Job opportunity - Im thinking of opening a new office

#1
Having see the BBC today and with the current state of the market down my neck of the woods I thought I might set up a new office and combine a tour with my day job.

I've already pencilled Reni in for customer relations manager :lol: , but will be looking for other people to join me in this new venture. Please apply on here stating your experience and aptitude for the job you are seeking :wink:
 
#2
I'm a lazy, corrupt apparatchik with a penchant for small boys and numerous contacts in the drugs trade. I already have Swiss bank accounts set up via an intricate web of holding companies and false fronts.

I could be your cultural liaison..
 
#4
I would like to be the Equality/Diversity guru of the Human Resources department.

No fcuking women working directly in the Office. No men having to work harder to cover for slappers who cant keep their knees together. No work hours lost due to bone headed egg carriers talking about fcuking SuBo or Jordan. It will be a blokey enviroment in which we can talk about women any way we like. It will be run on the lines of the CID office in Life on Mars, the token women, the receptionist, may enter so we can look at her tits and arse while she brings us tea and biscuits. Once that's done she can fcuk off.

Diversity will not be an issue. We will employ anyone. As long as they are not fat. I cant stand fcuking fat bloaters in the office stinking like a week old burger. The company will have a stated aim to employ ethnic minorities, namely one chinese man and one indian man who both must have relatives who own a takeaway. This is only to enable all of us to get cheap scoff after the piss up after work every Friday. We will employ a handicapped person to answer the phones, that will keep the pro mong lobby happy and give us someone to taunt as well.

Sensitivity Training wil be covered. Anyone with a greivance will mill with a six foot paratrooper we will keep chained in the basement like Mongo from Blazing Saddles.
 
#6
smartascarrots said:
I'm a lazy, corrupt apparatchik with a penchant for small boys and numerous contacts in the drugs trade. I already have Swiss bank accounts set up via an intricate web of holding companies and false fronts.
Wont your fellow MPs notice your absence from Parliament?
 
#7
Ancient_Mariner said:
smartascarrots said:
I'm a lazy, corrupt apparatchik with a penchant for small boys and numerous contacts in the drugs trade. I already have Swiss bank accounts set up via an intricate web of holding companies and false fronts.
Wont your fellow MPs notice your absence from Parliament?
I doubt it, they are never there either
 

Auld-Yin

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#8
I have loads of "Ahem" Training Materials. both in magazine (oops) written form and on DVD.

Can I be the Training Officer?
 
#9
I'll be the fat sweaty bloke,the one that no-one quite knows what he does,with the shirt I've had on the go for three days,you know the one with yesterday's breakfast on it,the nylon tie that's slightly fraying at the end,with the plastic Woolworths belt that I've had to make extra holes in,standing by the choccy vending machine,having my own fantasy about the girls going by.

Especially that one from accounts.She's a proper tease,all teeth and tits,micro mini skirts,knee length white socks,always accidently dropping things just in front of me and having to slowly bend over to pick it up,then as she looks over her shoulder at me,tosses her raven black hair away with a deft movement of her head.
I could give her something else to do with her head.Her time will come.
And as for that one in HR..........
 
#10
Auld-Yin said:
I have loads of "Ahem" Training Materials. both in magazine (oops) written form and on DVD.

Can I be the Training Officer?
I will have to ,ahem, vet the training materials fist to make sure they are of a suitable standard. Can you forward them on? :twisted:
 
#11
I would like to apply for a managerial position in the Sales department, I have found that small teams cold-calling at 3 in the morning at the foot of potential customers beds produces splendid results giving them a 100% desire for our product and develops a loyalty base that is the envy of many Blue-chip companies.

I would also be quite happy to include Police liaison Representitive within my remit, I play golf and have my own brown envelopes.

Edited to get a better wage.
 
#12
Can I be the legal department?

I will charge a fortune for telephone calls and letters and restrict each letter to only one question or statement so the bills will soon rack up and i will take months to do even the simplest things hence more time charges.

Oh by the way this application post has just cost you £40. One "Unit" to think about the post and one to dictate it to my secretary.
 
#14
Advisor role with general Jackson and my thesis team please, we demand 500000 a year each and we will advise and debate before you do anything, we bring the finest brains in the country to your firm
 

Auld-Yin

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#16
oldcolt said:
Auld-Yin said:
I have loads of "Ahem" Training Materials. both in magazine (oops) written form and on DVD.

Can I be the Training Officer?
I will have to ,ahem, vet the training materials fist to make sure they are of a suitable standard. Can you forward them on? :twisted:
I am afraid not OC (see you are already the boss), these items are the tools of my trade and I could not part with them. However, I am quite prepared to produce training materials for use in "The Office" if you provide suitable staff and training aids.
 
#17
thestoat said:
Advisor role with general Jackson and my thesis team please, we demand 500000 a year each and we will advise and debate before you do anything, we bring the finest brains in the country to your firm
Are we talking about ("I suggest we go this way Sir") General Jackson that was shot and killed by one of his own sentries?
 
#18
If I can be arrsed to get out of bed I may saunter into the office once or twice a week to chat up the secretaries (so please, no munters).

I thought Head of Productivity might suit.
 
#19
Markintime said:
If I can be arrsed to get out of bed I may saunter into the office once or twice a week to chat up the secretaries (so please, no munters).

I thought Head of Productivity might suit.
Or given its real title

Sales Director
 

Ravers

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#20
Property investment in Afghanistan?

Tourism in Iraq is the way forward. That's where my money is being firmly placed.

No seriously, think how many people go on holiday to Vietnam, Cambodia and Croatia now, this would've been completely unheard of 10-15 years ago.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8352234.stm

Edited to add: Oh wait sorry, just saw this is the Naafi.......er...... I will be opening a brothel in Baghdad........er........with goats that you can fcuk as well as women.........er.......and camels and....er......stuff.
 

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