Iraqi jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Bad CO, Sep 20, 2002.

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  1. Bad CO

    Bad CO LE Admin Reviews Editor Gallery Guru

    The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and
    walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands
    and as they walk the Iraqi says,
    "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
    President Bush says
    "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
    The Iraqi whispers
    "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it thereare Russians, and
    and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why
    there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
    President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back,
    "That's because it takes place in the future...."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. The American stunt man, George Dubbya Keneivel has faied his latest stunt. He failed to clear 50 Arabs on his steamroller.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. Geoge Bush is holding a high powered News conference in the White House. At his side is lap dog Blair.

    Bush makes an almighty statement

    "When we and our british friends march into Iraq - we're gonna kill 600,000 muslims and a dentist!!!!!!!!!"

    There's deadly silence..........then one of the reporters stands up and says

    " But Mr President..........Why do you want to kill a dentist???????????????????

    George Bush turns to Tony Blair and says

    " I told you they dont give a toss about the Muslims!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. Wot's the difference between an Iraqi female and a sardine?

    One's got oily, scaly skin and smells of fish.  the other one's a fish...

  5. Yes heard the same line in WREN jokes.

    Whats the difference between a Wren and a Walrus.

    Well ones big fat ands smells of fish and the other one is a walrus
  6. Not a joke, but a tuneful ditty:

    Sing this to the tune of 'If you're happy and you know it'...a...1...2...3......

    If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
    If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
    If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistan is looking shifty, North Korea is too risky,
    Bomb Iraq.

    If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
    If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
    So to hell with the inspections, let's look tough for the elections, close your mind and take directions, bomb Iraq.

    It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
    Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
    They've got weapons we can't see, and that's good enough for me 'cos it's all the proof I need, bomb Iraq.

    If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
    If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
    If you think Saddam's gone mad, with the weapons that he had, (and he tried to kill your dad), bomb Iraq.

    If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
    If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
    If your politics are sleazy, and hiding it ain't easy, and your manhood's getting queasy, bomb Iraq.

    Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
    For our power knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
    Disagree? We'll call it treason, let's make war not love this season, even if we have no reason, bomb Iraq.
  7. When does Saddam have his breakfast?
    When Tariq haz iz

    What have Saddam and Little Miss Muffet got in common?
    Both have Kurds in thier way

    What have General custer and Saddam got in common?
    They don't know where those fu#kin tomhawks are coming from
  8. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,

    "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah."

    "Michael, do you have ! a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my
    Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

  9. ::)

    what have Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad got in common?

    Nothing, yet
  10. This is really a beautiful story.
    Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells
    her father that they learned about the history of
    Valentine's Day.

    "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and
    we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
    giving someone a valentine?"

    Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
    think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
    valentine to?"

    "Saddam Hussein," she says.

    "Why Saddam Hussein ?" her father asks in shock.

    "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
    Jewish girl could have enough love to give Saddam a
    valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
    not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little

    And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines
    to Saddam, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
    start going all over the place to tell everyone how
    much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone

    Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
    with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most
    wonderful thing I've ever heard."

    "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in
    the open, the Uk & Us Forces could blow the shit out of him."
  11. ok more jokes!!  :p

    Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

    A: DUCK!

    Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

    A: You shout out, "B-52"

    Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

    A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

    Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

    A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

    Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?

    A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

    Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

    A: A refund.

    Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

    A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
  12. Iraqi Peace Talks

    Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George bush sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

    They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches bush in the face.

    Confused, bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

    But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

    A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

    "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

    Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. Why do the Iraqi Navy have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see their Air Force.
  14. What is the difference between Saddam and a Trampoline?

    You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

    What is the difference between Saddam and an onion?

    You cry when you hack up an onion.

    Whats the difference between Iraqis and toast?

    You can make soldiers out of toast!
  15. Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?
    Coalition Provisional Authority:

    The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.


    We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

    Muqtada al-Sadr:

    The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

    US Army Military Police:

    We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.


    The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

    1st Cav:

    The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

    Al Jazeera:

    The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.


    We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.


    Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

    U.S. Marine Corps:

    The chicken is dead