Inventive Ways of Getting Fired

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LucreziaBorgia, May 12, 2012.

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  1. Afternoon. Or it was last time I dared look at the clock.

    I am sick to the back teeth, tonsils, oesophagus and beyond of my current job. T'is boring and full of people who use expressions like "we really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet here". We have a meeting on Monday to conclude the meeting we had on Friday, which was initially called to discuss the progress made in the weekly meeting we had on Wednesday. The bottom rung staff all "Tawk lyak dis, innit", wear baseball caps with the labels left on and reek of whatever toilet water the latest overpaid braindead footballist has sellotaped his name to.

    On the plus side, the coffee is free. And they do let me leave at 5:30 (ish) pm.

    So, as I have never previously been fired from any form of employment (Summer skivvy in my father's office does not count) I thought it might be rather fun to try it. Major embezzlement (bar Tassimo disks, pens, laptops and little things like that) is far too mainstream and I am reliably informed that I would not do well in prison. Sexual misconduct is also out, as the only vaguely shaggable person in the office is about as straight as a nine pound note and deeply devoted to the Baby Jeebus. And in any case I prefer my vertebrae all attached to each other, which I suspect I would no longer enjoy if my dirty great Scots husband were to catch wind of it.

    Can I have your ideas written in Ladbrokes mini-pen on the traditional Stella-soaked beermat please folks?
  2. Are you my wife?
  3. wear a crucifix at work
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Stop washing and changing your clothes.

    Go to work pissed.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. They'd only assume I was one of the agents.

    They haven't fired me for that yet, sadly. Perhaps if I came in sober....
  6. That very much depends on whether or not you are my husband?
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Try some of these: Office Dares

    Office Dares



    1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
    2. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
    3 .Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
    4. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
    5. Leave your zip open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
    6. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
    7. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


    1.Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
    2.Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
    3.Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
    4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
    5.Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


    1.At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).
    2.Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
    3.For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
    4.Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
    5.After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
    6.While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
    7.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
    8.At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
    9.In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
    10.Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
    11.Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
    12.Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
    13.Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
    14.Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
    15.Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
    16.Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don't remove it.
    17.Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
    18.During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
    19.Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

    I know it's an old one, but it still makes me laugh.

    More stuff here:
    • Like Like x 5
  8. Let the bankers of run riot with your money for a while.
    Millions of others end up being fired for no fault of their own.

    Now that was creative!
  9. Okay. What about accidentally wiping the computer system with an industrial magnet?
  10. admit that your going to have a sex change & want to become Jan the Man.
    start wearing dresses & suggest that you also want to retire a 60.
    and that you will take your case to the european court for human rights.

    may not get you fired but will be a laugh for the rest of us.
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Call your boss a cunt to his face and admit at the same time you've been shagging his wife/daughter/sister
  12. Or even his mother & she gives really good head!;-)
  13. I reckon you should take the office space approach. Gut a fish at your workstation, dismantle your cubicle (if you have one), nick a printer, or even better destroy it in the workplace, the list is endless. My personal favourite is to go to a meeting and slowly move your chair towards the door, or at the end suggest you all sing the national anthem. Another one is to wander around the office with a mug in one hand and a key board in the other and occassionally ask if someone would mind going to the loo with you as your hands are full and your need to pee (a la John Travollta). Failing all that just don't go in, they'll soon get the message.
    • Like Like x 3
  14. I want to do the John Travolta "need a pee" one.

    I feel the fact that I am sans penis will make this even more amusing. :nod:
    • Like Like x 2
  15. go commando in the office & tell everyone you have just been on selction for "them"
    tell your boss it's all part of the selection process and that next week you could be in afgan.