Jesus. Bluffer or Messiah - Discuss

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by The-Lord-Flasheart, Apr 13, 2009.

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  1. Ok, its Easter. Traditionally a time of hiding lots of eggs around the garden in the hope of enticing small children in to your garden.

    The TV is full of Jesus freaks gobbing off about whether he was the son of God or just a very naughty boy.

    The Facts;

    1. His mum was a 'virgin'. (Yeah, fucking right!)
    2. He spent 30 years gobbing off and doing magic and shit
    3. The Romans nailed him to a cross for being a radical

    The Fiction;

    1. He was the son of God
    2. He 'cured' a shit load of spakkas
    3. He raised himself from the dead

    Ok, couple of questions. Apparently, God send his son to Earth because his creation; the humans had become a bit naughty and had basically taken the piss since he'd created them. Now, if God was so fucking clever, he'd have done a bit better than send a pacifist sandal wearing hippy to Earth wouldn't he? And more so, some weed who'd blub at being nailed to a cross? Surely if there was a God and he was a bit annoyed at man kind, he'd send a 300' Cyborg with laser firing eyeballs and a head that shot frikin rockets?

    Just what the fuck was he trying to prove? That humans were a bunch of cunts? Humans inhumanity to humans? Err, sorry but if you're the TPO that designed a flawed project, you're the chap that takes the rap. Ergo; God's the chap at fault. If I was the TPO that designed and brought in a rocket that exploded on firing and killed the operator then I'd quite rightly be the bloke that took the rap and got the sack. I very much doubt humanity would build a crap load of buildings in my name would they? Conclusion; Gods a con artist. If not, religion is a con.

    Let me put this in to context. Not too long ago, I was in Jerusalem. I did the usual tourist blurb of going around the usual sites. The Church of the Holy Sepulchre (the supposed place of Christs crusifiction and tomb), the Western Wall (Jewish Wailing wall. The nearest place Jews feel they can get to their old temples) and the Dome of the Rock (the second most sacred Islamic place. And funnily enough, built on the site of the Jewish old Temples...hence the Jews Wailing Wall). Having spent quite a bit of time at these very holy places, I came to one conclusion. What a load of bollocks religion is. It's akin to small boys being a part of a gang. Most people who visit Old Jerusalem have some sort of spiritual visitation. I just wanted to knock out a nun.

    I feel it's just mass compliance and a huge con trick. So, with that in mind, why has the human race placed such a massive amount of its time in all this crap? Does modern society have room for all this poppycock?

    Here endeth the lesson....
     
  2. Just got back from Midnight Mass didn't ya, Hey ??

    I take it your Sermon didn't go down too well then Father Flashy !
     
  3. It's also an excellent excuse to get other people to kill people you don't like and to generally control them, I mean it sounds better if an order comes from God doesn't it?
     
  4. exactly, religion is just an outdated tool used to control the masses by fear.
     
  5. If I was to turn up today and spout some of the stuff they come out with I'd be locked up as some sort of looney.

    Walking on water, Raising the dead and I'm sure customs and excise would have something to say about the water to wine routine.

    Just because it's got a bit of history, it's not all above board.
    Start a religion this week and you're denounced as a cult weirdo trying to manipulate people.

    Join the Catholic faith like Mr Blair and that's just fine then.
    Donate some money to people who cover up Paedo rings.

    Now then Church of Scientology is where it's at Tom Cruise can't be wrong he's made some great films.

    ARRSE !
     
  6. Lucky for him it was a Bank Holiday Monday, otherwise none of his mates would have been free to roll away the stone. Great timing, Jesus-fella.
     
  7. A History Lesson

    No doubt Jeezy Creezy existed but the truth is that he was just one of hundreds of wandering charlatans, hopping around the holy lands spreading the word of God (or Dog to the dyslexics).

    And it wasn't until the 5th Century AD (That's when the big hand and little hands are lined up - or for officers, when big Mickey's legs are hidden behind little Mickey) that a bunch of geezers all got together and said "Look, God isn;t doing too well in the popularity stakes and the human beans are getting a bit pi55ed off with him - he needs a kiddie with a good story so we can use him to control the masses". So they had all these wandering minstrels to choose from, so they chose the one who would look best in piccies and would transfer easiest to fake shrouds. Much harrumphing later and the presses went to print.

    But they obviously chose the mongiest author on the planet to scribe the tale. Everyone and I mean everyone, knows that all stories need a beginning, a middle and an end. What sort of a story goes JC is born and 5 minutes later he's 33 years old and legging it up Calvary, carrying his own cross. What the fcuk is that all about?- "Oh, I see, you want me to carry my own cross all the way up that hill so you can nail me to it"....pause for effect and mock thoughts...."How does fcuk off you big nosed Roman cnut sound?"

    Another thing, what do the words of that song mean:

    "There is a green hill far away WITHOUT a city wall"

    How many green hills do you know that do have a city wall all of their own?

    But to stick with tradition, we must all sing that song at some point today.

    "There is a green hill far away WITHOUT a city wall
    Where our dear Lord was crucified, he died to save us all....
    2...
    3...
    For he's a jolly good fellow"
    :D
     
  8. It is an interesting moral code though, at a time when the Jews and others, especially the Romans live very badly, setting poor examples to those they commanded.

    And when I was doing my school thingy many years ago, we did not have the shit we have now is thos once great country . . . . . :x
     
  9. 5 ft 9 hes devine
    changes water into wine
    has anybody seen JC......JC JC JC
    He's so smart, he's so cool,
    He'll walk across your swimming pool
    Five little loaves, two little fish,
    Feed five thousand, piece of pi**
    Virgin Mary, she's the most,
    She got bonked by the holy ghost
    Has anybody seen JC,JC,JC, JC
    Not since Easter Sunday, riding on a donkey
    Has anybody seen JC?
    He's so smart, he's so neat.
    He's got holes in both his feet.
    Has anybody seen J.C.
    Here's a guy we all like.
    But his real names David Ike (topical at the time)
    Has anybody seen J.C.
    He's so cool he is fine
    he plays left quarter back for Palestine
    He is great the cheques in the post
    his mum got shagged by the holly ghost
    has anyone seen JC JC JC
     
  10. Anyway, I hope you have all had a


    HAPPY IMPLAUSIBLE RESURRECTION FESTIVAL!



    Its called Eostre, a pagan fertility festival hijacked by christianity, cos they couldnt even be bothered creating their own event!!!

    Robbing bast*rds.
     
  11. Let's see.

    Spent his time in Israel teaching a simple message (love God, love everyone else) and got a big enough reputation and following to get himself hated by the powers that be, then killed. A bluffer would have pulled out at the point where things got a bit too hairy.

    So not a bluffer. Leaves either someone a bit looney or someone very special. Looniness is easily seen, and even if he was a convincing looney his followers would have realised and quit after his crucifixion. But they didn't - they went on, with no prospect of power or gain (that came later), and spread the message Jesus had preached, and witnesses to Jesus life convinced many many more to live by the message of love God, love others.

    That leaves Jesus being someone very special. You can call him Messiah or whatever. Virgin birth, Son of God, resurrection, heaven, etc., are matters of faith.

    Religions and all that go with them are different, and harder to defend. Too often they have moved away from the message of Jesus - I can't argue with that.

    And without in the context of "there is a green hill" means outside. And yes, he was a jolly good fellow
     
  12. A story that's been heavily censored. When the wandering mistrels auditioned for the bible there were a lot of songs deemed unfit for publication. Especially the stories concerning Jesus' childhood.

    Those stories depict our juvenile lord as a bit a of a chav. Had he lived nowadays he probably would have been given an ASBO pronto. He was known during his childhood years as "that big fat bully on the block" frequently killing off his friends and resurrecting them. Much to the distress of all parents - including Mary and Joseph.

    My favourite story is the one in which Jesus' friends are fed up with his bullying and don't want to play with him anymore. Little Jesus goes round his friends houses but their mothers tell him the kids are not at home. Cunningly the kids have hidden themselves in their parents' ovens. Jesus - having the 1.0 beta version laser eyes - can't quite work out what's in the ovens and asks what the mothers have in there. "Spit roast". Jesus whishes them bon appetit. After Jesus has gone home the mothers open their ovens to tell the kids all's clear just to find a nice tasty spit roast. No kiddies.

    Jesus didn't just turn water into wine, but also kids into roasted pigglets. Needless to say Mary was quite chuffed over this and ordered Jesus to undo his doings. Which he duly did.

    These stories were still popular during the Middle Ages. Unfortunuatly the church used all their profane powers to weed them out where possible to brush up Jesus' image. It would have been safer to have your nippers play with jon venables and Robert Thompson than with little Jesus. Since our lord and saviour needed to be pictured purer than a white lamb in mint and orange sauce these tell tale signs of his true nature didn't make it in the book.

    Bad drills though for not filling in the gap years. I'll give you that.
     
  13. 'He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!'

    Monty Python's Life of Brian should be compulsory viewing in every school before any RE syllabus. Might give them a grown up perspective of all of those silly Judaeo-Christian fairy stories the churches peddle.

    Anyway, before Emperor Constantine, its all spin. Christianity was a crumbling Roman Empire's attempts to cling to power. The clue is in the titles, Holy Roman Empire and the Church of Rome.

    Ergo Religion=imperial oppression. Surely JC, if he ever existed wasn't too keen on this?

    But the Romans put a subtle spin on it. JC allegedly said: Pay unto Caesar what is due to him. Or put another way, PAY YOUR TAXES. DO AS YOUR TOLD. SHUT THE FCUK UP!

    'What have the Romans ever done for us?'
     
  14. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. I wear a red wolly jumper every Easter to represent the blood of Jesus Christ.

    Any one who has a problem with that can suck my c ock.