Inventor unveils portable all in one portable tragedy shrine

From the Daily Mash, which contains excellence...

A BRITISH inventor has developed an all-in-one council estate tragedy shrine that can be erected within seconds of something 'sad' happening.

Sympathise with strangers using wax and tin
The Portagrief weighs just two kilograms and comes pre-loaded with decaying tulips, a poorly-composed sympathy poem and a tatty-looking teddy bear.

Inventor, Martin Bishop, said: "Within moments of something happening to somebody you've never met, you can share your fake sadness with friends, neighbours and the audience of Sky News.

"It's the indispensable item for the childish, mal-educated grief-vampire who wants to appear really upset in as public a way as possible."

The Portagrief will be offered in three basic models - the Executed Gangsta, the Teenage Traffic Accident and the Little Angel, which will include a card with the message 'yoos in hevin now'.

Bishop added: "I was watching a Sky News reporter standing outside some council estate shit-igloo and the question suddenly occurred to me - where would the average ghoul in the street get their hands on an elaborate tea light holder at four o'clock in the morning?"

Nikki Hollis, a grade six untermensch from Carlisle, said: "When that toddler went missing from down the road, I had my Portagrief Little Angel outside the family's door before the police had turned up.

"Unfortunately they found her the next day so she's not in hevin, which is a shame for her."
Love it...
Twisted genius in action; it would sell, no question about it!
Some good folks on other 'Internet' Forums thought that this was the 'lowest of the low'...... and that it was real. Some folks want to lighten up a little....
They'll be the demented/drug crazed illiterates who flame each other in the comments area at the bottom of YouTube videos.
03-09-10 MINI has made its first foray into the lucrative 'crossover' market with the launch of a 115,000 tonne aircraft carrier.

It even has a little socket for your iPod​
The Mini Aircraftman has its roots in the original design by Sir Alec Issigonis, but is 330 metres longer and can carry up to 90 F14 tomcats.

Parent company BMW said the new model is designed to attract customers who may have been tempted by the Nissan Qashqai but wanted something with a bit more luggage space.

A spokesman said: "The Aircraftman is great about town or on country roads with plenty of room for your growing family. It's also really useful if you need to project power, say in the Arabian Gulf or off the coast of North Korea."

The new model has already been awarded the maximum five-star NCAP safety rating with tests showing that if you were in a collision you would have no idea you had been in a collision.

Carbon emissions of 537,000g/km mean it will cost more than £3m per year to tax, but Mini said owners would save on insurance because it is virtually impossible to damage and you can only steal it if you have all 27 keys as well as 'code nine' clearance from the National Security Agency.

But Mini enthusiast Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park said: "There's something about it which just isn't quite 'Mini'. I can't put my finger on it.

"Perhaps it would help if there was another remake of the Italian Job and they had half a dozen of them going up and down some steps in the centre of Turin."
10-05-10 SALES of the British-built L115A3 long-range sniper rifle have risen by almost 250% in a single week, it emerged last night.

Fuck your iPad​
The record-breaking increase comes after a corporal in the Household Cavalry blew the heads off five Taliban insurgents from the bathroom window of his house in Oxfordshire, almost 4000 miles away.

The corporal, who cannot be identified because he is probably Andy McNab, was at home photo-shopping his face out of his own wedding pictures when he received an SOS call from a platoon who were pinned down and required urgent sniper assistance.

Sources said the corporal made the kills then ran to the other side of the house and won a fairground sharp-shooting competition that was taking place in Houston, Texas.

A spokesman from manufacturers Accuracy International who wished to remain anonymous because he is probably Andy McNab said: "It's a versatile killing machine that you can a potter around with at home or use as part of CIA black-op that does not exist."

Mother-of-two Sally Gordon, from Hatfield, bought an L115A3 for her son's ninth birthday. She said: "All I heard for about a week was 'mummy can I have an L115A3? Mummy can I have an L115A3?'. It was driving me bonkers.

"I found a website that was doing them half price and he could trade in his RPA Rangemaster .50 at the same time. He hardly ever used that old thing anyway - the night-scope kept catching on the clip of his dungarees."

She added: "He's so happy with the L115A3. Its superior weight-to-range ratio is much better suited to his size and offers unparalleled accuracy and adaptability in a variety of adverse weather conditions. And it came with a Pizza Hut voucher."

Weekend air-rifle enthusiast Cyril Thompson who is probably Andy NcNab, said: "Before, when I took my little nephews out shooting we were limited to rats, pigeons, maybe the odd Asian. But last Sunday Eric took down two cows that were lined up with a single shot.

"Quite impressive stuff when you consider that one of them was in Colchester and the other was in Tunisia."

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