James Bond resigns from MI5 citing ‘too much paperwork’

#1
James Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI6, citing excessive paperwork, political correctness and boring villain’s lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

‘When I started out as a hired killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to take out anyone I liked. I fought the real super-villains, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like – most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied. But the assassination of Osama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.

‘First, the paperwork: all the forms, presidential and prime minister approval. How can I kill evil henchmen when I first have to take a photograph and submit it on a complex web form along with a justification, then wait for three levels or approval? Some of the places I have to go don’t have decent network connectivity!

‘Secondly, the lairs. No volcanoes, no space stations. Run-down compounds in suburban towns with no decent nightlife, and not a monorail in sight! Where is the excitement in killing people in backwater suburbs when you have to walk around once you get there?

‘Finally, the women. It’s not just that that in today’s conflict zones they wear burkas and adultery is punished by stoning – it’s that it’s really hard to get your end up when you know that it’s not just Obama and Cameron watching you on your headcam, but Hilary Clinton is watching too. She keeps giving me instructions to the headset about effective foreplay. I am a spy trying to save the world – I don’t have time for foreplay! It was better when her husband was in charge, believe me!’
 
#2
only problem is he never worked for MI5 he was an MI6 officer

you know assuming he was real and not a fictional person
 
#3
Would you like me to edit it? Assuming this is a factual piece and not fictional? :)
 
#5
Another case solved by...


The Pedant's Patrol!!

 
#7
awesome do I get a badge and a gun?
Only if you refer to them as your identification card and your 9mm semi-automatic pistol.
 
#8
Only if you refer to them as your identification card and your 9mm semi-automatic pistol.
its a deal, can I claim to have a licence to maim? I'm not a great shot
 
#9
its a deal, can I claim to have a licence to maim? I'm not a great shot
Try holding your gun sideways. I've seen it in films. Or follow the advice Tinman74 gave someone earlier - get yourself an SA80 and fire it from the left on full auto.

Someone's bound to get maimed that way.
 
#11
"its a deal, can I claim to have a licence to maim? I'm not a great shot"


Is this like a license to wound then have to go over and smash his head in with the butt of your gun to put him out of his misery....type thing?
 
#12
To be officially accurate it's SIS not MI6 and I sympathise with Mr Bond's dilemma.


Imagine all the fucking Risk Assessments....
 
#13
Try holding your gun sideways. I've seen it in films. Or follow the advice Tinman74 gave someone earlier - get yourself an SA80 and fire it from the left on full auto.

Someone's bound to get maimed that way.
I quite like my jaw unbroken
 
#15
thats what moneypenny is for
 
#16
Do ya know I have never seen James do any paperwork ever...
I heard an urban myth that in the DVD extras, you get to see him trying to get an FMT600 after 5pm on a friday.
 
#17
tbf mi6 is now called mi6 offically
when the pm calls you mi6 guess your mi6 now
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
#19
James Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI6, citing excessive paperwork, political correctness and boring villain’s lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

‘When I started out as a hired killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to take out anyone I liked. I fought the real super-villains, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like – most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied. But the assassination of Osama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.

‘First, the paperwork: all the forms, presidential and prime minister approval. How can I kill evil henchmen when I first have to take a photograph and submit it on a complex web form along with a justification, then wait for three levels or approval? Some of the places I have to go don’t have decent network connectivity!

‘Secondly, the lairs. No volcanoes, no space stations. Run-down compounds in suburban towns with no decent nightlife, and not a monorail in sight! Where is the excitement in killing people in backwater suburbs when you have to walk around once you get there?

‘Finally, the women. It’s not just that that in today’s conflict zones they wear burkas and adultery is punished by stoning – it’s that it’s really hard to get your end up when you know that it’s not just Obama and Cameron watching you on your headcam, but Hilary Clinton is watching too. She keeps giving me instructions to the headset about effective foreplay. I am a spy trying to save the world – I don’t have time for foreplay! It was better when her husband was in charge, believe me!’
Do we have a section for cut and pasted stuff?
 
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