Jailed dads to send kids inside bedtime stories

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by johnboyzzz, Dec 18, 2008.

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  1. http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/latestnews/Jailed-dads-to-send-kids.4804272.jp

    Once upon a time there was a good little girl, who's daddy was sent away for a long time by an evil Queen.
    This good little girl used to send her Daddy all sorts of presents, like cakes with files in, industrial excavating equipment, and a map of the Edinburgh sewer system.
    While her daddy was away her Uncle Bob came round to visit an awful lot, but when Daddy came back he made Uncle Bob go away down a beanstalk.
    And once Mummy's eyes got better, they all lived happily ever after.

    So fellow NAAFI regulars, what would your story be?
  2. Once there was a rabbit called Peter, what nicked all the lettuce and that from a garden right in my manor. Me an Coney Phil laid up for 'im and give 'im a right hiding, glassed 'is tail for 'im and all. Long-eared slaaaaag.
  3. Once upon a time.......…there was a little Chav who lived in a shoebox with her unemployed mother and her seven brothers and sisters.
    Like many children, little Chav was forced to attend a mixed school.
    The girls at little Chav’s school were very mean, they teased her and called her the Ugly Chavling. But the boys were all very friendly and called her "Head" mistress.
    Even though she worked very hard behind the bicycle sheds, little Chav left school without an education and so had no other choice but to join the family business of claiming government handouts.
    Everything was hunky-dory in little Chav’s world until one day a nasty man knocked on the door and informed her mother that their benefits were being slashed.
    “Issnow good, luv,” shrilled her mother, “you’ll afta go art an git yerself a job.”
    And so the very next day little Chav went out and got herself a nose job.
    When she got home, little Chav’s mother took one look at her new nose and shrilled.
    “Effin ell, that ain’t gonna do us no good is it? Go art an git yerself a proppa job.”
    And so the next day little Chav went out and got herself a boob job.
    When she got home, little Chav’s mother took one look at her new boobs and shrilled.
    “Effin ell, that ain’t gonna do us no good is it? Go art an git yerself a proppa job or you’ll be workin the effin streets my girl.”
    And so the next day little Chav took off all of her clothes and paraded her augmented charms on a greased pole.
    Within hours a host of suitors had knocked upon her mother's door and little Chav wasted no time at all in selecting her one true love.
    That night, when she looked in the mirror, to her joy little Chav discovered she had turned into a wag and, bidding goodbye to her mother, set off to begin a new life in the Essex countryside.
    She lived ever after.
  4. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Genius. You should get published!
  5. We are assuming anyone in there can read ffs.

    'once upon a time there were three bears, all went well untill one day a young lass called 'Goldilocks*' got herself a shotgun and went postal on them. Instantly the government introduced legislation that prohibited the sale of shotguns to blonde children.
    The saddest part is the fur couldn't even be used for a decent hat let alone a coat.
    Goldilocks sucessfully sued the Bears estate for compensation over the mental anguish she suffered during the incident'

    *name changed to protect her identity
  6. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Once upon a time, in a dark, cold place, lived a man.

    The man who lived in this terrible place was not there by choice. He was a prisoner. He'd been put there by a nasty man who wore a dress and had a big beak. The man was put there for sumfink he didn't do by this beak.

    The man, a loving father, who never done nuffink, honest guv was kept in a dungeon with other men who'd always been good, and who missed their families too.

    Many of these men, REALLY missed their wives and the special cuddles they had . . . .
  7. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Once upon a time, two children called Hansel and Gretel went walking in the woods with a big bag full of sweets that they had been asked to look after by their much older mate Dave. Gretel was known all across the township as being a beautiful young girl whom many of the boys adored. Hansel had it on good authority, from at least six of his friends (including Dave), that she put out for half on a cig, and was intending to use this "little stroll" to "parade his little soldier".

    They soon realised that the deep, dark forest would be easy to get lost in. Hansel suggested that they mark their route back by dropping a trail of the little sweets on their way to a good dogging spot. Gretel had been their many times before, but usually had something in her eyes after and didn't know the way out. They all snaffled a couple of sneaky ones for themselves, because they could and because no-one could see them. Dave wouldn't know.

    By the time they got to the spot, Gretel was foaming at the lips (both sets), hungry for c*ck. Hansel's heart was already racing, and he put it down to a sugar-rush from the sweets. He kindly obliged Gretel her wishes, and was pleased to find that she took it up the wrong'un - something none of his mates had discovered. It must have been gratitude for sharing those sweets! As the vinegar strokes approached, Hansel noticed a small bird fly past, quite low, very fast, straight into a tree. Unperturbed he finished off and, ever the gent, handed Gretel a tissue.

    As they left the clearing, the kids were met with a rotten surprise. The sweetie-trail had gone! The local wildlife had been at the treats, as evidenced by them lying around the track being ill, or falling out of trees with their eyes crossed. Gretel remarked that sweets were bad for animals - her mum had told her chocolate gave dogs the runs. This still wouldn't help them get home, though, so they set off to find the route themselves.

    After a couple of hours aimlessly wandering the forest they became hungry, and each ate a handful from Dave's bag to keep them going. Hansel began to worry they had become truly lost, because he honestly could not remember walking past the purple and pink trees before and he swore blind he'd have remembered the green spotted elephant's nest. But lo! there was nothing more to fear as they approached a house which for all the world appeared to be made of gingerbread! Gretel mused that perhaps they've got a landline, because her mobile was getting nothing in the way of signal, and with which they could phone for a cab home.

    After knocking on the door once or twice, a small old woman answered. Confronted by two obviously-high teens, she was understandably worried. She tried to turn them away but to no avail. Gretel became aggressive, slapping the poor woman across the face and knocking her to the floor. As she tried to crawl to the panic button to raise the alarm, Hansel ran across and stomped on her head, knocking her out cold.

    The two children let themselves in and helped themselves to the contents of the cupboard - having discovered the hard way that the brickwork was, in fact, brick, and not gingerbread. Gretel, obviously a randy mare in the face of violence, stripped to her skimpies and ruined young Han all over again - he resting an ashtray and Stella on her back while he worked. Having had their fun, and with the effects of the "sweets" beginning to wane, they called for a taxi from the landline that the old woman did indeed own. Before the taxi arrived they checked on the old woman to discover she had died from Hansel's final blow, so they bunged her corpse in the oven before getting off in the cab.

    Some weeks later they were both arrested on suspicion of murder. Gretel, by this time known to be pregnant with Hansel's baby (probably - she swore blind he was the only one that month), was let off on compassionate grounds and promptly moved into a council flat to raise the kid. Hansel was given a 2-year suspended sentence in a Young Offender's Institute on the proviso he attended a 6-month rehabilitation course. He dropped out after two months, but the matter was never followed up by the police or CPS. After two years living with Gretel in their new house, and her giving birth to another kid (with suspiciously dark skin), Hansel left her - taking with him the 52" flat-screen TV he'd "bought" a few months before.

    The End.


    Council House in Drumchapel, Glasgow. Sound of television blaring in the background.

    JOSEPH Right, we’d best be off to Bethlehem.

    MARY Do we have to go? There’s a dead brilliant program on the tellie?

    JOSEPH Of course we have to go – you’ll get another bloody ASBO if you don’t show up. (Note 1)

    MARY Oh shit – I can’t be arsed. Phone them up and tell them we can’t make it.

    JOSEPH Don’t be so bloody stupid – the phone hasn’t been invented yet – and neither has the television for that matter.

    Sound Effects: Television suddenly stops blaring in background – deadly silence.

    MARY So I suppose we can’t use the car either then.

    JOSEPH No – it’s not been invented – and anyway I can’t afford one.

    MARY So we have to walk?

    JOSEPH Yep.

    MARY I can’t do it – not in my condition.

    JOSEPH Well, it’s your own bloody fault – getting yourself pregnant.

    MARY Don’t blame me – I’m still a virgin you know.

    JOSEPH Yeah – right!

    MARY It’s true – it came from the Holy Spirit.

    JOSEPH I know – I heard you shouting, “Oh my God . . . Oh my God”.

    MARY Honest . . . I wouldn’t tell you a lie . . . I’ve never had sex with a man.

    JOSEPH Would you go on Trisha and take a DNA test?

    Sound Effects: Silence – complete lack of Mary saying anything.

    MARY So if we’re going to Bethlehem can we at least take a donkey-taxi.

    JOSEPH Okay, I’ll call one . . . . Shit!

    MARY What’s up?

    JOSEPH Just remembered – they haven’t invented phones yet.


    [CAROL :- We three king from Govan are.]

    1st WISE PERSON Shit – what’s that bright thing in the sky.

    2nd WISE PERSON It’s a supersonic aeroplane.

    1st WISE PERSON Can’t be - aeroplanes haven’t been invented yet.

    2nd WISE PERSON Oh! So it must be a sign from God that he has sent his only son to suffer and die so that we all may be saved from eternal damnation in Hell.

    1st WISE PERSON Spot on – let’s follow it – wherever it may lead us.

    STAR: Hello everyone. I don’t have a speaking part – but shit, I spent three weeks at rehearsals, so I’ve got every bit a right to speak as the rest of them.

    TREE: Good point Star – Hello Mummy.

    COW: Shut up you two – you always spoil everything.

    3rd WISE PERSON We’d better take along some presents.

    1st WISE PERSON Do we have to?

    3rd WISE PERSON Yeah! It’s Christmas after all.

    2nd WISE PERSON Shit – I’ll need to nip along to Woolworths for something.


    Mary and Joseph are standing at the door of the inn. (The one round the corner from the chemists – next to the traffic lights)


    JOSEPH So have you got a room?


    MARY But my baby could drop at any moment – you must have something.

    INNKEEPER Well – you can have free use of my castle – it’s got seventy-three rooms and ten bathrooms – so that will give you some space to get comfortable.

    JOSEPH Don’t be stupid man.

    INNKEEPER What’s up with that?

    JOSEPH She’s about to have the son of God (or at least that what she claims). It wouldn’t look right if he was born in a castle! When they write his biography it needs to be a dramatic rags to riches story . . . well rags to crucifixion story. A castle’s far too middle-class.

    INNKEEPER You could have the stable if you wish.

    JOSEPH Is it cold and damp and covered in cow shit?

    INNKEEPER No – it’s actually quite cosy and clean.

    JOSEPH Could you go and rough it up a bit – we’re expecting some wise men at anytime.

    INNKEEPER No problem.


    In a big field – full of mad cows and strangely betrayed sheep.

    1st SHEPHERD The sheep seem very restless tonight.

    2nd SHEPHERD Have you been up to your old tricks again 3rd-Sheperd.

    3rd SHEPHERD I haven’t touched any of the honest.

    Sound Effects: Flashing light – thunder – lay it on thick.

    The ARCH ANGEL appears – lowered on a rope from above.

    4th SHEPHERD What in Christ's name is that!

    1st SHEPHERD Who's Christ?

    3rd SHEPHERD Wait a moment – there’s only supposed to be three shepherds.

    1st SHEPHERD That’s right – where the hell did he come from.

    2nd SHEPHERD I know – he’s that useless twat that failed the auditions.

    1st, 2nd and 3rd SHEPHERDS Bugger off you – go on – get off the bloody stage.

    4th SHEPHERD Away and break a bloody leg the lot of you – bunch of fucking wasters.

    ARCH ANGEL Fear not o’ lowly shepherds – I bring you tidings of joy.

    2nd SHEPHERD Our pay rise has finally come through?

    ARCH ANGEL No nothing quite so amazing as that – but tonight a child will be born who will change the world – he will be the new king.

    1st SHEPHERD What Elvis? Elvis is being born tonight?

    ARCH ANGEL Not Elvis stupid – Jesus – Jesus Christ.

    3rd SHEPHERD There’s no need for blasphemy!



    Nothing happens in this act.


    In the shit covered stable – surrounded by shit covered cows.

    MARY Owwww – ouchhhh – waaaa – ochhy waawaaa oachhhh

    JOSEPH Stop bloody moaning – I’m trying to get some sleep.

    MARY The bloody wean’s about to drop.

    JOSEPH Just get on with it woman.


    Sound Effects: Slurping sort of noise – sort of thing of a ten pound baby coming gushing out a woman’s lower regions.

    JESUS Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaaa

    GOD It’s a boy . . . Yippeeeeee.

    JOSEPH Will you shut that wean up for Christ sake.

    JESUS Daddy.

    GOD and JOSEPH Yes my son.

    JESUS Yes my sons.

    GOD This is too confusing – I’m out of here.

    MARY Joseph answer the stable door.

    JOSEPH Too late the horse has bolted.

    COW Moooo – Mooooo – Mooooove over, I can see my mum in the audience.

    SHEEP Baaaa Baaaa Baaaa – Baaaaastard, my dad’s pissed!

    Mary and Joseph cuddle their child.

    DALEK: Excuse me . . . think I’m in the wrong play . . . . exterminate . . . exterminate . .

    Sound Effects: Jesus craps down Mary’s best dress.


    Still in the shitty stable – but now the wise men and shepherds have arrived so it smells even shittier.

    JOSEPH Welcome to our humble abode.

    MARY He means stable.

    JOSEPH No I don’t I mean abode – I learnt my lines so shut up.

    6th TREE I’ve wet my panties.

    1st SHEPHERD We be coming here on a strange and mysterious errand. (Looking at the 2nd SHEEP - Hiya Gordon – going for a pint after this?) An angel told us that a wondrous baby would be born here tonight and he would be saviour of all the world.

    JOSEPH Well . . . I wouldn’t call him wondrous but he's okay for a wean.

    JESUS Hey – watch what you’re saying about me!

    JOSEPH Cool it.

    1st WISE PERSON I have brought you gold.

    JOSEPH Excellent – maybe I can buy a car now – well when they invent them.

    2nd WISE PERSON And I have brought you frankincense.

    MARY Oh thanks. My Channel Number 5 is nearly finished.

    3rd WISE PERSON And I have brought you myrrh

    JESUS Myrrh? Myrrh? You bring me bloody myrrh? Could you not have brought me a teddy bear or an X-Box or something decent.

    3rd WISE PERSON Sorry Big-J, Woolworths was shut – only the chemist was open.

    JESUS Well this is turning out to be one shite birthday I can tell you.

    GOD Listen you lot down there – Gonna just stop moaning all the time – I’m trying to get some rest. Bloody anti-social neighbours! Don’t know why I bother!!!

    (Note 1) ASBO – Anti-Social Behaviour Order is an award given to hooligans for violent behaviour, wrecking cars, killing cats, etc etc etc
  9. hahahahahahahahaha

    Quality! :D