Is it really British or is it just me?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by on_leave, Nov 3, 2007.

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  1. For most of this year I have had the luck to be in a relationship with a German woman, who is everything I like. Intelligent, imaginative and uninhibited in and out of bed, much younger and more attractive than I am, and no I'm not just writing this for her to read. It just happens to be completely true. Even I have trouble believing it. Not to mention the old hags who denounce us ("is he your daddy?", or "she's just after your money!") when we stroll along the Strasse together or feel each other in the U-Bahn. But a couple of times we have had very serious "misunderstandings", because I have said something that has cut her to the quick. The last time (and I hope it is not really the VERY LAST TIME), it went something like this. My memory is not completely clear because my head was still muzzy from a cold and it was latish (or is that late-ish?). Anyway, after a very pleasant hour or so (I'm guessing) of sexual playing around incorporating the conventional (sorry about that) fcuk, she asked the equivalent of "how was it for you?". My answer led to her getting up and taking a prolonged shower, which rather threw me (if that means anything when you're already lying down). Why did she feel a pressing need to be squeaky clean just then, that wasn't like her. She was under the shower for quite a time, and I drifted off to sleep soon after she came back I think. Anyway, to cut a short story even shorter, we are now finished "for good", because of what I said. Apparently I said that it was "boring". I can only imagine that I thought I was saying something so obviously absurd that no one in their right mind would take it seriously. Especially after an energetic session where a certain part of a man's body (if that's not too prudish for this forum) is very hard put to do much pretending. But it seems that I still have some way to go in my understanding of German culture. And I'm beginning to wonder whether my "explanation" that my behaviour stems from my British background might indeed be a bit thin, and maybe I really am the barsteward she now thinks I am. The one who is just a thin film of scum over an abbyss of evil, which is just waiting for an opportunity to do what ever it is that an abbyss might do when its time comes.
    I am not looking for support, but any informed and honest opinions out there. Though that might be a bit much to expect from this forum, I realise. Anyway, here goes. Only myself to blame.
     
  2. wah!!!!

    move on she already has
     
  3. Stand-by.
     
  4. Standby
     
  5. She is a German, therefore a descendant of a Stuka pilot and scat fanatic.

    Gas the whore, tell her she is a crap shag then gather her family up on a Bavarian hillside and let them have it with an MG-34

    Consider the cowboy boot wearing, crap jeans and silly haircutted Hasslehoff fan a bit of jewellry, then go boasting to her dad 'You may have flattened the east end of London, but my seed has flooded your daughters mouth, snatch and anus'

    Then give him a dig from Bomber command and move on to the next one.
     
  6. Can i have her number if you don't have a use for her anymore?
     
  7. Blx, why did i waste my time reading that shite, thought it were gonna get more interesting

    tell her to fek orf unless shes gonna put more effort in
     
  8. You have got to be fukcing joking! She left you because you told her sex was boring, I think you will find that she is an oversensative cow who deserves all she gets in this world. Oh and you should go back to being an arse bandit
     
  9. Demonstrate your love for her by bursting into her flat screaming,

    "Raus, Juden, Raus!"

    Kick in random doors whilst shouting obscenities in guttural German, spitting at your ex throughout. Ensure that she follows you from room to room by dragging her by the hair.

    Strip her clothes off ripping and destroying them as you do and ram her naked body up against the most publicly exposed window.

    Enter her dry from behind, thrusting savagely until you shoot your angry acid-like seed deep in her.

    The above should ensure her swift return to you. If not, then phone her at random times shouting phrases such as,


    "Achtung! Spitfeur!", "Gott und Himmel, schweinhund!" and "Deutchland, Deutchland uber alles"
     
  10. L M A O !
     
  11. Wah!

    If its not - see MDN's advice - and ask her if you can have one last go!
     
  12. Can I be your girlfriend?
     
  13. dry your eyes as she is getting better sex elsewhere already!!
     
  14. Omg, I went purple holding my breath from the lack of grammar.

    She's moved on mate and probably doing the pink pole dance with one of your mates who doesn't find her so "boring".
     
  15. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes


    Sadly he prefers boys. Perhaps a strategically placed pair of balled up socks may be the way forward?