Jobs for dwarves

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LankyPullThrough, Jun 11, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. It all began with a hotel room. I was looking between my outstretched feet at the fridge, one of those little ones that fit under the dressing table. Most of you will have seen them: they are only allowed to contain grossly over-priced cans of drink, minatures and the world's most expensive Mars bars.

    How irksome, I thought, to have to cross the box of the hotel room to open the fridge myself. Especially as it is usually a pointless journey resulting in an indignant slam of the half-size door and a muttered, 'I am NOT paying that for a....whatever!'. It then occurred to me that here was a hitherto unexploited employment opportunity.

    Five star hotel rooms could come with their own dwarf on fridge duty. The little fella's job would be nothing less than to stand by the fridge and open the door at your command. Why, he could even extract things for hotel guests and trot up to them with his offerings before receiving a pat on the head and resuming his station.

    The oompahlumpahs so employed could be kitted out with little liveried outfits to add to the dignity of their role. Persoanlly, I would favour bearskins and red tunics and a DP rifle so they could engage in a bit of drill. You could even have one either side of the fridge as it were their own minature Buck House.

    This wave of genius led me to wonder if there were any other little jobs about the home or workplace that could lend purpose and meaning to these little fellas' lives. Can the ranks of Arrse suggest any?

    Still on the fridge theme, I thought full-size appliances could have a dwarf inside. Kitted out in Arctic smock and armed with a Maglite you could disconnect the normal light. Upon opening the fridge door, dwarf could challenge with half of password, only switching on his torch if friend thereby identified. Identification of a foe would have the following actions on: dwarf launches himself at the throat of the impostor offering protection, at the cost of his life if need be, to your tinnies from human predators (also known as 'friends and family').

    What a ball-ache to have to open your own pedal bin. Why not place an up-turned bucket next to it with a poised dwarf? At the shout, 'Red on, Green on, GOOOOO!' these stunt-dwarfs could leap high in the air to give them the landing velocity necessary to hit the bin pedal with enough force to open it.

    Any other suggestions welcome. Also applications from suitably qualified dwarves (must be clean and of smart appearance) interested in employment in these capacities. Particularly hardy little critters to be trained as dog chews.
  2. they could be cock inspectors for really fat people just stand under them and tell them if it's still there. or perhaps used as a tampax for elephants
  3. Four dwarves and a large piece of board lashed to the side of your wagon and you have a self assembly, mobile table that won't sink at the slightest hint of moisture in the ground!
  4. pubic hair stylists :?: :?: :?: :?:
  5. Not a good idea...give it 5 minutes, and the MOD would have them re-roled as midgets....making the fridge door opening and pedal bin opening training irrelevant......
  6. Upon Death, a Garden gnome when rigor mortis has set in.
  7. door ding repair crew to clean up after the door ding gnomes... fatherless swines
  8. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Politicians - at least the bunch leading us at present are all dwarves. :cry:
  9. Retarted dwarves, their not big and their not clever..............................................................................................................................................................................

    I'll get my coat.... not even a dustball in sight for that one!
  10. 1. how about demo troop for judging distance lessons? 100m 200m 300m ...etc..

    I would be quicker for them to double in when you finish the lesson, as they wouldn't have go go all the way out, thus saving on training time!

    Hey Presto!!!

    2. Also good for digging trenches as they won't have to bend down as much as they are closer to the ground.
  11. A good idea, but sadly they'd have very limited capability due to their stubby little arms. Maybe dwarf sized JCBs to help them? The dwarf vehicles would also have a much smaller silhouette than a full-sized person's digger.

    Actually, we can take this even further. Do you think we could have Dwarf sized Challengers built?
  12. Actually, we can take this even further. Do you think we could have Dwarf sized Challengers built?[/quote]

    I think they have them near us outside Tesco's, Pop in your £1 and away you go rocking backwards and forwards, limited mobility though!!

    they also have a post office van with some ginger bloke in blue moulded in there.
  13. amour_de_moutons are you of mixed French/Welsh parentage?
  14. Sadly not, I wanted "l'amour_de_chèvre", but l' isn't recognised and neither is è. I was hoping that amour_de_moutons would make me look cultured, in an ARRSE sort of way.

    Black Maskers, are you suggesting that we use the dwarves as a sort of Home Guard? We could have them stationed around all the Supermarkets ready to deploy; just in case some paratroops decided to drop by.
  15. For re-enforcing the RHF or whatever Bn SCOTS they are called now.