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#61
And..... Hopefully your lunch is over now...

Guess what part of me this beauty is...

View attachment 387022
Hmm, let's see now, concerned that it might be bad AIDS, mention of knob rot, posts weird photo obviously taken internally.

It must be your arsehole, torn to shreds and stitched up again following a dry-bumming session with a large West African gentleman - who wasn't gentle in the slightest, nor a gentleman.

You depraved, raving bender.
 
#62
Hmm, let's see now, concerned that it might be bad AIDS, mention of knob rot, posts weird photo obviously taken internally.

It must be your ********, torn to shreds and stitched up again following a dry-bumming session with a large West African gentleman - who wasn't gentle in the slightest, nor a gentleman.

You depraved, raving bender.
It's a fair cop.

Actually it was a big, beefy, blond Afrikaans cop named Johann.

Who knew speeding punishments were so kinetic in Loughborough?
 
#64
It's a fair cop.

Actually it was a big, beefy, blond Afrikaans cop named Johann.

Who knew speeding punishments were so kinetic in Loughborough?
At least he was polite enough to let you keep your wallet, less the amount he took to send you flowers afterwards.

West Africans tend to be less considerate.
 
#65
Well chaps, the hospital has deemed it appropriate to finally release me after two months. For the curious, the problem was an almost completely blocked small intestine (specifically the duodenum), not by coincidence, in the exact location of a hemorrhaging ulcer that nearly killed me before Christmas (French hospital had to put six pints of blood into me, and cauterize the ulcer to fix me). The surgeons here in the UK couldn't unblock the obstruction so (grossness alert....) Cut a hole in the bottom of my stomach, pulled up part of my small intestine into said stomach and then cut a hole into that too. A bit of stapling and sewing later, and I was hopefully repaired.

The trouble now, and the reason for this post, is that I have absolutely bugger all appetite and am losing weight at an astronomical rate. I was twelve stone at Christmas, now I'm under nine stone, and still dropping by a few pounds every day.

What l need are suggestions for liquidy and very nourishing meals. The hospital nutritionist has been in touch and can only recommend Complan, which goes down easily, but is only about 300 calories.

Any ideas? It be a bugger to now die of malnutrition....
 
Last edited:
#67
What l need are suggestions for liquidy and very nourishing meals. The hospital nutritionist has been in touch and can only recommend Complain, which goes down easily, but is only about 300 calories.

Any ideas? It be a bugger to now die of malnutrition....
My google-fu says...

11 Smoothie Recipes for Weight Gain - The Healthy Way!

and includes a recipe for a 2,000 calorie smoothie which I guess you could make more liquidy with more milk. Translated from American measurements and ingredients:
  • 200ml full-fat milk
  • 2 bananas (can be substituted with ½ avocado)
  • 2 scoops protein powder
  • 100g ice cream (preferably similar flavour to the protein powder)
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 50g porridge oats
  • 4 tbsp peanut butter (presumably the smooth rather than crunchy sort. I should think you could use Nutella as an alternative if you don't like peanuts)
  1. Soak the oats in the milk before blending them
  2. The protein powder and peanut butter should be added to the blender after some of the other ingredients have gone in to avoid them getting stuck to the bottom and being difficult to blend properly.
I think you can also get liquid vitamin and mineral supplements to make sure you're getting all the stuff you need to repair yourself.

Have you got a smoothie-maker?
 
#68
My google-fu says...

11 Smoothie Recipes for Weight Gain - The Healthy Way!

and includes a recipe for a 2,000 calorie smoothie which I guess you could make more liquidy with more milk. Translated from American measurements and ingredients:
  • 200ml full-fat milk
  • 2 bananas (can be substituted with ½ avocado)
  • 2 scoops protein powder
  • 100g ice cream (preferably similar flavour to the protein powder)
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 50g porridge oats
  • 4 tbsp peanut butter (presumably the smooth rather than crunchy sort. I should think you could use Nutella as an alternative if you don't like peanuts)

  1. Soak the oats in the milk before blending them
  2. The protein powder and peanut butter should be added to the blender after some of the other ingredients have gone in to avoid them getting stuck to the bottom and being difficult to blend properly.
I think you can also get liquid vitamin and mineral supplements to make sure you're getting all the stuff you need to repair yourself.

Have you got a smoothie-maker?
That's just the ticket, perfect.

I've got a manual shakey-type smoothy maker, should work fine.

Thanks!
 
#69
Well chaps, the hospital has deemed it appropriate to finally release me after two months. For the curious, the problem was an almost completely blocked small intestine (specifically the duodenum), not by coincidence, in the exact location of a hemorrhaging ulcer that nearly killed me before Christmas (French hospital had to put six pints of blood into me, and cauterize the ulcer to fix me). The surgeons here in the UK couldn't unblock the obstruction so (grossness alert....) Cut a hole in the bottom of my stomach, pulled up part of my small intestine into said stomach and then cut a hole into that too. A bit of stapling and sewing later, and I was hopefully repaired.

The trouble now, and the reason for this post, is that I have absolutely bugger all appetite and am losing weight at an astronomical rate. I was twelve stone at Christmas, now I'm under nine stone, and still dropping by a few pounds every day.

What l need are suggestions for liquidy and very nourishing meals. The hospital nutritionist has been in touch and can only recommend Complain, which goes down easily, but is only about 300 calories.

Any ideas? It be a bugger to now die of malnutrition....
Can you manage porridge?
Soup. Make a good broth then liquidise it.
 
#70
My google-fu says...

11 Smoothie Recipes for Weight Gain - The Healthy Way!

and includes a recipe for a 2,000 calorie smoothie which I guess you could make more liquidy with more milk. Translated from American measurements and ingredients:
  • 200ml full-fat milk
  • 2 bananas (can be substituted with ½ avocado)
  • 2 scoops protein powder
  • 100g ice cream (preferably similar flavour to the protein powder)
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 50g porridge oats
  • 4 tbsp peanut butter (presumably the smooth rather than crunchy sort. I should think you could use Nutella as an alternative if you don't like peanuts)

  1. Soak the oats in the milk before blending them
  2. The protein powder and peanut butter should be added to the blender after some of the other ingredients have gone in to avoid them getting stuck to the bottom and being difficult to blend properly.
I think you can also get liquid vitamin and mineral supplements to make sure you're getting all the stuff you need to repair yourself.

Have you got a smoothie-maker?
This. Chuck in a raw egg as well for a bit of extra protein.
 
#71
Well chaps, the hospital has deemed it appropriate to finally release me after two months. For the curious, the problem was an almost completely blocked small intestine (specifically the duodenum), not by coincidence, in the exact location of a hemorrhaging ulcer that nearly killed me before Christmas (French hospital had to put six pints of blood into me, and cauterize the ulcer to fix me). The surgeons here in the UK couldn't unblock the obstruction so (grossness alert....) Cut a hole in the bottom of my stomach, pulled up part of my small intestine into said stomach and then cut a hole into that too. A bit of stapling and sewing later, and I was hopefully repaired.

The trouble now, and the reason for this post, is that I have absolutely bugger all appetite and am losing weight at an astronomical rate. I was twelve stone at Christmas, now I'm under nine stone, and still dropping by a few pounds every day.

What l need are suggestions for liquidy and very nourishing meals. The hospital nutritionist has been in touch and can only recommend Complain, which goes down easily, but is only about 300 calories.

Any ideas? It be a bugger to now die of malnutrition....
What about adding powdered complan to a pint of beer, if that doesn't jack up your calories I don't what will
 

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