Its your funeral

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, Jul 13, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    With apologies to anyone who's just lost someone, and without wishing to be morbid, its in the post innit?

    As me dear old Nan used to say, “Of three things we may be sure son. Death, tax and hedges”.

    A bunch of Sikhs torched a guy in a field near Newcastle yesterday. Built a big pyre around him, dropped a match then tried to stay upwind.

    He was dead before they dropped the match. Otherwise it would be weird. He’s the one under the sheet.


    The Rozzers are investigating because they didn’t have permission. Aye.

    Just seems there’s lots more interesting ways to go these days.

    There are certain rules.

    Like you want weeping women and men choked up because they are never going to see that monkey they lent you at the races. You want your Missus lamping the mystery blond in the dark glasses who turns up. You want a scary old guy walking around whispering “Is it safe?” to mourners.

    Given that all happens, what’s your plan and what tune do you want as you glide up the aisle?

    I want ‘Remember you’re a Womble’ by The Wombles. Like I’m going to miss the chance to wind up me mates one last time and stick that bloody tune in everyone’s head all day long?

  2. You UDA scum :eek:
  3. UDA scum...why use two words when one word would do?

    I am having a piper at the door of the church playing anything but Highland bast**ding Cathedral. Then the box will be carried in by aged but not too infirm oppos (or sons of same) to Steely Dan's "East St Louis Toodle-oo". Box will then be withdrawn to hearse to a live N'Awlins jazz band playing "When the Saints Go Marching In". Pink champagne will be served at the wake, whisky at the graveside. Piper will play during the interment.

    After the salute, a lone Walt will bore the mourners all the way to the cars with stories about how he won the Falklands...
  4. I want to be fed into a wood chipper and the output sprayed into a flock of squaking crows, all this to the sweet sound of Son Of My Father by Chicory Tip blasting out of my clock radio.

    I think that has the right balance of respectful solemnity.
  5. Funds permitting, I'd like a viking funeral just like Kirk Douglas's dad in the movie. You know the form... funeral byre on a dragon- prowed longboat, pushed out to sea on an ebbing tide, set alight by a single flaming arrow, whilst all and sundry wail and gnash teeth, and a bevy of scantily clad lissome beauties can breathe deeply and weep soulfully. Preferably a couple of mine enemies could be lashed to the longboat for a fireside seat...

    Trouble is, the wife and kids will cost engineer this down to a cardboard coffin black nastied to a PGL-surplus kayak on the local canal with 3 pints of kero and a bic lighter on the end of a stick.

    Bastards. Guess I'll just have to take up drinking instead.

    No cat sranglers either!
  6. I want a non-religious service, with my friends taking turns to say what a top bloke I was (OK, the might have to stretch the truth a bit, but it’s MY funeral and they’ll be having a drink on me afterwards, so it’s the least they can do :D ).

    Inside the box, I want a decent Cuban cigar stuck between my lips (a Cohiba Siglo IV for preference) so I can have a last good smoke as I burn. As I go off to the flames I want “Ode an die Freude” blasting out at full volume.

    Afterwards, I want my ashes put into some big, spectacular fireworks rockets. Then my friends can have a big party, paid for out of my will, and at its height they'll put “Ode an die Freude” on the stereo again and fire the rockets, sending my mortal remains off in a blaze of glory.

    I want people to celebrate my life, not mourn my death, and if any of them are miserable about it I’ll come back and haunt the b@stards until they cheer up!
  7. I want "Goodbyeee" (closing credits of Not Only But Also) playing as I come into the crem. And then "Ave you got a light boy" by the singing postman as the close they curtains.
  8. Is it just me or does the dead guy look like he's enjoying himself? Bloody big smile for a dead person.
  9. No waah - Thats a mourner hugging the pyre.
  10. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Thats his Missus I think? Maybe she just talked to his life insurance rep on the mobby?
  11. Ode to Joy? The European national anthem? I used to think you were basically sound Chinggis but now I feel your Mongol invasions were merely an early attempt to set up a European Commission for Standardization of Mare's Milk Measures...
  12. Fcuk me so it is! Sorry had a blonde moment. Still, she looks happy he is dead.
  13. Of course she is. Shes got the house to herself, and they went cheap on the funeral. Shes just a little pished off that he didnt cark it in November so they could have combined it with a guy fawkes party.
  14. Oh yes, thats the way to do it. I,ve also fancied been carried up to the top of some huge mountain, Everest etc and left there sat with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other wearing jeans and dessies looking out over the world..frozen. In years to come people would climb up and take a nip from the bottle and did this nutter climb everest in just jeans and dessies :D

  15. It looks suspiciously like a grieving relative is getting dry-bummed by a strap-on wielding mourner. Is that part of the service?