James Bond or hilarious tale of b***, you decide!

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by donkeoghtee, Oct 3, 2006.

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  1. Attn!
    Here’s one that’ll make you laugh! Or not..
    My question is at the end so stick with it people..

    Setting the scene: this is a guy that was/is making my life a total misery [ ‘cos he fancied my missus and he was trying to muscle in on her whilst she stayed at his empty house during our separation, and he was getting in the way of me seeing my children and patching things up, basically trying to get in there and lever me out.
    He found out I was in the Army many years ago and got a bit concerned for his safety, ahhh..bless ‘im, but decided to put the threateners on me by coming up with this excellent story to my missus knowing it would get back and scare me off, you with me?…ok there’s the scene, question at the end..

    He reckons he was involved with pulling a copper or two from a bombed out pub in Ireland, and then received special Police/ Army training as a result of his bravery, then went on special missions to war-torn Eastern Bloc countries extracting people from hazardous and explosive situations as part of an alleged covert government part time job with links to the Army.. inactive most of the time and lives a normal life with a normal job and active the other where upon he’s called to do his bit for the er…country, my partner uncovered some [probably planted] docs with multiple name changes all ending in some unpronounceable Eastern European surname, along with a travelogue type diary with a padlock which she pried open to find maps and diagrams and dates and name and etc, etc, …Oh and the fact that he told her he’s never risen to physically reacting to me when I’ve confronted him about his home wrecking game because ‘he’sbeen ‘trained to remain calm in such situations’?…..priceless…and the fact that he had an array of Military magazines around the house….not an MOD wannabe at all then!….

    Question 1..how do I expose this idiot in the most hilarious manner possible for the lunatic psycho that he is, simply for my own enjoyment and as payback for trashing my relationship with my kids, partner and generally screwing with my life?

    Question 2. how do I make it know to the relevant sources that he’s telling folks this bull***, and [this is fact] he actually does have legitimate but basic ties to the MOD as part of his employ in the civilian world he really lives in??

    Answers of any nature will be heartily appreciated!

    I could do with a laugh!

  2. Something along the line of Herr Arnie in "True Lies", perhaps? (though less septic, and on a budget...)
    In other words, make all the crap he is making up turn against him...
    Vandalise his car, writing an obscure Albanian or Serbian curse in the hood with your keys
    Get a couple of mates to call on him at unsociable hours, with unplausible excuses and acting "spooky"... earbuds-, sunglasses- wearing people in suits, knocking his door at 2300 and asking for directions, whether he would like a free subscription to a magazine etc.
    Hack into his computer, make havoc
    Subscribe him to Fenian newsletters, etc.
    Steal his mail, open it, then tape it up with sellotape and stamp it with a "scary" rubber stamp, in red ink. (e.g. "subject to Screening by the MOD", "checked by special branch"... the more scary or "official looking" the better)
    Get your local walts to loiter around his house in balaclavas, trench coats and bb guns
    and, lastly...
    Sodomize his pets, leaving small Ossetian flags at his door, as a visitng card.
    That would teach him...
    Home-wrecking walting is probably the lowest form of Walting...
  3. In answer to both your questions... someone should get the guy talking. Walts will always sound off given half a chance. One priceless example I can remember was in the pub listening to a fat walt wally in a denison smock explaining to a genuine member of the SAS (although he didn't know that) how the SAS killed people! However, I digress. Get someone to ply him with beer and get a few more details out of him. If he comes out with anything that can be checked out, such as a unit, get back to the ARRSE website and the likelihood is that someone will be able to help. Then you can think about putting some kind of humiliation scenario into action... I hope this will be of some hope. Good luck!

  4. smash the chav up.
  5. I'm both indebted and honoured by the response to my plight to userp this complete t***, I'm going to take all three replies, put em in the mix and hit 'spin'...I'm inclined to try to get unit info out of him [somehow] and coming back on here, get some low down on the muppet and seeing what he's 'really' made of...playdough probably....sweet justice will be mine...

    cheers all
  6. Unless of course he's genuine...And if he is, I'm sure he is delighted by your missus returning his hospitality by forcing open a locked diary to read it's contents....

    Did he ever give her one?
  7. Be a shame if he was telling the truth,you'd be in proper stuck then.This could be one windmill that you couldn't tilt at.

    Also keep an eye on your wife,she seems to like breaking into other people's belongings,just a thought.
  8. Beat me to it awol
  9. Nice avatar!
  10. She is well rounded,quite intelligent as well I'm told.
  11. C'mon DK, the acid test is simple, if anyone tells anybody they do this stuff, they're a lying sack of s**t.

    Out the walt...Get your missus to grab what she can of this 'evidence', scan it and post it here (sanitised of course). Check the signature block of any letters first, if they're signed by 'Sir Jackson' you may be on to him...

    This post will self-destruct in five, four, three, t....
  12. Lots of perfumed letters or explicit emails from a number of serbian women / men ?? saying how great it was to see him and that their children are still expecting the passports he promised them.

    If he denies it all he is exposed as a lying walt if he doesn't deny it then the ex knows him for a duplicitious shagging spy he isn't.
  13. Only answer to walts: