Iraq stories.

#2
Once upon a time there were 2 cnuts. Well, actually there were 4. Saddam, George Snr, George W and President Blair......

Saddam upset George Snr who was stopped by the UN from implementing a regime change when the_matelot was still in Primary School.
Along comes the war-dodging, drink-driving son 8 years later who decides to carry out daddies wishes with the help of President Blair. Cunningly he devised a plan where they would argue that Saddam aka George Galloway's paymaster (allegedly) had WMD ready to be deployed inside 45 minutes.
Blair being Dubya's
decided to go along with this. Only this turned out to be a complete and utter fcuk-up of monumentous proportions which has resulted in a regime change that has left the whole country in a worse state that it was under that muppet Saddam with Iran licking its lips and Saudi sh1tting itself.



But Dubya's happy as he had a banana for breakfast.

Grrrrr, woof, woof, good dog......

 
#4
Why do I have the feeling that we all would be safer if the chimp was in charge .... ?
 
#5
Op Telic 4, middle of summer. So there we were doing Eagle VCP's in a Chinook, 3rd one of the day. Normal procedure - Land, run out into cloud of dust, wait for chopper to take off then go into pre-assigned roles i.e. searcher, cut off, rad op etc. So the dust clears and we find we've landed on the outskirts of a little village, fair enough at least we'll actually get some cars to search (previous drop was road in middle of desert). Next thing Abdullah comes running up to us gibbering in something other than the Queens, eventually managing to interpret his wild gestures and random sentences about 'Bush bad, Bliar bad' we discovered that he owned a shop at the side of the road which was now not in such a prime location, yes the downdraft of the rotors had blown him and his tin shelter of a shop over, 'destroying' his stock. $10 later and we were suddenly his best friends and got introduced to all the family. Now that's what I call hearts and minds.

Travelling down to Kuwait, having just gone through border control and getting onto the fairly decent motorway. One of my travelling companions piped up with "It's like being in another country init?" after the obligatory second of silence the taking of the urine commenced.
 
#6
It was a hot summers night during op telic 4. & the boys of a normally busy battle group were out on GDA's Looking for the enemy that had been pissing them off for the last few months. But the only thing they were finding is that the further they walked the further their underpants crept up their backside. When all of a sudden a Platoon Signaller says on the reasonably busy company net. "I am F**cking bored shitless" laughter can be heard from sataliting patrols and the watch keeper goes ballistic. "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself immediatley, over" a prominant pause "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself NOW, over" To which a confident reply says "Hello zero this is the unknown call sign... I said i was ******* bored not ******* stupid... Peace Out"

Looking back at that night and with a smile i think... "Thank the god of war for boredom"
 
#7
A few radio calls...

"Commanche two six, Blue One. We are in high speed pursuit of a blue Opel Kadett, Northbound on Rte Connecticut, passing 46 Northing" (Blue is an Abrams tank platoon careening through Mosul at 50mph)

"For anyone who cares, Blue is leaving FOB Patriot, destination Ft Crazyhorse" (we couldn't get any reply on the radio, but it turned out everyone else was receiving)

"Red One, Tacoma Six nine. We need you to take a photograph of the bomb and hand it in at the debriefing"
"Six nine, red one. You want me to get out of my tank, walk up to the bomb, and take a photograph of it?"
"Roger. It's for our storyboard to brief the Brigade Commander tonight. The engineers did it last week"
"Good for the engineers"

"Commanche Two Six, Blue one. I'm at the intersection you requested, but I don't see any suspicious vehi-BOOOM!!! (Car bomb detonates)... Never mind"

"Gate, this is CP One"
"Gate"
"What's the guidance on bringing a live sheep onto the base?"
"Did you say a live sheep?"
"Yes. He claims the Turks wanted one. Probably they want to sacrifice it or have a barbeque or something"
"Did you search the sheep?"
"The outside, yes"
"Let him in then"

"Three, one"
"Three"
"Why is your loader jumping up and down in his hatch?"
"This is three lima. A bottle of gatorade I had left on the edge of the hatch fell down and landed on my testicles. My crew told me that jumping up and down would help the circulation"
"Umm.. OK"
(Five minutes later)
"One, three lima"
"One, go ahead"
"Can you send the medic back here?"
"Sure. Why?"
"My left nut is twice the size of my right nut"
(Silence)
"He's on his way"

"Anaconda Main, this is North ECP"
"Anaconda Main"
"There are two guys screwing a donkey out here"

"Six, Red three. We need you to put the interpreter on the radio so he can tell these guys here that it's not safe to keep going"
"Roger. Stand by"
"Derka Derka etc." (Interpreter talking to local civilian on the company net)
"This is six nine (Our RTO).. Why is there someone talking Arabic on our net?"
"Six nine, this is six. We needed to tell some locals to keep away. If you were bothering to listen to the net, you'd have known"
"Oh, I don't listen to anything that's not directed at me"
(Cue silence. Apparently every crew groaned over their intercom. The CO (Six) looked at his TC in disbelief: "Did he just say that?")

And that's just some of it, and only radio calls. Let alone what we got up to.

NTM
 
#8
Conversation basra palace front gate over the prr
" Guard room here anyone get a steer on that gunshot seems very close? "
" Rear traffic here about 10 meters to my front boss "
" Guard room rear traffic was that an nd ?"
" hang on I 'LL ask him "
Sentry then walks over to loading bay and politely asks high ranking indviduial who has just fired into loading bay
if he meant to do that everyone else is busy looking else where .
" guard room this is rear traffic he just told me to fcuk off you decide "
" guard room roger that out "
 
#9
Bad_Crow said:
It was a hot summers night during op telic 4. & the boys of a normally busy battle group were out on GDA's Looking for the enemy that had been pissing them off for the last few months. But the only thing they were finding is that the further they walked the further their underpants crept up their backside. When all of a sudden a Platoon Signaller says on the reasonably busy company net. "I am F**cking bored shitless" laughter can be heard from sataliting patrols and the watch keeper goes ballistic. "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself immediatley, over" a prominant pause "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself NOW, over" To which a confident reply says "Hello zero this is the unknown call sign... I said i was * bored not * stupid... Peace Out"

Looking back at that night and with a smile i think... "Thank the god of war for boredom"
Shouldn't thi s be on the urban Myth thread? I heard that story on Exercise Crusader...yes, I am that old!
 
#10
Keep em coming keep em coming... :lol:
 
#11
Cuddles said:
Bad_Crow said:
It was a hot summers night during op telic 4. & the boys of a normally busy battle group were out on GDA's Looking for the enemy that had been pissing them off for the last few months. But the only thing they were finding is that the further they walked the further their underpants crept up their backside. When all of a sudden a Platoon Signaller says on the reasonably busy company net. "I am F**cking bored shitless" laughter can be heard from sataliting patrols and the watch keeper goes ballistic. "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself immediatley, over" a prominant pause "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself NOW, over" To which a confident reply says "Hello zero this is the unknown call sign... I said i was * bored not * stupid... Peace Out"

Looking back at that night and with a smile i think... "Thank the god of war for boredom"
Shouldn't thi s be on the urban Myth thread? I heard that story on Exercise Crusader...yes, I am that old!
This one was doing the rounds (no pun escapes the FPF) in the mid-70s, only then it was the attic sentry at Flax Street Mill........and, yes, GOM is THAT old.
 
#13
Ahhh...

Or maybe and possibly more accuratley considering i aint full of turd. The young lad in question has heard it said before and decided he wanted in on the action by doing his own rendidtion...

Just Maybe!
 
#14
Cuddles said:
Bad_Crow said:
It was a hot summers night during op telic 4. & the boys of a normally busy battle group were out on GDA's Looking for the enemy that had been pissing them off for the last few months. But the only thing they were finding is that the further they walked the further their underpants crept up their backside. When all of a sudden a Platoon Signaller says on the reasonably busy company net. "I am F**cking bored shitless" laughter can be heard from sataliting patrols and the watch keeper goes ballistic. "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself immediatley, over" a prominant pause "Hello Unknown Callsign this is zero, identify yourself NOW, over" To which a confident reply says "Hello zero this is the unknown call sign... I said i was * bored not * stupid... Peace Out"

Looking back at that night and with a smile i think... "Thank the god of war for boredom"
Shouldn't thi s be on the urban Myth thread? I heard that story on Exercise Crusader...yes, I am that old!
Also in the book 'Deadly Beat' by an ex-RUC officer.
 
#15
Op GRANBY, Gulf War 1, the war to end all Iraq wars.

Before hostilities started, US bods invited bout 30 of us brits to watch movie in their camp. All organised, Sheets tied together draped over container as screen. The US organiser told us his wife had sent him the latest movie on vid. Hooray we thought, how super the Yanks are.

Watch film, bout 200 bods watching when the movie suddenly slips into porn, bloke and bird on bed. Bloke gives it rooty toot. the audience of course enthralled and delighted with this surprise material. Suddenly the camera pans into woman who we only just then see her face..... the organiser pipes up thats my wife with the guy from next door..
Camera zooms in on wife who then says "Thats for shaggin that bitch from the coffee shop".....

Excellent
 
#16
The following were overheard during a contact:

Tgt indication: "Top floor, end house. He's just fired an RPG at me, the f**king wnaker!"
Multiple commander to bod:"Pte ******. Get the f**king radio!" "Ram it!"
 
#17
working as a civvie in iraq, we were doing eod clearance of a power line between Basrah and al Amarrah, a new guy just joined us and as it had been raining, the desert was wet (well, it would be wouldn't it) he then asked "is the water from rainfall or is it tidal?" I stopped in my tracks and reminded him he was 150km from the sea, yes it was tidal. if he reads this he'll recognise himself, won't you "low tide"
 
#18
Christmas Day 2003, OP Telic II was drawing to a close and me and an ED Signals friend of mine were trying to decide whether to go to the Sig's, Engr's or civvie CP team's bar (oh! the dilemma of post war Iraq). The Scaley's had Stella n Becks, the Wedgies had a DJ, but the civvies had SPIRITS! We'd done a few favours for the CP boys and had been told we were always welcome so we opted for the button-back leather couches, pool table and darts board of the civs bar. We wandered over and were promptly welcomed in. We both downed about 8 double rum & cokes, a few games of pool and a game of darts, the usual stuff. WE WERE LA-HOOSHED! About 12 o'clock (I guess), we drunkenly staggered back to our tents (after spewing up till only bile came out) and found the rest of the LAD boys there necking cans of turkish lager. The lads had taken offence at my pal and I snubbing the them on christmas day and had taken their anger out on our bed spaces. A bit difficult righting a wronged camp cot while three sheets to the wind but no real dramas. I got my head down and then the fun started (for them).
I was woken at about about 9 the next mornin an felt like shíte, my hair was all covered in a sticky glue-like substance, and there was a funny eggy smell. A few days earlier we had celebrated one of the Liney's birthdays and it had ended in nakedness and pubic shaving, the remenants of which were still in a pile in the corner of our tent. I figured the lads had given me a wig of pubes usin' pritt stick or some other shít and I laughed it off. I then shuffled to the ablutions tent for a wash and found I had been scrawled with all sorts of slogans and swear words with permanent marker (I was still laughing). I got in the shower to wash my booze riddled body. it was then that clumps of my beautiful hair started to appear at my feet (I stopped laughing), I was a little worried. More and more hair was coming out and the worrying had turned to panic. I pulled back the shower curtain and looked in the mirror only to see myself staring back looking like I was suffering from a severe case of alopecia. I cried out to the boys and they all came thundering in, some giggling their títs off while others looked abit worried themselves. I was then showed photographs and video footage of the "assault" being carried out. The mysterious eggy smell was from a cup full of the American version of Immac that had been aquired from the PX. It had been "liberally" smeared on my head and testicles (which I hadn't as yet noticed were red and bald). I had been customarily graffiti'd and apparently I had "pushed back" on a four cell maglite.
My hair had to all come off which meant mach 3'ing it and my skin had to be scrubbed for about an hour. The tiffy wouldn't let me go to the cookhouse for about a week (too many headsheds) coz my hair cut was too agressive so I had to live on Pizzahut (oh! the dilemma of post-war Iraq). The photos were sent to "mate in a state" in Loaded mag but were never printed. It took ages to grow back and I swear it is still a different shade of brown! Anyway gents, the moral of the story is don't bin yer mates on Chrimbo day. Also, if you get "done over" like I did, buy some Laxative from the PX and slip it into the offenders brews so they all think they are suffering from D&V. HA!
 
#19
The yank troop patrolling a rural village in Iraq?
The Brit SF had given them training in the 'Hearts And Minds' concept, so they were doing their first practical exercise.
It was market day and it was a bustling but friendly atmosphere. Two of the guys wandered over to a group of old boys with camels and after passing fags and chocolate etc. around, struck up a conversation with them. One of the old boys spoke a little english, but they started to run out of things to say. With a flash of inspiration, one yank asked the old guy what the time was.
With great dignity the old boy leaned forward and gently taking a camels testicles in his hand, swayed them side to side.
He leaned back and said, confidently, "It's 10 o'clock".
The yank slyly glanced at his watch - bugger me! - it was 10 o'clock exactly!!
"How the fcuk did you do that??" The old boy just smiled . .
The yank is now thinking, what a hell of a party trick to show the folks on the ranch back home!
Cut a long story short, 2000 fags and $500 dollars later, the Iraqi agreed to share the wisdom of the desert dwellers.
He shifted his seat and invited the yank to take his place. He instructed him to carefully take the camel's tackle in one hand and gently sway them side to side. With deep concentration and a sense of the mystical, he did so.
" Now what?" he asked hopefully
" Now that it's bollocks are out of the way, you can clearly see the clock tower . . .!"
 
#20
Milamber said:
Op GRANBY, Gulf War 1, the war to end all Iraq wars.

Before hostilities started, US bods invited bout 30 of us brits to watch movie in their camp. All organised, Sheets tied together draped over container as screen. The US organiser told us his wife had sent him the latest movie on vid. Hooray we thought, how super the Yanks are.

Watch film, bout 200 bods watching when the movie suddenly slips into porn, bloke and bird on bed. Bloke gives it rooty toot. the audience of course enthralled and delighted with this surprise material. Suddenly the camera pans into woman who we only just then see her face..... the organiser pipes up thats my wife with the guy from next door..
Camera zooms in on wife who then says "Thats for shaggin that bitch from the coffee shop".....

Excellent
gleaming story!
 

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