Jehovah comes aknockin

Fugly

LE
DirtyBAT
#1
I am fairly tolerant, in that i believe what i believe, and i respect what the person next to me believes, even if it differs from my own view.

PC nutters are going to go mad with this.

The doorbell rang today. Answered the door, and was greeted by a couple of middle-aged women, looking very happy and well turned out. I greeted them, and was obviously hit by the intro to have a look at their publication etc.... what did i think about the terrorist threat etc.......

It must have been about 10 minutes later (after they peddled complete religious shite) when i said "Well i'm in the Army, so is everyone else living in this estate, and i can't see anyone here signing up to a religion which doesnt allow blood transfusions for a start. Ive just got back from Iraq, and half the estate is either over there or in Afghanistan. If i got hit over there, why would i deny myself the right to stay alive over some stupid belief?"

They left fairly sharpish, suprise suprise.



I have no problem with any religion, unless they knock on my door and ask me to join them - that just makes me hate them more.
 

Nehustan

On ROPS
On ROPs
#2
Last time the Jehovah's witnesses came a knocking on my door I made them (and their son) a cup of tea, reached down my bible and compared notes on the kingdom to come. Wife was a bit miffed tho'.
 
#3
It's an absolute hoot to see people who,having passed the "No Trespassing" sign at the begining of the drive and the" Remain in your vehicle, Guard Dogs loose" halfway up,are backed up against their car with a pair of german shepheards trying to decide which limb to start snacking on.They seldom return.
 
#4
Send them to me. I have lots of spare time.

Yours,

Yusuf Islam.
 
#5
Some Jehovas' witnesses interupted me once while I was landscape gardening. They dont bother me now, make good foundations actually, I invited them in for a cuppa then beat them over the head with a spade and put them under my new patio. Not too worried about the police, they have no witnesses :wink:
 

Nehustan

On ROPS
On ROPs
#6
call_me_jack said:
Some Jehovas' witnesses interupted me once while I was landscape gardening. They dont bother me now, make good foundations actually, I invited them in for a cuppa then beat them over the head with a spade and put them under my new patio. Not too worried about the police, they have no witnesses :wink:
Bit of an aside but did you hear that Rosemary West is going to be released?
 
#7
when I was younger, not family-ed up, I used to tell mormons and JWs that I was a Catholic ordinand. That made them split sharpish...
 
#8
Religion is a dish best eaten in private.

Summer of '98.I'm sitting in my apartment minding my own business when the doorbell rings.I open the door expecting to see the landlord come to complain about the loudness which I've been playing my porno tapes ( a couple of my neighbours had lodged a complaint the day before.)

Instead I come face to face with a very pretty lady standing on my doorstop.She introduces herself as Nikita and I can immediately tell she is Russian.She has a bike leaning on the wall and since I live two floors up, I briefly wonder how she got it up the stairs.

She says she is a Jehova's witness and can she come in and share the "word" with me and Mrs Devil Dog?I quickly assure her that I haven't seen my missus since the day she ran off with the postman a few weeks prior.

She comes in,takes a seat and promptly launches into a long discourse about the merits of being born again.She then asks for a glass of water.Since I don't have any clean glasses I decide to run down to the store to procure bottled water.

At the store ,it suddenly occurs to me that I have been practising involuntary celibacy for the last week or so and this might be an excellent opportunity to remedy the situation.I wrestle with the thought for a minute or two then finally decide that the opportunity to feck a Russian does not present itself very often so instead of buying water I end up getting a six pack of beer and a box of condoms.

I walk into the apartment to find dear Nikita had made herself comfortable and was at that moment familiarising herself with my extensive collection of "girls gone wild" DVDs.She looks at me and tells me I'm such a "naughty" boy and the look she gives me tells me life is about to take a dramatic turn.

She ended up staying with me for the weekend and boy what a weekend it was.She did the dishes,washed me meagre laundry and assuaged my sexual appetite like no other has done since.

The following Monday,I got a letter in the mail telling me I had 30 days to vacate the premises because my presence there was deemed "unsuitable" for the spiritual welfare of the children living across the hall from me.

Since then, I've always had a "hard" spot for Jehova Witnesses.You never know the blessings they might bring when you open your door for them.Especially when they open their legs for you. :)
 

Nehustan

On ROPS
On ROPs
#9
Nehustan said:
call_me_jack said:
Some Jehovas' witnesses interupted me once while I was landscape gardening. They dont bother me now, make good foundations actually, I invited them in for a cuppa then beat them over the head with a spade and put them under my new patio. Not too worried about the police, they have no witnesses :wink:
Bit of an aside but did you hear that Rosemary West is going to be released?
Yep as I heard it she was let out on day release and the judge that passed sentence took her out for a meal!!!!
 
#10
As a relatively new poster I'd like to just clarify whether Devil Dog here commonly inserts random sexual fantasies into threads? It was the bit about the JW being Russian wot gave it away.

Maybe I should start a thread entitled "What's the biggest object you've ever considered using as an anal vibrator" just to see what he comes up with...
 
#11
spack_bandit said:
As a relatively new poster I'd like to just clarify whether Devil Dog here commonly inserts random sexual fantasies into threads? It was the bit about the JW being Russian wot gave it away.

Maybe I should start a thread entitled "What's the biggest object you've ever considered using as an anal vibrator" just to see what he comes up with...

Oh there is some of those running around.

Summer of '97.I'd just finished a six year stint at the local jail where I'd been locked up for driving an icepick into some bonehead who had dared question my word.

Peniless, homeless but mostly horny, I decide to head out to the spot where I had buried a bullion of gold that the mafia had entrusted to me for safekeeping....

Then I ran into Mrs Spack Bandit who was using a two foot anal vibrator on herself.I considered using it but said nah....
 

Nehustan

On ROPS
On ROPs
#12
Nehustan said:
Nehustan said:
call_me_jack said:
Some Jehovas' witnesses interupted me once while I was landscape gardening. They dont bother me now, make good foundations actually, I invited them in for a cuppa then beat them over the head with a spade and put them under my new patio. Not too worried about the police, they have no witnesses :wink:
Bit of an aside but did you hear that Rosemary West is going to be released?
Yep as I heard it she was let out on day release and the judge that passed sentence took her out for a meal!!!!
He was heard to ask at the table 'Shall we crack a bottle of champagne'. To which Rosemary replied 'No, not my style but I could murder a couple of tennents.'
 
#13
Nehustan said:
Nehustan said:
Nehustan said:
call_me_jack said:
Some Jehovas' witnesses interupted me once while I was landscape gardening. They dont bother me now, make good foundations actually, I invited them in for a cuppa then beat them over the head with a spade and put them under my new patio. Not too worried about the police, they have no witnesses :wink:
Bit of an aside but did you hear that Rosemary West is going to be released?
Yep as I heard it she was let out on day release and the judge that passed sentence took her out for a meal!!!!
He was heard to ask at the table 'Shall we crack a bottle of champagne'. To which Rosemary replied 'No, not my style but I could murder a couple of tennents.'
Classic! Good effort keep it up folks, sat in office laughing out loud
 
#15
The one and only time the JW's came knokcing on my door I nealry pulled it of its hinges and bellowed "FUCK OFF" in their faces. Never bothered me again
 
#16
Reminds me of a pal of mine who got a visit from two of these punters while living in a MQ at Netheravon a while back. He's a very bright guy indeed, degree in politics from the OU whilst serving as the ARSO FFS! He's a committed atheist (it's on his ID discs!) but intrigued about religion and has studied the subject in depth. Anyway, the two suits turn up at his front door and introduce themselves and the purpose of their visit. There's sod-all on the box and his wife's out so he invites them in for a chat and a brew.

Pretty soon after the introductions they launch into their spiel and start talking about God, big mistake. It was just the opening he was waiting for and he starts contradicting everything they say and quizzing them on some of the more peculiar bits of the Bible. Turns out they're not quite as informed on the subject as they thought, he runs rings around them philosophically, theologically and probably geographically as well. In the end, after about three hours that is, they're trying to escape out the doorwhile he's insisting they stay for more tea and conversation.

They've never been back! :D
 
#17
My (rather deaf) grandad's reaction to JW's at the door was to yell, in the way only a partially deaf 96 year-old can, "I'VE GOT A PAN ON"!!

He'd then phone my mum and tell her they were on the way round!!
 
#18
Devil_Dog said:
spack_bandit said:
As a relatively new poster I'd like to just clarify whether Devil Dog here commonly inserts random sexual fantasies into threads? It was the bit about the JW being Russian wot gave it away.

Maybe I should start a thread entitled "What's the biggest object you've ever considered using as an anal vibrator" just to see what he comes up with...

Oh there is some of those running around.

Summer of '97.I'd just finished a six year stint at the local jail where I'd been locked up for driving an icepick into some bonehead who had dared question my word.

Peniless, homeless but mostly horny, I decide to head out to the spot where I had buried a bullion of gold that the mafia had entrusted to me for safekeeping....

Then I ran into Mrs Spack Bandit who was using a two foot anal vibrator on herself.I considered using it but said nah....
Just one more please, I'm nearly there.
 
#19
I have a large picture on the glass part of my front door, (the one below) and "While the herd trudges around in circles, the Satanist flies straight to the source." as a quote.



The other signs say "I bite...HARD" and "I am my own god."
generally discourages.....well.....everyone really :roll: Failing that if they are stupid enough to knock they get told to 'fcuk off".



Edited because that bloody pic wouldn't load
 
#20
During the late stages of divorce I was around at the Ex's place with the kids whilst she went out . Mormons arrived and I let them in , took their first lesson and a copy of the book of Mormon.
Knowing full well that in a few days I would be on the other side of the country .
Gave them the home phone number and her mobile number . Made it very clear to them that not only was I very interested in what they had to say but that I was sure that my "wife" would be too. apparently they kept coming around weekly for months and months , first looking for me and then attempting to redeem her.
Even after she moved they found her again (wonder how that happened).
 

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