I woke up this morning knowing that never has the air felt crisper, the sunshine been brighter and the neighbours shouting "Stop bloody whistling!" quite so sincerely! Why? Because on the base of my right buttock, at the top of my leg in the shady area known as Buttcrease, Arkansas, USA is a boily/spotty/carbuncley thing. I love 'em! This one last night was just making its presence felt, with a twinge, a little little suppurating puss and the beginnings of a strong central matter agglomeration. This morning it had also swollen and captured a couple of spots, adding them into its glory. I entered the shower and played an almost unbearable jet of hot water over the area. The skin tautened, like a filipina maiden's nipples at sunset, and a firm proud Wensleydale cheese-like head pushed itself forward, questing for the open air and the tiles beyond. With a bizarre two-handed grip, that would be strange to all but the most advanced of Freemasons, I squeezed the flanks of this might bubo. A brief staggering jet of pain shot up my arrse and into my brain-like globule. Then there was an almost inaudible "spluurt". The Wallace and Gromit's favourite core shot out onto the glass screen, then a few ccs of pus followed, with a splash of blood - like a maraschino cherry - to conclude the voiding. Brisjk rub with the towel, lick of germolene and cuddles is ready to face whatever today may bring - Wales for one thing, drink with client another. May your arrse boils be equally fruitful this day fellow Arrsers...be careful, its a pus-filled jungle out there!