Its a Friday....joke

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Goatman, Oct 21, 2005.

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  1. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    Courtesy of Warner Music Incorporated:


    The weekend has landed....enjoy people !



    Le Chevre
     
  2. Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    A. Ask your mother.

    Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

    Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    A. Wiped his ass.

    Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
    A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

    Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
    A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

    Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
    A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

    Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
    A. You know she'll swallow.

    Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
    A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

    Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

    Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
    A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

    Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
    A. Same thing as a "quickie,” only you do it yourself.

    Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
    A. A golden retriever.

    Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
    A. A mechanic!

    Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
    A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
    A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

    Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
    A. The one with the dirty knees.

    Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A. A battery has a positive side.

    Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
    A. The blonde, because she's 18.

    Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
    A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour lock.

    Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
    A. "Are you in?" or "Is it in?"

    Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
    A. "Honey, I'm home!"

    Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
    A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

    Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
    A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

    Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
    A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

    Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
    A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

    Q. How can you tell a macho women?
    A. She rolls her own tampons.

    Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
    A: Hairballs.

    Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
    A: Crust.

    Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
    A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
     
  3. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    Dunno - all I get is the screen and a dit saying 'done'....work pc doesn't like anything with javascript enabled :-(

    from yesterday's FHM Honey A Day - www.fhm.com/honeysuncut

    :)
     
  4. Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

    He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in
    An accident'

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
    President sits, head in hands finally, the President looks up and asks..........

    "How many is a Brazillion ??!"

    Made me chuckle anyway!!!
     
  5. Whats the difference between an Essex Girl and a fridge?

    The fridge doesn't complain when you take your meat out.....
     
  6.  
  7. :oops: I am obviously sh1te at remembering jokes :(
     
  8. Englishman, Paddy & Porridge_Wog talking in a bar:

    Porridge_Wog: I went into me 16 year old daughters bedroom and found a bottle a whisky ba the side of her beeed. 16 years and I did nay know she drank !

    Englishman: I went into my 16 year old daughters bedroom and found a packet of fags next to the bed. 16 years and I didn't know she smoked !

    Paddy: I went into my 16 year old daughters bedroom and by the side of her bed was a packet of Johnnies. 16 years and I didn't know she was a bloke.
     
  9. On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.
     
  10. Andy joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in the desert, far from any town. During his orientation session, he asked the sergeant what the legionnaires did when they had to relieve their urge. "The desert provides, son," the sergeant said. "When you feel the need at night go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick in the hole and you'll get relief." Andy was very sceptical, but soon he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. Sure enough, a pair of warm lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy. Andy suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the next night and the third. But on the fourth night, when he thrust his penis in, nothing happened. He rushed back, found the sergeant and asked him what the hell was going on. "Forgot to tell you," the sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut."