. If you Froggies have the thing, I suppose you had better keep it now. It is no doubt covered in red wine stains, reeking of garlic, and smeared with rancid olive oil.
     
  11. Keep it all! Filthy Celt scum him and the lot of you!
     
  12. And German spunk!
     
  13. Schnell mi der Tisch Helmut, meine Froggie bint ist gegagging fur pimmel.