Ive got a burning ring of fire....

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by spike7451, Nov 2, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    I like a curry,not the poofy Korma or the British Tikka Masala,no I like it hottt! :D
    So I ordered a beek Vindaloo last night for tea after a couple of sherbets in the pub.About 2 hours later,I started to fart.Constantly!When I went for a slash,every step I took,a little pocket of bum gas escaped. :p
    Then before bed,I needed a sh1te,so concious of the possible back blast,I positioned my bum carefully on the throne & relaxed.
    Suddenly the was a loud "ppfffttttssss" as the bum plaster escaped,followed by an immidiate burning sensation of the ring!The stench was bad!I mean it even smelt hot!My cat,who was in the bath drinking from the dripping tap,looked at me wide eye'd & immidiatly ran away!
    So I gingerly wiped my poor ring & went to bed.No matter how I lay,my poor ring was on fire,my bum cheeks felt like they were burnt & even my bollox/prostate were on fire!I gave my bollox a check & they felt like they do had shrivveled up! 8O
    I tried lying on my front,nope still hurt.my back,no relief that way either.Even today my ring's still on fire! 8O
    So who's ever been that bad & any tips to avoid the ring of fire?
  2. More lube,and resist the urge for man love.
  3. It's self inflicted. Really I feel sorry for the cat.
  4. Cruelty to cats?

    Start up the Outrage Bus?! :D

  5. Napalm cream will make the pain go away
  6. Here you go. Sorted.

  7. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Try going for a shit in a public swimming pool or if you live somewhere posh, a fountain
  8. Get Jarrod to smear yoghurt all over his knob and insert it in your bum hole then work it in and out. The yoghurt will take away the sting.
  9. Spike - Cut a wedge out of a watermelon to suit size of crack (in your case, probably a third of it will do, if it's a large melon). Grasp the green rind firmly, squat, present melon and press in hard. Instant relief, although the pips are a nuisance.

    And you can put it back in the fridge for later applications. Or you could try one of these ...

    Attached Files:

  10. Resisting the urge to parody, try drinking mango juice instead of beer with that extra hot curry. Now i KNOW beer and curry go together like the Navy and cowardice.......but he did ask for a preventative and, believe me, this one works!

  11. You may have a point there. The worst thing about a phal is the sniggering you get from the waiter when you order it.
  12. Beek curry. That'll be the problem.
  13. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Normaly nor do I,but for some reason last night's affected me,maybe it's cause the curryhouse had just changed hands or a dodgy pint of 'Porter'.

    (ps,jarrod,sorry mate,I'm not your type but the local barbers in the town,Happy's,might be interested... :p )
  14. Lucky git

    I could go a good Ruby, there's a curry house in Santiago but it's pitiful compared to the ones in Bradfordistan.
  15. Put baby wipes in the fridge, they will soothe it. As a preventative drink a glass of lassi before you get started (no dog jokes please), if its a good Indian they will have it on the menu.