Ive got a boil on my bum!

I woke up this morning knowing that never has the air felt crisper, the sunshine been brighter and the neighbours shouting "Stop bloody whistling!" quite so sincerely! Why? Because on the base of my right buttock, at the top of my leg in the shady area known as Buttcrease, Arkansas, USA is a boily/spotty/carbuncley thing.

I love 'em! This one last night was just making its presence felt, with a twinge, a little little suppurating puss and the beginnings of a strong central matter agglomeration. This morning it had also swollen and captured a couple of spots, adding them into its glory.

I entered the shower and played an almost unbearable jet of hot water over the area. The skin tautened, like a filipina maiden's nipples at sunset, and a firm proud Wensleydale cheese-like head pushed itself forward, questing for the open air and the tiles beyond.

With a bizarre two-handed grip, that would be strange to all but the most advanced of Freemasons, I squeezed the flanks of this might bubo. A brief staggering jet of pain shot up my arrse and into my brain-like globule. Then there was an almost inaudible "spluurt". The Wallace and Gromit's favourite core shot out onto the glass screen, then a few ccs of pus followed, with a splash of blood - like a maraschino cherry - to conclude the voiding.

Brisjk rub with the towel, lick of germolene and cuddles is ready to face whatever today may bring - Wales for one thing, drink with client another.

May your arrse boils be equally fruitful this day fellow Arrsers...be careful, its a pus-filled jungle out there!

 

You could have made money if you'd put any video on Youtube.

Instead you just seem to need praise.

Well done!.

 

Nothing more satisfying than squeezing a boil, especially when there's a pattern on the tiles and you're trying to hit it with any substance that goes airbourne.

 

For which I thank you...It was one hell of a boil for a 24 hour life-cycle...

 

There aren't many things more satisfying than squeezing a good spot. Especially during teenage years when you squeeze your first spot and see the contents empty out on the mirror infront at 103mph.

 

I must say, what a delicious description, especially with the cherries.

Is it wrong that I was salivating at the idea of you squishing your arrse boils?

 

It's most likely a pilonidal sinus. Take a look: http://www.worldwidewounds.com/2003/december/Miller/Pilonidal-Sinus.html

 

That's not a Pilonidal Sinus, they tend to occur above the anus, in the asscrack. I know this personally as I have to go in for an operation on mine sometime this year.

 

You can't beat a good spot/boil. My mother is a nurse (now in management with the NHS) and, like all nurses, takes a deep interest in all things pus-ridden and swollen and she took great delight in squeezing my many adolescent spots. As such I appear to have inherited her lust for pustules and am constantly berated by the Future Mrs Bat Crab for attacking hers whilst she is in the shower/in bed/on the toilet. The more blood and pus the better: the elation of a successful squeeze tempered only by the sense of loss, knowing that a fine specimen of a carbuncle has disappeared, never to be seen again.

There is nothing better than when they hit the mirror...

 

Cue a "Boils of Our Time" thread.

My malady was at the other end, in fact a very ugly boil that developed in my left earhole. Great pain & left lug swelled up like it had been used as a punchbag by Mike Tyson. Industrial strength antibiotics required and pain/swelling subsided but the boil was still inact.

Until that is a week or so later when in the middle of a briefing a sudden itch forced a bit of lively ear scratching. And contents of said boil promptly erupted forcing a very hasty and unseemly exit to do quite a bit of very badly needed mopping up.

 

i've got a recuring boil/spot/thing on my actual arrsehole, takes a week or so to to 'firm up', but then it can be dealt with in the manner described by cuddles. fantastic 'pop', good crop of high-quality pus and a real sensation of pressure relieved.

long car journeys help enormously in the formulation of the beast, after 8 hrs at the wheel often the first thing i'll do is pop the fucker.

 

To the tune of: 'It started with a cyst'. I have to have a cyst cut out on Thursday that keeps swelling up like a small boiled egg and bursting on my shirt. Not only does it hurt, it looks like seagull has shat on me. The doc doing the op said I would need about six stiches 'as it goes deep' how deep he didn't say but if I feel a tugging sensation in the gonads I'll tell him to stop.

 

nasty nasty nasty, was about to have a cheese on toast.... I'll pass now

 

Next time you get invited to a fancy dress party, try this handy money saving ruse. Paint your face red. When you get to the party take a big swig of cold custard, the yellower the better, but DO NOT swallow.With your red face and bulging cheeks someone is bound to say 'and what have you come as'. You then strike your cheeks smartly and erupt yellow, puss like fluid all over them. You can then reply, with a hint of pride at a job well done, 'a boil'. Simple and guaranteed to break the ice at parties.

 

Admit it, it's a thing of beauty...