Afternoon. Or it was last time I dared look at the clock. I am sick to the back teeth, tonsils, oesophagus and beyond of my current job. T'is boring and full of people who use expressions like "we really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet here". We have a meeting on Monday to conclude the meeting we had on Friday, which was initially called to discuss the progress made in the weekly meeting we had on Wednesday. The bottom rung staff all "Tawk lyak dis, innit", wear baseball caps with the labels left on and reek of whatever toilet water the latest overpaid braindead footballist has sellotaped his name to. On the plus side, the coffee is free. And they do let me leave at 5:30 (ish) pm. So, as I have never previously been fired from any form of employment (Summer skivvy in my father's office does not count) I thought it might be rather fun to try it. Major embezzlement (bar Tassimo disks, pens, laptops and little things like that) is far too mainstream and I am reliably informed that I would not do well in prison. Sexual misconduct is also out, as the only vaguely shaggable person in the office is about as straight as a nine pound note and deeply devoted to the Baby Jeebus. And in any case I prefer my vertebrae all attached to each other, which I suspect I would no longer enjoy if my dirty great Scots husband were to catch wind of it. Can I have your ideas written in Ladbrokes mini-pen on the traditional Stella-soaked beermat please folks?