Irritable Bowel Syndrone - shortest flash to bang time?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Gassing_Badgers, Aug 9, 2011.

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  1. Ok, now when I was a youf, I had the constitution and appetite of a bull shark. Nowadays, the slightest anomaly in my diet seems to send my guts into a spin, followed by the need to vent their contents.

    Only this lunchtime, I met the missus for lunch at a mexican restaurant nearby work - steak fajitas for me, yum!

    Literally 45 minutes later I'm back in my office, put the kettle on, start to read emails...slight gurgling from abdomen indicates Mr Pooh is on his way. Still, no problem - didn't snap one off this morning, so obviously those peppers are just helping him on his way...

    Walking down the corridor to the bogs, pains in guts increases to epic proportions, and I seriously begin to wonder if I will make it the 50ft to safety without needing to ease springs in someone's waste paper basket. Walking like an ungainly Thunderbirds puppet chasing a bus, a finally make it to the cubicles and sit down...whereupon a veritable tsunami of shite issues forth, accompanied a a genuine sensation of recoil in the lower torso. Toilet bowl a complete state - all sorts of flotsam and jetsam, including one of two missing Japanese earthquake victims.

    Back in my office now, I feel fine again. Is anyone else prone to these unexpected visitations, and if so, just how quickly can your food provoke an equal and opposite reaction?
  2. Schaden

    Schaden LE Book Reviewer

    mmm sounds like gall stones to me - try eating something fatty and see what the effect is - perhaps while in close proximity to the toilet facilities.
  3. See a doctor,
    the only advice you will get on here is fella's telling you to push lightbulbs and such up your arse,and to indulge in bumming activities.
    neither I fear will cure your ailment.

    eat more bran.
  4. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Well at least that dit explains your user name ;)

  5. No badgers were harmed in the making of this thread...
  6. Rod924

    Rod924 LE Reviewer

    That ain't IBS mate! I got it last year, for about 6 weeks. The cramps had me doubled up and the waves, severity of pain was bloody worrying. Ended up buying fart tablets which helped. I thought it was the big c, but luckily a repeat on tv of Only fools and horses diagnosed my problem....Del boy gets IBS, that one.

    I think it was switching to full fat milk that caused it, so cut that out and hey presto, it went. But not nice at all
  7. Surely you mean "flash to pan time"?
    • Like Like x 1
  8. See a doctor.

    Keep a food diary. It could be any sort of intolerance or ailment.

    Look out for changes in frequency, consistency or urgency. Most of all visit the quack.

    You are excused shaving until then.

    RAMC rep.
  9. You could try pushing lightbulbs and such up your arse and indulge in bumming activities.

    Just an idea..........................
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Took longer than anticipated.
  11. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    No, and who gives a fuck? But I can set your mind to rest on IBS. My ex had it shortly before we divorced and a holiday cottage exploded and a yacht vanished into the mist, never to be seen again.

    The first symptom is, you poke your dick up her anus and about half way up it hits a hard-as-rock pointy turd. This is fucking horrible.

    Shortly afterwards you prove in Court she shagged your mate, the cottage awarded by the Court explodes then the yacht she has a lien on vanishes into the mist.

    So, stick your finger up your girls bum. Now. If you encounter a pointy hard turd, murder her. It will save you a fortune in the long run.