Is it possible to be nostalgic about swamping the bed?

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#81
I still occasionally crack the dhobi basket when arseholed

worst thing is when away from home, I'm sure the subconscious bed-bog route I have in my headgets plays out where ever I am....Get out of bed, find the floor, stand up, turn left, walk ten paces,open door, swamp

And I have a strange sleep walking anti swamp mechanism which finds me sleeping in baths/showers with the water on, sometimes to the point of hypothermia. No idea why or how it happens

Its normally short sharp pints sessions that do for me, leo sayers and glugging red wine leave my soft furnishing dry as Teresa Mays twat

..."dry as Theresa May's twat". I intend to shoehorn that into some misogynistic innuendo over the weekend.

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#82
count yourselves lucky Im a member of the 'every night club' and I don't even drink, believe me the novelty soon wears off
 
#83
I cant ever remember swamping, but last week I was staying at an hotel in Dubai prior to taking an overnight flight. Having had more than several pints of Guinness in the hotel bar, I went to the bog to empty out and feeling the turtles head about to touch sock staggered into a cubicle for a satisfying dump. Being full of beer and bonhomie, I pissed like a fire hose. After a good wipe with high class 4 star toilet paper, I discovered, as I pulled me Keck's up, that my fire hose strength piss had gone straight through the gap between the mahogany shitter seat and the porcelain and straight into me strides. As I came out of the bog walking like a cowboy, one of the bar staff told me that my car had arrived to take me to the airport. Timing is everything!
I don't suppose you were on a flight to Manchester were you? I vaguely remember waiting to board an Emirates flight in 2009 and seeing a bloke in his early to mid 60's wearing pissed trousers in the lounge.
 
#84
I don't suppose you were on a flight to Manchester were you? I vaguely remember waiting to board an Emirates flight in 2009 and seeing a bloke in his early to mid 60's wearing pissed trousers in the lounge.
Not me I have never flown to personchester from anywhere
 
#85
#86
But I did once fly from Seoul to Honkers in white strides with piss all down one leg.

This was due to being hosted the night before in a broth er karaoke bar until about 05:00 and being beyond blootered.

We were taken from the bar to the hotel to pick up our gear and thence to the airport.

At the airport we searched for a bog for ages, apart from desperately needing a piss I needed to clean the lipstick off me nob.

We eventually found a bog in the nick of time and I proceeded to hit the urinal with the force of a Sykes Univac 3 inch sludge pump.

I steadied the toilet from swaying around by grasping the rim of the pisser but staggered a bit and pissed all down me leg.

White trousers.

At the entrance to departures there was a farewell committee waiting to bid us farewell.

God only knows what they thought.
 
#87
Contrary to my nick on here I've only ever swamped one pit as an adult.

It was in the cells of Whitehaven Police Station though, so I should get bonus points.
 
#88
Contrary to my nick on here I've only ever swamped one pit as an adult.

It was in the cells of Whitehaven Police Station though, so I should get bonus points.
I'm a Whitehaven lad, can't say I've swamped the 5-0's cells though, I must have moved away before the "rites of passage" started.

Before I joined up as a regular, I was in the RMR, I remember getting smashed (hip flask full of brandy and 1 x 1 litre of Smirnoff Red) whilst on exercise in sunny Otterburn in late January 1997. I ended up getting kicked awake to go on stag at around 0500hrs, I remember stretching, thinking "fûcking hell, my head hurts", then realising that my dossbog was frozen to my rollmat and thusly the cold, cold ground.

As I was a sensible lad, even back then - I had a tendency to sleep on exercise completely starkers (boots and socks were worn though) and keep my pants dry in the internal pockets of my dossbag. My doss bag was piss-wet through as were my knickers. But A quick ship shower with wet-wipes sorted me out so I stuck fresh kit on and went on stag.

I came back off stag an hour later, cleaned my gat, drowned my dossbag and knickers in a nearby stream and hung it up in the harbour area, adminned myself and was good to go.

11 hours later when we came back in off the ground, suitably thrashed - my dossbag was clean, dry and very, very, very cold.

I only wish my admin was that good once I'd joined up, but then the Royal Signals don't really do admin very well, just bullshit.
 
#89
/\ I was on leave with another Bootneck from Whitehaven, whose Dad worked the doors of some club/pub/house that had an optic of Tesco vodka.
As defenders of the Nation and super 19 year old Commandos, we got lashed up (read someone bought us a lager top).
After a bit of dancing and unsuccessful trapping, I decided some fresh air was in order and went out for a cig.
The good constables outside thought my repeated falling down and head butting of the pavement meant I was drunk and incapable.
I had them fooled though, as I was more than capable of leaving a map of Africa stain on their lumpy mattress.
Result was a £10 fine from the Magistrates Court.
I fooled the Clerk of the Court as well, as the cheque I sent bounced!
My CSM was not amused when he got the phone call.
 
#90
I recentley attaended the funeral , of a old Coy pal , and the stories of said dear departed mucker . Came thick and fast , we could only recount the "clean" tales to our late pal's antics to his family . But when the lad reached his 18th birthday in Berlin , he achieved the double , is that not only did he swamp his mattress . He also farted and followed through .The CQMS went hysterical , his other three roomies gagged .
 
#91
My tale comes from 1978 and Spr Ming has just finised his class 1 muck shifters course at 12 RSME Chattenden and on the weekend before going back to our units, the end of course piss-up had taken place . However on the Sat morning I'd had a visitation from the swamp monkey and he'd left me a full house , ie piss, shit and puke.
Now then back in those days a written off mattress was the huge sum of £13 and there was no way I was paying that and a cunning plan was hatched to fool the hard faced civvy bitch who ran the bedding store.
The sheets and outer mattress cover were boil washed and ironed - job jobbed.
Next the green stripey inner cover was carefully unstitched and again boil washed however the plan went all skew wiff when I tried to stuff the foam rubber back inside the cover and horror of horrors it had shrunk leaving 6ins of foam sticking out of the end , nothing for it , out with the knife and the offending 6ins of foam was lopped off and the mattress carefully re-stitched.
Fast forward to the bedding store on leaving day , hard faced bitch inspects mattress , signs the leaving chit and hands me back my 1033. I was out the door as quick as flynn and away.
A couple of years later I met up with one of the other lads who'd been on the course with me and had been at the back of the queue in the bedding store and had noticed that in the pile of mattreses there was one 6ins shorter than the rest and the hard faced bitch's face was absolutely tripping her so much so that every body else got a bill for a cleaning charge whether it needed it or not . Sorry lads I guess I owe you £7.
 
#92
Not having technically swamped, i did though after a scheme piss in my girlfriend's wardrobe, oh and once all over her clothes that were on a chair. I now always have a torch next to the bed.She did marry me though:?
 
#93
Jesus fuck, I only logged in six hours ago to shitpost about this very subject, and I've ended up writing six fucking essays. Fuck.

What I wanted to say was...

I wonder how many of you that have suffered 'urinary incontinence' have originally had a traumatic brain injury.

Tramautic Brain Injury and Incontinence | Men's Liberty

That's a quick link that I just found. But I did research this a few years ago after I got quite a bad head injury and ended up 'swamping the bed' myself on several occasions.

Traumatic brain injury leads to incontinence when involved systems are compromised.

Urinary incontinence is quite common with traumatic brain injury, particularly in the first several weeks. Injury to the frontal lobes causes loss of cortical control of urination.


I never swamped the bed before I got my head injury. After it happened, every time I got pissed it happened with decreasing frequency. The first few weeks were bad. The first few months in fact.

It's not happened now for a decade or so. Maybe once, possibly twice. But that is when I was balls to the wall ripped to the tits.

There is quite a bit of medical research on this, and I've lost it now, but I'd be interested to know how many of you got some bangs to the head before you started doing this.

Also, the fact it happened a lot after my head trauma also gives credence to the research - it goes away after a while as your brain readjusts and rights itself. Just something to consider.

It was a bit embarrassing for a while though. Went to a party full of beautiful tall Scandinavians in Finsbury Park. Had a great time. People thought the world of me. That is, until I slept there over night and pissed on their very expensive sofa and carpet. It was a deluge!

Fuck 'em - boring Scandi bastards. Bet they never pissed on anyone's expensive sofa!

The best part was, I was so ripped to the tits still in the morning, that I got up and made myself a little breakfast, cordially chatting with my new friends from the previous night, not even noticing that they were being a little 'cold' with me.

It was then the horror struck when I went back in to find the host aggressively ripping the expensive cushions off the expensive sofa and me innocently asking 'why?'.

Fuck. That was pretty bad. I'm not proud of it.

I might be imagining it, or it might be a flashback to a nightmare, but I swear I saw a line of about 20 Scandi bastards in a row, arms folded, heads shaking from side to side, and tut tutting.

It's about then that I wake up. Was it just a dream? Bit like being chased down the road, when you are naked, by a giant sausage!

Fuck them. They were all at least three inches taller than me (and I'm over six foot), and they were definitely better looking. So I don't regret it at all.

Just wish I'd shat my pants as well. That would have been the icing on the cake, so to speak.

With hindsight, I'm glad that didn't happen, thinking about it.

It was a very public humiliation. And once again, when I got home and looked at my face in the mirror, I again muttered those immortal words: You've only got yourself to blame!

At least I won't be stuck for an epitaph on my tombstone.
 
#94
I've never done it myself, my bladder is like Fort Knox.

But I do have fond memories of a guy in the shower block at Penally camp, a total blubbing mess saying "I'm 35 years old, I'm a grown man. What am I doing??
Sat naked in a cubicle, in a puddle of his rather liquid faeces.

It's an enduring image.
 
#95
Jesus ****, I only logged in six hours ago to shitpost about this very subject, and I've ended up writing six ******* essays. ****.

What I wanted to say was...

I wonder how many of you that have suffered 'urinary incontinence' have originally had a traumatic brain injury.

Tramautic Brain Injury and Incontinence | Men's Liberty

That's a quick link that I just found. But I did research this a few years ago after I got quite a bad head injury and ended up 'swamping the bed' myself on several occasions.

Traumatic brain injury leads to incontinence when involved systems are compromised.

Urinary incontinence is quite common with traumatic brain injury, particularly in the first several weeks. Injury to the frontal lobes causes loss of cortical control of urination.


I never swamped the bed before I got my head injury. After it happened, every time I got pissed it happened with decreasing frequency. The first few weeks were bad. The first few months in fact.

It's not happened now for a decade or so. Maybe once, possibly twice. But that is when I was balls to the wall ripped to the tits.

There is quite a bit of medical research on this, and I've lost it now, but I'd be interested to know how many of you got some bangs to the head before you started doing this.

Also, the fact it happened a lot after my head trauma also gives credence to the research - it goes away after a while as your brain readjusts and rights itself. Just something to consider.

It was a bit embarrassing for a while though. Went to a party full of beautiful tall Scandinavians in Finsbury Park. Had a great time. People thought the world of me. That is, until I slept there over night and pissed on their very expensive sofa and carpet. It was a deluge!

**** 'em - boring Scandi bastards. Bet they never pissed on anyone's expensive sofa!

The best part was, I was so ripped to the tits still in the morning, that I got up and made myself a little breakfast, cordially chatting with my new friends from the previous night, not even noticing that they were being a little 'cold' with me.

It was then the horror struck when I went back in to find the host aggressively ripping the expensive cushions off the expensive sofa and me innocently asking 'why?'.

****. That was pretty bad. I'm not proud of it.

I might be imagining it, or it might be a flashback to a nightmare, but I swear I saw a line of about 20 Scandi bastards in a row, arms folded, heads shaking from side to side, and tut tutting.

It's about then that I wake up. Was it just a dream? Bit like being chased down the road, when you are naked, by a giant sausage!

**** them. They were all at least three inches taller than me (and I'm over six foot), and they were definitely better looking. So I don't regret it at all.

Just wish I'd shat my pants as well. That would have been the icing on the cake, so to speak.

With hindsight, I'm glad that didn't happen, thinking about it.

It was a very public humiliation. And once again, when I got home and looked at my face in the mirror, I again muttered those immortal words: You've only got yourself to blame!

At least I won't be stuck for an epitaph on my tombstone.
Ouch. Cringe.
 
#96
I never swamped the bed before I got my head injury. After it happened, every time I got pissed it happened with decreasing frequency. The first few weeks were bad. The first few months in fact.
For what is quite possibly the badgers-est, daftest thread on here, this is a really useful and helpful response...
 

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