Irritating creditors.

After the letter about being sued by a fat cripple, I went through my invoices looking for people to irritate.

I found a letter from a rat catching / death to pest outift I employed month in month out to keep rodents away from a couple of empty units.

I flogged them a few months ago and I recently got a snotty demand for 99 quid.

I'm just about to post this.

Mr Mc-CON-ville

Re: Alleged outstanding amount

Dear Mark

With reference to the above I comment as follows.

Forgive me for my clear oversight in not paying a chap who minces into a property with a big red bald head, spreads gossip, slavers on people, breaks wind, squirts some watery repellent and leaves.

When I called you for your services, there was a small rat like creature approximately 22 millimeters long (forgive the inaccuracy, my micrometer is faulty) By the time you bothered to turn up and give it a shampoo it was the size of small pony or Irish Wolfhound, four of my customers were bitten and have since moved to Carnforth where the rodents are notably smaller (bear this in mind if you are considering franchising)

When you left I took a swab of the water you sprinkled, journeyed home to Castle Christopher and rubbed it into the eyes of my Daughters hamster…. You’ll not be surprised to hear that it had no adverse effect and still used its wheel at 34 revolutions per minute as before. The eye patch I’d manufactured for it, just in case remains in a the kitchen cupboard next to the fridge in case you need to inspect for evidence.

I put it to you Mr Mc-CON-ville that you attempted to have me over.

I must also point out that the court costs you quoted me are a little inaccurate and out of date, it does in fact cost seventy five pounds to issue proceedings. Add this to the ninetynine pounds you aren’t going to get and I think you’ll realize it would have been better to stay in bed that morning.

It’s a shame you have done this, I’ve just signed a deal with Disneyworld and I am now of first name terms with Sir Micheal Mouse and Baron Roland Rat of Shropshire….. Shame, I’m sure they would appreciate a shampoo.

Your attempt at luring rodents into my Establishment failed, the food prepared in there was far more abhorrent than anything you could put down. Although may I humbly enquire where you got that badger bait from, I’d like to hold a gentlemans evening and the thought of badgers fighting excites me.

You’ll be advised to note that I am immune from any proceedings due to the judges being my bitches and them living in my pockets. You also owe me a dry cleaning fee for an Aquascutum Japanese Admirals suit which you spat and slavered all over during the course of the conversation. All in all your case holds less water than my rather tired underpants.

If you can bring me the carcass or marked grave details of any rodents you removed from my property I will gladly donate your fee to a charity of my choosing, ie the bar at the castle gardens.

Please note I am also charging you for this letter, which I am having to type whilst inhaling the smoke of a $400 cigar, and I’ve missed the Bill…… You sir will have to pay.

Your business with further suffer as I am copying this letter to HRH Prince Andrew, the lead singer of Echo & the Bunnymen and the chairman of Floors to go…… Any more nonsense from you and I will be contacting Arctic survey department and the decoders at Bletchley park, Sponge bob & Square pants and the writers of ScoobyDoo.

I’m having to contact a member or South Shore hospital to lick the stamp as I have a glue allergy… All on your bill Mr McConville

If I harm myself licking the sharp edges of this envelope I will be demanding compensation from your indemnity insurers and I won’t be fobbed off with the soiled undergarments that you sell on Ebay

Warm regards

Second Sea Lord Christopher of Wrea Green
I think we should each contact one of our creditors to see who we can irritate the most.
I think you may have found a new money earner for the Arrse charity.

Obnoxious, vile and spiteful letters - $100 quid a pop - Guaranteed to win or lose, it doesn't matter.

Arrse Naafi has such a shed full of untalented spiteful git writers that we could keep this going for ever. (I am proud to include myself in that statement).

I've just sent this through to the Electric board.

Dear Electricity swindlers.

Re: Account number XXXXXX934

It would appear on reflection that I have overpaid since moving into this property and would therefore like a refund.

The electricity you provided me is obviuously on a circuit, and therefore is returned to you after I have used it. I have never signed a rental or loan agreement for electricity and am not it posession of any of your posotive or negative electrons.

Please refund me or forward me a loan agreement so I can read your terms and conditions.

If you don't comply there is actually very little I will do but I assure you that the chap that comes to disconnect me will get caked in labrador excrement.

Yours Christopher
And one to the waterboard.

Dear sir

I only drink lilt, vimto and coca cola, I don't flush the lavatory I throw my feaces over next doors fence and p1ss into my own open mouth.

I never bathe, and if I shower I use a watering can from the fishpond, which is filled from rain water.

I find it difficult to believe I cost you 33 pounds per month with the above in mind so with the credits I have amassed can you send me round a decent quality whore.


You're getting good at this. Giving me inspiration for my letter to BT about their cr@p broadband service.

I had a couple of letters like this from ratbags who claim I owed 'em dosh in the past, and they invariably point out that they're entitled to recover the court costs if it ends up in court.

But, if their claim falls under the small claims/fast track procedure (most for less than around the £5k level do) they won't recover any of their legal costs. Also, as defendant, you're entitled to have the case heard at your nearest county court. I find that if I remind them of these facts, most tend to crawl back into the woodwork.
Very good, very funny but are you going to really send them? I think I'll take this attitude in future with these people because I'm giving less of a fcuk every day.

Nice one.
fcuking superb now about the money you owe me for the dental work and cosmetic surgery that i now require after managing to nut myself on the edge of my desk whilst laughing at the first letter. £50 or just a quick fumble dressed in latex and using fairy liquid i will leave the choice to you.
Yep, going to send them.....

What can they possibly do to me?

I don't want anything from them, and if he does issue on me, I'll attend, argue it, have a laugh then if he gets a judgement against me I'll pay him on the 29th day afterwards and the judgement will either not be entered or set aside...... I'll ensure its the most difficult money he's ever earned.
Classic. By the way, how much do Aquascutum charge for their Nippon Nelson gear?, Greenwood's used to be OK but are a bit tight under the katanas.
How much will you charge (for your charity) to send a snotty letter to the NAAFI/EFI for ripping of the very people the lying tossers say they are serving, then talking utter bollocks when someone trys to bring them to account?
(I have my debit card ready)
You put a bid up and I'll right the letter
Do one for me, recently changed to Broadband from dial-up, so trying to cancel one account as i dont need it. After talking to sanji from delhi for an hour at 5p a minute, and loosing the will to live and not kill the indian population i hung up. Just received an email saying thank you and they are going to close my broadband account as requested.

Which i didnt, so now its either a letter to their Complaints management team or declaring war on India, i'll pay a tenner into the help fund for a good letter, and £20 for one which will get a fatwa or whatever set on me.
Dear Sir / NCO I/C Punkawalla Delhi District.

On calling 150 recently I must have inadvertantly pressed 0091 434 247832 as I was connected to a Shanti town in Down town calcutta to a chap in a mud hut claiming to be called 'Steven'

BT are clearly comitting fraud and Data protection rules as giving a false name is in breech.

I mentioned Broadband and he mumbled something about Chicken Balti and kept telling me he was 'belly pleased to be talking with me beautiful day'

Now I'm an ex soldier, therefore not a businessman, but I'm sure as a communications company a fundamental part of aquiring a job with BT is to be able to communicate. Steve had more chance of communicating with a Taleban gun runner than by with a chap from Newport wanting to disconnect a telephone service.

Can you please arrange for a normal person with a grasp of the English language to call me. I understand this eliminates your Darlington, Glasgow and Cardiff call centres but if this can't happen perhaps Steven could translate this 'eat my muddy eye you robbing fraudsters'

fuck i need a new laptop now,
jesus thats classic,
do more man you are a genius.
minister_doh_nut said:
You put a bid up and I'll right the letter
I hope that part is a wah

50 quid and if its any good, I'll have another one later.


Book Reviewer
There's a good book out there called the 'timewaster letters' - great bog reading, but obviously without the delights of a far drier wit.

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