Israel Unveils Plans for Massive Hummus-Themed Resort

Via Qifa Nabki
TEL AVIV, Israel — Fresh on the heels of a successful Lebanese bid to win the Guinness World Record for the largest plate of hummus, the Israeli Ministry of Tourism has announced plans to steal back the record by launching a massive “hummus-themed luxury resort and spa” in the north of the country.

“Hummus-Land” (pronounced khoo-moos-land) will feature an enormous lagoon filled with hummus in which holiday-goers “will be able to swim, take canoe rides, and rejuvenate their bodies through the healing antioxidizing power of puréed chickpeas.”

The lagoon will feature a meandering “lazy creek”, a wave pool, several cascading waterfalls, and even a shark reef — all filled with hummus.

“The total volume of hummus that is pumped through the park each day will exceed a million cubic meters,” said the executive director of the Hummus-Land project, Amos Cohen. “This will make the Lebanese 2,506 kilogram dish seem like a joke,” he said, snickering. “Our kiddie pool alone will have twenty times that much hummus in it.”

Mr. Cohen said that there were also plans to incorporate other “ancient Israeli dishes like zaatar, couscous, shawarma, and falafel” into the park’s attractions. One ride that is currently under development, Falafel Mountain, would send thrill-seekers on an eight-minute roller-coaster ride, tunneling inside a giant falafel the size of a football stadium.

“All the materials would be organic and edible, which are obviously not suitable for building,” admits Mr. Cohen. “But we are confident that a new breakthrough technology developed by an Israeli company will enable us to turn the falafel mix into a kind of durable cement,” he said, adding quickly, “It would still be edible, though.”

The project is sure to inflame Lebanese-Israeli tensions, not least because of the location of the site chosen for Hummus Land: the Shebaa Farms, a disputed twelve-mile strip on the border of the two countries.

“Israel is a crowded country,” said Mr. Cohen. “There is no room for a project on this scale. So why not make use of Shebaa? It’s not like we’re ever going to give it back to the Lebanese, the poor bastards.”

A spokesman for the Association of Lebanese Industrialists (which sponsored the Lebanese bid for the world record) could not reached for comment.

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