It's your Funeral.

#1
Was filling out one of them last will and testament forms the other day and came to the bit about funeral arrangements which got me thinking about what sort of funeral would suit me.
Just imagine you have met the Grim Reaper and shuffled off through the Pearly Gates (unless you have been reading the Mong thread), you've been to the QM's and drawn your harp and wings, and there you are, sitting on a nice comfy cloud and eyeing up the Vestal Virgins, suddenly a gap appears in the mist and behold, you are watching your own funeral.........what would you like to see??.
 
#2
Cut up into breach sized pieces, and shot out of 105's over salisbury plain.
Marvellous! The smell might make everyone hungry though.....

Either that or used in a james bond film as a stunt body. Eg falling 20 floors covered in flames. See bill hicks' commentary on using terminally ill people as stunt doubles. Not as wrong as the mong thread, but still wrong.
 
#4
I wouldn't want to hear people who didn't like me in life saying nice things about me at my funeral. I hate hypocrites, and would be forced to let loose a rain of piss on their heads from heaven. Having said that, I want every woman who ever dumped on me to be crying miserable tears of regret. And if hauntings are possible, I'm going to have one hell of a blast in the after life. :twisted:
 
#8
As long as I die with my boots on, I'm not too worried. I must admit though, as I am a bit "new agey" Dozys idea sounds good, make mine a Silver Birch. :D
 
#9
Set adrift in a burning long-boat so that I might be taken away by the Lady of the Lake :p

Hopefully somewhere busy like Calais so the bloody french suffer at my hands for once. :twisted:
 
#11
Buried at sea on the 23rd December, with a bugler and a bagpiper in attendance. :twisted:

Oh yes, and it will have to be in UK waters..
 
#12
bernoulli said:
Buried at sea on the 23rd December, with a bugler and a bagpiper in attendance. :twisted:

Oh yes, and it will have to be in UK waters..
Why the specific date Bernoulli, has Santa put out a contract on you? 8O
 
#13
bernoulli said:
Buried at sea on the 23rd December, with a bugler and a bagpiper in attendance. :twisted:

Oh yes, and it will have to be in UK waters..
Yeah, and what happens if you expire on 24th December one year? Shove you in the deep freeze or something?
 
#14
Similar to BigJobs initial thoughts......

Deploy six light guns onto Salisbury Plain.
Divide my ashes into the relevant number of 105 Cart cases, then start off proceedings with the massed pipes and drums of the Royal Artillery playing Highland Cathedral. Then move on to the 1812 Overture, firing the guns at the appropriate time, firing live with a nice combination of Illum, HE and Smoke. 8) :twisted:
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
#15
A celebrated Bisley veteran had his ashes scattered by firework rocket over the range during the imperial meeting last year or close I think!
 
#16
Sleeper_service said:
bernoulli said:
Buried at sea on the 23rd December, with a bugler and a bagpiper in attendance. :twisted:

Oh yes, and it will have to be in UK waters..
Why the specific date Bernoulli, has Santa put out a contract on you? 8O
23rd, 24th, 25th, I don't really care, just as long as a ship has to go to sea during a leave period..
 
#17
bernoulli said:
Sleeper_service said:
bernoulli said:
Buried at sea on the 23rd December, with a bugler and a bagpiper in attendance. :twisted:

Oh yes, and it will have to be in UK waters..
Why the specific date Bernoulli, has Santa put out a contract on you? 8O
23rd, 24th, 25th, I don't really care, just as long as a ship has to go to sea during a leave period..
If I end up at sea cos you died, I will piss on your coffin and shag the bereaved!
 
#18
I want the whole country to be forced by the media Nazis into a false outpouring of inconsolable grief, a la Diana.

Would stipulate in the will for my family to buy lots of Interflora shares so the carpet of flowers outside my house made them some money.

Would insist that the fat poof Elton rehashed Candle in the Wind for me. Would then expect a drunk relative to assault him during the third verse on national TV.

It would be then mandatory for all Daily Mail readers to suspect anyone who later said a word against me was the Devil incarnate.

Finally, would like a large memorial water feature to be erected by the Ground Force team and filled with Stella.
 
#19
Micky_Dees said:
Similar to BigJobs initial thoughts......

Deploy six light guns onto Salisbury Plain.
Divide my ashes into the relevant number of 105 Cart cases, then start off proceedings with the massed pipes and drums of the Royal Artillery playing Highland Cathedral. Then move on to the 1812 Overture, firing the guns at the appropriate time, firing live with a nice combination of Illum, HE and Smoke. 8) :twisted:
Yeah thats the one. Maybe ashes are preferable to body parts. Have a full military band playing the great escape. Then the pipes and drums doing a weepy. Get the red arrows to do a flyby etc etc etc. THEN get a sm to go and find all the bits of ash, sweep them up THEN burial at sea.
 
#20
Have announced on more than one occasion that I intend to die in bed at age 98+ making love to twin 19 year old Playboy Bunnies...

my dear sweet spouse has agreed to assist me in this..she says that she'll make sure I die...

The resultant tabloid frenzy will create a worldwide outpouring of disgust and admiration that the funeral will be covered world wide...
 

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