Internet diagnosis requested

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Taffd, Oct 1, 2012.

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  1. Right then, you diagnosticians, obviously as a result of contracting the bad AIDS, my right thumbnail seems to have had a serious panic attack.

    To elucidate; for a few weeks my thumbnail has had a 'dip' in it, a groove if you will. Not the result of any trauma, as far as I recall. Obviously with nails growing, the groove moved slowly towards the end of the nail.

    This morning, much to my surprise, a piece of the nail, groove/dip size, approximately 9mm by 3mm, flaked off. Not the whole thickness of the nail you understand, just a thin delamination.

    The fact of the matter is, perusing google would mean opening another window on my browser, something I feel requires too much effort, so I put the question to ARRSE:-

    What is this fingernail anomaly, and do I have time to boil an egg?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. .
    You will die.
     
  3. Only if you are having a bbq.

    As for the thumb... most animals don't need them, so you won't miss it.
     
  4. Trauma to the nail bed a few months back......




    Obviously precipitated by your hideous case of AIDS with syphilis complications! To cure it you must sleep with your thumb inserted into your rectum for 4 weeks! To speed up healing, apply Tabasco to the nail bed pre-bedtime (it increases blood flow see)

    Trust me....I'm medical!
     
    • Like Like x 3
  5. Yeah, but what of, that's the mystery?
     
  6. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    And this is exactly the reason why you shouldn't drink windowlene during the day.
     
  7. Old age?
     
  8. Ah, someone who knows what they're talking about. Thanks for the advice Doc, but just to clarify, I'm to change thumbs and now insert the poorly one, is that right?
     
  9. And with a fucked thumb? that's no way to go.
     
  10. Have a lemsip and a wank you'll feel a lot better.
     
  11. Being a cunt.

    Now stop worrying and eat a curry.
     
  12. Sounds to me like an enlarged prostate.
     
  13. Grumblegrunt

    Grumblegrunt LE Book Reviewer

    or agrivated piles.

    do you have the urge to stay up late, drink lots of beer and wee all the time? - if so we may be to late.

    liquidation of your worldly wealth and conversion to scientology so your soul can be encoded onto a gold plated dvd might be the only way to prevent the fiery one from parking his harley in your bum crack. (it must work tottenham won 3-2 after a scientology visit - apparently)
     
  14. A former colleague had fucked up fingernails in the manner you describe. He had "heavy metal poisoning", whatever that entails. He is still alive (as far as I know)
     
  15. It sounds very much like nail cancer-aids, a rare condition that is caused by the Daily Mail, but only on certain days of the week as it alternates regularly by being good for you one day and fatal the next.