Iraq Lottery

Stymied for months in their efforts to find a reliable group to assume power, the Bush administration today concluded their Takeover Lottery, selecting by chance the party who will assume control of the beleaguered region.

Stepping forward with the winning ticket was a Homer Simpson from the town of Springfield in the great state of Confusion in the U. S. of A.

Surrounded by a bank of microphones accompanied by his wife Marge, and their children, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, a beaming Simpson, waved his ticket aloft. Explaining his good fortune, he noted, “If you really want something in life, you really have to work for it.”

Standing by his side was the proprietor of the local Kwik-E-Mart where he bought his ticket, a man whom Simpson introduced simply as Apu, together with his wife, Manjula, and his octuplet children.

Asked to say a few words, Apu thanked the God Shiva, the destroyer, for “helping make this all possible,” adding how in addition to lottery tickets his store featured a super squishee machine, a treat which the Iraqis were “sure to love.”

Simpson then addressed the assemblage, speaking enthusiastically how he expected to bring to Iraq the best that America has to uplift an “ignorant and deprived people.”

He spoke glowingly of making the Mid East safe for Krusty burgers; of airlifts of burritos and fried chicken, and of beer flowing in the streets. Characterizing himself, like his President, a man of vision, he added “I have a dream, “a chain of Krispy Kreme Donuts stretching from Newark and Springfield to Mosul and Basra.” Bart quickly interjected, “Dad, don’t forget skateboarding and comic books, especially Radioactive Man. We don’t want the Iraqi children to think we’re forgetting them.”

Simpson went on to name his first appointments: Moe Szyslak, Secretary of Thirst; Ned Flanders, Secretary of Devotion, one, who, he added “ was sure to “set those people right on their religious practices;” Charles Montgomery Burns, Developer of Weapons of Mass Destruction; Principle Skinner, Superintendent of Know-How; and Clancy Wiggum, Chief of Security, “a guy who really knows how to crack heads.”

Asked the role the Iraqi people would play in governing the country, Simpson said, “Yeah, like they really know what they’re doing,” slapping his head and regurgitating a resounding “d’oh!”

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