Italys got talent......and mongs!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by hallveg, Jun 12, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Evening chaps.

    I'm not sure if mongo threads are still aloud its been a while since I saw one.

    Anyway this one is sort of pro-mong so should be ok.

    Tonight I had the "pleasure" of sitting through 2 hours of what can only be described as hell on earth.
    Little Veg was playing in her annual piano recital tonight and to be fair to the little gob shiite she was very good, unfortunately for me she was 23rd in a list of 34 of some of the worst noise makers I have ever had the displeasure of having to listen to. And to top it off I was at a doo last night with a free bar! I felt like the kids where actually in my head. Honestly why do some parents force there obviously talentless kids into torturing an instrument? its beyond my understanding, anyway, things where moving along (at a painfully slow pace) then number 21 was announced and down the isle stomped a mong! He never actually had any laboons tied to him but in my mind he had 4 and they where all brightly coloured.

    My god I was excited, all I could think was "please, please, please God let it be playing the drums!" and to my absolute delight, he was led over to the drum kit. Now each kid so far had done 2 songs, one a sort of demo of there scales etc and the other to show off to some music played over a loud speaker system, and fair play to the little fella he banged away on the drums and symbols like a man possessed, the drum instructor gave the nod, and the speaker sparked into life, with a loud screech...

    It was at this point the mong shit himself and started twaating the drums like he was being attacked by them! It was genius, the man who decided to put him up there was a comedy God! he went fecking ape, shouting and spitting, drool almost killed a bloke in the front row. Eventually his handler had to come down to get him and half drag the by now demented dementor back up to the back and out the door where he no doubt had to be subdued with icecream. I was not the only person there who thought it was funny, but I was the only one who openly laughed and clapped, and was only prevented from doing a standing ovation by an rather un happy Mrs Veg.

    Question is, am I going straight to Hell or is laughing at clearly distressed mentally handicapped children aloud now?

    yours hopefully


    My spelling and grammer is wannk, I know it ok. I was going to spend another hour correcting it then thought nah its in the NAAFI.
  2. You are going to hell. However, you'll really lighten the place up.
  3. If your going to hell for laughing that at you will be in good company when you get there.

    I saw a similiar episode at a nephews school talent show. There was a mong there who was playing the recorder and he completely fcuked up his breathing somehow, he was breathing out when it should have been in and vice versa. He ended up just shooting snot and drool in it, out of it and all over it, the recorder was just making sounds like a cat being groomed with a blowtorch. Seeing things go south the recorder was removed by a keeper, it looked like it had been licked by something out of Aliens, he was then handed a triangle which he smacked off his head once, that kicked of the tears and the triangle and stick were then lobbed into row Z. I was fucking shaking with laughter, the tears were running down my face and I found later I was actually bruised by my sister digging me in the ribs and telling me to "fcuking sort myself out"
  4. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    many moons ago, when a younger (and much thinner) Maguire was attending sixth form college, the college was also home to a large contingent of special needs pupils - we all used to congregate in the same common room, ands we'd always be helping out with them and giving their social worker (a total diamond of a bloke) a hand when we could.
    I have vivid memories of returning from holiday one morning, and sitting about waiting for people to show their faces, when one of the special needs girls walked in, said hello to everyone, sat down in the middle of the room, calmly raised her dress and began to pleasure herself in front of everyone. you try explaining that that sort of thing isnt done in public to a girl with severe Down's... if you're going to hell, we'll see you down there. :(
  5. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    tsk. TSK. :oops:
  6. Brightened my evening up, thanks for that!! :clap: :clap:
  7. When a mere tadpole, I and a couple of friends attended a summer fete in the grounds of the local mong hospital.

    There was a live band playing and we got up and played a couple of numbers with them.

    After we'd finished, the daughter of the fete organiser came up to us with some ice cream cornets for contributing to the entertainment.

    I took mine graciously, screwed my face up into my best mong look, said 'Ta' in a deep, mong voice and planted the ice cream square into my forehead and sidled off , making strange mong mlaarr noises and dragging one leg behind me, much to everyone's amusement, apart from the boss mong nurse who didn't see the funny side!
  8. p*ssing myself laughing. :D
  9. [​IMG]

    Did they look like this.....?
  10. Ahhh, it's not a mong thread until someone shows that picture :twisted: .
  11. Bad taste but very funny
  12. The concept that anyone could be born both Italian and disabled has completely f@cked my skull. I mean God must know that that is just wrong. I mean what did the poor f@cker do to deserve that?

    God if your listening, your wrong and you know you are!
  13. I suppose this is as good a place as any to pose what may be the lost outragious question since since the little Goffer tw@t asked Rolland Rat if he was cute?
    Namely is there some form of Mong "arms race" to be cool. Italian Mong has certainly decided that a drum set will improve his street cred. Not simply Forrest Gump cred, I mean a game attempt at the REAL THING.

    To protect the "innocent" I have decided to call a certain Mong living in the Mid-West, "Cool Mong".
    On the way to work, I daily drive past a Mong waiting for the proverbial "Short Bus" (had to wait behind it a few times as "Cool Mong" Mlaarred his way on). After several months, certain observations became inescapeable.

    Cool Mong, has decided that a Mowhawk , black hair so far, looks good a Mong noggin. Sadly he has not been able to use the clippers on a regular enough bases to ensure that his scalp is close cropped, more than once or twice a month. (Forcing one to wonder if some one is worried about him cutting his own throat if allowed unfettered access to sharp instruments)

    Cool Mong has also decided that it will improve his manly charms, by sporting a tan that makes him look like a roast chestnut (He is a Caucasian, despite being a Mongol). I mean this lad makes david Hasselhof look anemic. Given he sported said tan throughout the Winter, Cool Mong must have spent hours on a sun bed to gain the desired hue.
    As his parents/ legal guardian, was sensible enough to not allow him near a sharp cutting implement (Clippers, spazmodic twitching and trip to E.R. spring to mind), I am perplexed how they thought a sun bed (the electrical power needed, along with Mong drool could hardly thought to be safe given the obvious electrocution risk this presents)

    Cool Mong has also get a identifiable "dress sense". He has a taste runs to brightly coloured leather jackets (Think Wacko Jacko in his "Thriller phase"), as well as the felt like Baseball jackets worn be "Varsity" (School sports team) students in the U.S.A.
    Cool Mong will have a differing jacket on each morning of the week. Now I accept, that the Summer thus far in the Mid west has been Cool, but Cool Mong must be cool, as he has worn said jackets every morning until this week when the term ended.

    Now Cool Mong has the following qualities in his "favour". He has the hair of a true Rebel without a clue. A David Hasslehof tan of a true "star". The Wacko Jacko Jacket, bright enough that even Stevie Wonder could see him in broad daylight. The vacant Mong thousand yard stare the women just love.

    Call me churlish, but there is something "missing' from what I define as "cool" and what Cool Mong defines as "Cool" (70 IQ points aside)
    Perhaps i should sneak a note in his letter box, seggesting he adopt the drums? I hesitate, as Cool Mong may have done so already (even a Cool Mong will not tote out a drum set while awaiting his golden chariot of fire (short bus to YOU)

    Did I mention, he is sociable too?. After seeing me laughing and pointing at him on several mornings (Political Correctness is not one of MY strong points), Cool Mong waves to me as a drive past now.
    No need to tell me, I KNOW I am damned to Hell.
  14. hallveg, maguire and indy..

    If you're in hell before me - very unlikely -get the BBQ fired up (like we'll need it?).

    I don't care how many joey deacons or mongs you bring to the piish up, chilling the booze will be your problem...

  15. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Stephen Hawking went on a date a few weeks ago.

    He was found later that evening in hospital with 3 broken ribs, a broken wrist, a snappe ankle and a fractured skull.

    His friends asked him what happened and he said "She stood me up"