Is it just me?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Apr 1, 2005.

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  1. When i'm in my car, I can only fart properly when I have the clutch depressed, so that my left leg is straight.

    Have I got a weird gas expulsion system, or is this fairly standard?
  2. Yes. I have no clutch in my car, and I can fart totally adequately, thank you very much
  3. Yeh but you drive one of those blue 3-wheel invalid carriages dont you Stoaty? :D
  5. when driving i always have to lift my arrse off the seat and then open a window, the second bit is instinct but for the life of me dont know why i cant remain seated during the first.
  6. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    I spend longer squeezed into a train seat and cheek lifting is no longer an option. I have the ability to let rip and tickle my nuts with the passing gas. I fingd it handy as I can plead innocent on a packed commuter train whilst letting fly with ale and curry powered emmissions. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmnice!
  7. Perhaps the extension of my left pin induces a slight cheek lifting mechanism. I do tend to dress to the left in all things boll-ocky, maybe this carries through to farting.

    As for opening the window Mooch, why don't you just go the whole hog and put a dress on. Theres nothing better, on a long drive up the M6 or other long road, than surrounding yourself with the proceeds of a good fart.

    I love the couple of tantalising sniffs you get of fresh air, before the fart has made it up to your nose. Then, 'BANG,' it's all the fun of the fair as you get premium strength marsh gas 'straight from the crick.' On that first blast I usually do an impression of Gary Oldman when he snorts meth in Leon.

    Try it, mate. It'll make the journey fly by, although, on a note of caution, that bloke who went to jail for driving his car off the motorway and on to that train track, had been indulging in a bit of 'methane horseplay.'
  8. I always wear a dress when driving! dont all men? :wink:
  9. I've been out on site all week and have been creating my own in-car entertainment for the duration.

    I got stuck in the office today and forgot myself a bit.

    There was nobody around all morning, and whilst I was in the middle of typing up a report, I felt a big one brewing. I quickly followed the fart cross code and checked both ways to make sure no one was coming, then treated myself to a leisurely grumble, which stank the room out. Before it had dispersed to a safe 'that was someone else' distance, a woman from admin came down to grill me about my expenses.

    I sat there hoping she wouldn't notice, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she went the colour of a post-it and her legs went wobbly.

    Maybe i'll put some 'man farting' signs out next time.
  10. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    My best ones smell like the rotting cabbage and cats piss alley behind a take away smell, I work lonng and hard to dutch oven the wife with these!
  11. I had to drive from Tidworth from Wilton to go for an interview with my CO, early in the morning after a heavy mess do. In truth, I was probably skirting close to the drink/drive limit eight hours after I'd stopped drinking, and I felt like shite. Anyway, had the interview (with coffee but no biscuits) and got back in the motor, and decided to crank one out to keep myself entertained during the drive home. I did this as I let the clutch in and drove away from the security post at the entrance, but I suddenly realised the stench was so bad I had to pull into the side of the road and wind the window down. The smell was so rank, and so long lasting, that I was convinced I'd followed through heavily, even though it didn't feel like it. Anyway I hadn't, but the car still stank of it three hours later when I drove down to Bulford to go for a swim.

    But who says motor-farts aren't fun?
  12. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Same here - complete dressing to the left.
    It even continues to following-through, or more properly a liquid deposit in the heads.

    If I've had a decent stir to my bowels & make it through to the kahzi in time to drop the explosion into the pan, something odd happens.
    As we know, the spray is actually hemispherical and will liberally coat both cheeks and oblierate the words Armitage-Shanks with a soft, pliable pebble-dashing, why is it that my left nut gets a larger portion of fizzy-gravy than the right ?
  13. cutaway, may i suggest you shove a carrot(or other phallic article) up your rear shute, this should loosen the ring over time and thus adjust the normal projectile direction.
    cant say that mine ever hits my nadgers tho mate,ill get back to you when they have dropped. :twisted:
  14. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    You haven't posted under another similarly sounding name claiming to be female have you ?
  15. Not seen to that mate, i keep it real with just the one membership.......per gender!! :lol:

    seriously tho, No.