Last night saw me drinking reasonably heavily and catching up with some pals from my time in the forces. I stuck mainly to lager until it was running warm, then against my will someone forced an ice cold pint of Guiness in my mit. I've never been a fan, it looks warm and chewy and does nothing for me. After necking one I recall remarking on how easily it went down before proceeding to drink with my oppo until I couldn't lay on the pavement without holding on. I got up this morning, made my excuses and left with a hangover that would kill a Rodney...... drove back to Gods county and set about my working day. A stomach rumbling ache has been with me all day and I've had the usual post boozy do fear of trumping. I must have been pulling faces as the frau asked me if I was chewing a small stone or just trying to frighten the plaster off the walls. A couple of hours ago I picked up a magazine and wandered to my chambers to survey my kingdom. Sitting on the throne I began to relax and that familiar feeling of absolute pleasure coupled with that eye and cheek twitch let me know that this was going to be a magical experience. My symptons were in check, I laid a beautiful 4lbs black pudding. Perfectly formed, tapered symetrically at both ends.... I recalled thinking how glad I was that it tapered, if my butt cheeks had given it a clean crimp they would have come slapping together with the sound of a minor explosion. I sat there in a trance, and in total fear of turning round, in case the fcuker grabbed me and took me to ocean with him. There was barely a need to wipe, just a tiny amount of moist musk, not even a crayon mark. I kept hold of the paper in my right hand and pulled my pants up with the other... I left my trophy in the bottom of the pan and called the frau upstairs....... I was so excited she thought I'd won something...... when she saw it I got a big right hand to the shoulder and was called a 'filthy vile monster unfit to be out alone' I burst out laughing and asked her if she wanted to cuddle him before I set him free. She left the room physically gagging Its an absolute shame that every toilet experience isn't like that, I'd give up w@nking and spend my days drinking guiness and laying big black cables.