Its the End of the World as we know it, and I feel fine

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Nov 13, 2005.

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  1. Obviously, the complete breakdown of civilization is going to happen sooner or later, plunging us all into a dystopic, post-apocalyptic nightmare of survival against unimaginable terror. I know this is true because the Government tell me it isn't going to happen. So, it could happen in any number of ways, and as usual Hollywood leads the way:

    * Environmental catastrophe a la The Core, Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow and so on. Survival will depend on how much fur-lined North face kit you have, as well as arctic rat packs, or alternatively whether you have a space shuttle and a small nuclear weapon in the loft. This being ARRSE, I'd say there was a chance of that happening.

    * Breakdown of Law and Order a la Mad Max (fuel deprivation), 28 Days Later (chemical craziness), The Omega Man (which has to be the coolest End of The World movie EVAR!) whereby you will need a leather jacket, a selection of home made melee weapons, a punk haircut and a really fast car that runs on ethanol.

    * Spiritual Craziness a la Dawn of the Dead (Hell comes to Earth) or Quatermass III.

    I'm sure you can think of others. Anyway, we all know it's going to happen, it's going to be horrible and what will make it worse is that all those wanky spam survivalists will be laughing their kevlar, DPM socks off.

    Some questions to open a reasoned discussion:

    1. How do you think the world will end? Civil war? Nuclear accident? Environmental catastrophe? Zombie plague. I favour zombie plague, mainly because I walked into Primark in Kingston yesterday and was very scared by what I saw.

    2. How would you turn your drum into a post-apocalyptic survival zone? I had a good look at my modest Victorian semi yesterday and began sketching rough FIBUA-defensive position type diagrams. Razor wire would clash with my nice sash windows, but needs must.

    3. Weapons. Obviously, I'm going to drive my freshly up-armoured VW Golf to the nearest TA armoury and ransack it. Or a sports shop, where there would be a large selection of baseball bats and golf clubs for close-up work. Any other ideas?

    4. Where to flee? Once the horde start breaking down the heavily-armoured doors of my house I'm going to bundle the family into the escape tunnel and get in the jam jar and head....where? I can imagine the M25 being the last circle of hell, full of Mad Max stylee road warriors. Where should a respectable post-apocalyptic survivor flee with his family? Godalming is out. So is Brighton, because trust me the place is already full of bizarre gothic hippies who look straight out of a end of the world movie. It can only get worse.

    5. Fellow survivors. Of course, it would superficially be nice to find yourself trapped in a house with, say, an upper sixth form Netball team but let's face it they'd be crap fighting off fifty feral zombie vagrants. The sad truth is that you'd rather get thrown in with a load of horrible hairy squaddies who were completely nails and would probably enjoy the scenario anyway. Any ideas as to who, exactly.

    So, just a few pointers re. the End of the World.

    Discuss. I'm putting together a small aide memoire to supplement the excellent government one I used as a doorstop last year before burning.

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  3. Interesting thread, I think Bird Flu will wipe out most of the population and the UK will revert back to Warlords and Fifedoms (TA centres and barrack towns). The Chavs will be hunted down and used a slaves to tend the fields. Tony Blairs gang of cronies will be used as fox substatutes and hunted down by crazied umpalumpas on quadbikes.

    Motorbikes would be the best form of transport as they can filter through RTA's and tight corners. but I will have to make do with my moutain bike (I could out run a gang of flesh eating Zombies but cycling all the way back to Scotnad would be a tad tiring!)

    Weapons: I can just see people trying to take down a zombie with a .22 air rifle. Pling, reload, plink, reload, plink ..."Dad, they're getting closer" reload, plink, reload, plink "Oh sod it, RUN!!!"

    I'll opt for a my basket hilt broadsword or a nice sabre.
  4. Dont worry about it, your going to be run over by a bus before it happens....
  5. What a zombie driven bus? or a vegitable oil nitro enhanced turbo rocket Bus with hellfire missiles and twin gattling cannons (and built in time dialation machine) in hot pursuit of a fabled golden child who will restore the time line giving Vege his Victorian semi back.

  6. Probably one of these buses:
  7. Good link, that is exactly what I was thinking of. The "McGuyvered School Bus" is a standard mode of armoured transport in post-apocalyptic scenarios, it's just a shame we don't have them here.

    Instead I'm going to hotwire a No. 22 Routemaster before Ken Livingston mothballs them. I will paint it a psychosis-inducing shade of lime green and up-armour it by bungees holding together rows of army-surplus US Vietnam era flak-jackets, available cheaply at any waltish army surplus shop. I will remove the windscreen and replace it, like Mr. T would, with a steel plate. Vision would be courtesy of four CCTV cameras in armoured boxes dotted around the vehicle wired up to Mrs. Veg's laptop. She would then give me directions like a WW1 tank commander.

    Offensive capability would include covering the "Route-to-Hell Master" with chickenwire plugged into a car battery and welding some of my Global cooking knives to the hubcaps of the vehicle. The Potato Mortars chronicled elsewhere on this excellent forum could be spread around the top deck for other survivors to use.

    We would head down the A3 at 45mph knocking zombie/ hippy/ bird-flu carrying enemies and try to make it to the West County via Tidworth where we could ransack the Lidl and try to banjo the armscote.

    At least it's a plan.

  8. Yes I can see the bus now, but I think ancient armour should be the dress of the day!


  9. Best tactical decision would be to go to ground for first few weeks whilst the crazies thin each other out. The time under cover being spent allocating hot totty to appropriate semen donors. Emerge. Hunting and fishing shops will provide weapons and hardy clothing. Kill all journalists and lawyers. That should include most politicians anyway.
    Set up enclosed area in remote spot or on easily defended island. Absolutely and utterly no immigration to this area. Slightest defiance to authority or failure to observe November 11th earns instant dismissal to outer darkness. Time spent in idle and relaxed fornication or watching any bean flickers that got mixed up with survivors.
    Irish people to be in charge of sanitation - i.e. shovelling shyte.
    Scotch people to run the pubs - free of all charges.
  10. This dovetails nicely with the ARRSE Cruiseliner thread...fully equipped, it should allow competent Arrseurs to ride out the melting icecaps and subesquent flooding on the high seas in comfort and allow stopping at remaining landforms for forage parties to gather the necessaries..

    For travel inland to check out surviving supermodel enclaves there is a firm in the good ol' USA that for a modest fee of $ 2 mil will provide you with a Greyhound type bus fully kitted to withstand NBC effects [ sadly, not a direct hit ] in lavish comfort - I used to have a link to the schematics and promo photties.. quite posh with its own bedsit and ensuite bath and all the latest ' scouting/surveillance ' addons..comes with airlocks for doors..could easily be stored in thev hold.

    Properly supplied everyone could decamp to the Canadian Arctic which should be a tropical paradise by then due to global warming..
  11. "A special committee would have to be appointed to study and recommend the criteria to be employed, but off-hand, I should say that in addition to the factors of youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills, it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included, to impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time and little to do. With the proper breeding techniques, and starting with a ratio of, say, ten women to each man, I should estimate the progeny of the original group of 200,000 would emerge a hundred years later as well over a hundred million. Naturally the group would have to continually engage in enlarging the original living space..."

    "You mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Wouldn't that necessitate abandoning the so-called monogamous form of sexual relation-ship?"

    "Regrettably, yes. But it is a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to perform prodigious service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics, which will have to be of a highly stimulating order...." :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
  12. The end of the world now involves us all having a harem. Fcuking brilliant!

    Anyhow, thanks Supertrooper, you are a prince amongst men for so compellingly bringing to life the Route-To-Hell-Master.

    A sixth form netball team in your next schematic would be most welcome! :D
  13. 'Tis indeed a scary scenario the end of the world - armageddon (as in armageddon out of here) is the only answer.
    what weapon would I want - well I quite fancy one of those six guns in the westerns that never seems to need reloading - still dont know how they do that.
    what is the threat - i agree with the zombie plague - unfortunately I live in Sussex and agree with the comments re the residents of brighton (how many of brighton's straight residents does it take to change a light bulb - both of them) - but has he been to hastings - apparently a young lad there told a teacher his parents were getting divorced and wanted to know if they would still be brother and sister.
    not sure about the netball team - can I have the last 16 teams in the womens sand volley ball at the olympics
    lets face it, when the time comes your last words are quite likely to be;- brace yourself - im coming in dry
  14. The end of civilisation as we know it will be heralded not by zombies, but by mongs which, lets face it, are the next best thing. These legions of doom will roam aimlessly, scratching at windows and doors, moaning "Mllaaarrrrrr" endlessly in their search for victims. Anyone bitten by these evil beings will slowly turn into one, the process of transformation being complete when your first pension payment arrives. The best way to kill these fiends is with a baseball bat to the head, they can be despatched by other means, but this way is the most fun.