Ive got a burning ring of fire....

#1
I like a curry,not the poofy Korma or the British Tikka Masala,no I like it hottt! :D
So I ordered a beek Vindaloo last night for tea after a couple of sherbets in the pub.About 2 hours later,I started to fart.Constantly!When I went for a slash,every step I took,a little pocket of bum gas escaped. :p
Then before bed,I needed a sh1te,so concious of the possible back blast,I positioned my bum carefully on the throne & relaxed.
Suddenly the was a loud "ppfffttttssss" as the bum plaster escaped,followed by an immidiate burning sensation of the ring!The stench was bad!I mean it even smelt hot!My cat,who was in the bath drinking from the dripping tap,looked at me wide eye'd & immidiatly ran away!
So I gingerly wiped my poor ring & went to bed.No matter how I lay,my poor ring was on fire,my bum cheeks felt like they were burnt & even my bollox/prostate were on fire!I gave my bollox a check & they felt like they do had shrivveled up! 8O
I tried lying on my front,nope still hurt.my back,no relief that way either.Even today my ring's still on fire! 8O
So who's ever been that bad & any tips to avoid the ring of fire?
 
#9
Spike - Cut a wedge out of a watermelon to suit size of crack (in your case, probably a third of it will do, if it's a large melon). Grasp the green rind firmly, squat, present melon and press in hard. Instant relief, although the pips are a nuisance.

And you can put it back in the fridge for later applications. Or you could try one of these ...
 

Attachments

#10
Resisting the urge to parody, try drinking mango juice instead of beer with that extra hot curry. Now i KNOW beer and curry go together like the Navy and cowardice.......but he did ask for a preventative and, believe me, this one works!

:roll:
 
#11
Donkey-Spanker said:
spike7451 said:
any tips to avoid the ring of fire?
Might I suggest you man up a bit? I've been eating vindaloos and phals for decades, and I've never had a problem with it on the way out.
You may have a point there. The worst thing about a phal is the sniggering you get from the waiter when you order it.
 
#13
Donkey-Spanker said:
spike7451 said:
any tips to avoid the ring of fire?
Might I suggest you man up a bit? I've been eating vindaloos and phals for decades, and I've never had a problem with it on the way out.
Normaly nor do I,but for some reason last night's affected me,maybe it's cause the curryhouse had just changed hands or a dodgy pint of 'Porter'.
Spike.

(ps,jarrod,sorry mate,I'm not your type but the local barbers in the town,Happy's,might be interested... :p )
 
#15
Put baby wipes in the fridge, they will soothe it. As a preventative drink a glass of lassi before you get started (no dog jokes please), if its a good Indian they will have it on the menu.
 
#16
Ali_Gee said:
Lucky git

I could go a good Ruby, there's a curry house in Santiago but it's pitiful compared to the ones in Bradfordistan.
Make your own then. I have a great recipe.
Got it from the head chef of the Aagrah in Bradford.
Fooking gorgeous and a piece of piss to make.
And turning your arrsehole into a blood orange is optional. :D
 

acl

Old-Salt
#17
Ali_Gee said:
Lucky git

I could go a good Ruby, there's a curry house in Santiago but it's pitiful compared to the ones in Bradfordistan.
How ungrateful of you to say that! I'm outraged!

I bet you're only saying that because you couldn't handle the hot curry sauce :p
 
#18
spike7451 said:
I like a curry,not the poofy Korma or the British Tikka Masala,no I like it hottt! :D
So I ordered a beek Vindaloo last night for tea after a couple of sherbets in the pub.About 2 hours later,I started to fart.Constantly!When I went for a slash,every step I took,a little pocket of bum gas escaped. :p
Then before bed,I needed a sh1te,so concious of the possible back blast,I positioned my bum carefully on the throne & relaxed.
Suddenly the was a loud "ppfffttttssss" as the bum plaster escaped,followed by an immidiate burning sensation of the ring!The stench was bad!I mean it even smelt hot!My cat,who was in the bath drinking from the dripping tap,looked at me wide eye'd & immidiatly ran away!
So I gingerly wiped my poor ring & went to bed.No matter how I lay,my poor ring was on fire,my bum cheeks felt like they were burnt & even my bollox/prostate were on fire!I gave my bollox a check & they felt like they do had shrivveled up! 8O
I tried lying on my front,nope still hurt.my back,no relief that way either.Even today my ring's still on fire! 8O
So who's ever been that bad & any tips to avoid the ring of fire?
Oh my fucking God. Spike has been kidnapped by the spelling police. They are making him talk text speak too.

Please give the real Spike back. I actually liked him, even if he talked funny.
 
#20
:twisted: You big jessy , ive been using dynamite hot stagg chilli as a pile ointment for years , hand stand in the shower if you cant handle it :lol:
Why not play vindaloo roulette and eat one for breakfast and go for aong drive
 

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