International Porn Etiquette

#1
After a serious amount of appalling and very time-consuming research, I've discovered that even when it comes to porn, national characteristics are still very much in evidence.

GERMAN PORN: Nobody seems to be enjoying themselves. There are conversations mid-thrust about the state of the Euro. Everybody seems to be quite old - there are lots of "Omas". And why do they always pish on each other in the final scene? Bizarre.

BRITISH PORN: Lots of cock-a-ney or Essex accents and beer bellies. Mostly "dogging", lots of 'sex parties in the pub' and mostly pretty damned ugly, to boot. The British seem to favour older birds with titles, enjoying their toys while attempting to talk 'posh' to the rapists that they've invited into their homes. Nobody takes their socks off, which is a national disgrace, imho.

FRENCH PORN: The Frogs seem to enjoy doing it outside or in lifts. Lots of shots of couples 'having fun' by the edge of the Autoroute du Sud or on the apron at Orly Airport.

EASTERN EUROPEAN PORN: Apart from the ghastly state of most of the rooms they film in - there's always a horrible cheap carpet on the bed, or the wall, the general obsession seems to be younger men 'surprised' by an older tart. Huge amounts of cunnilingus follows. Nobody else seems to do this. Again, like the Boxheads, nobody seems to be having much fun - probably because the Chechen with the video camera at the end of the bed has got a 9mm in the spout.

AMERICAN PORN: If it's not some jock in "the dorm" boning some teenager, again with his (white) socks on, it's all about huge thighs and it's all very vocal. Septics can't keep their gobs shut even when there's a c0ck in it. They turn the whole act into some kind of power struggle - lots of urgent discussion about "pussies" and "filling them in". It all has to be perfect and ends up being a bit dull as a result.

JAPANESE PORN: Again, lots of cunnilingus and mostly very young women doing a lot of moaning while a businessman who looks like Hirohito relives his Bushido past, waiving his tiny penis about, getting his rocks off with no thought for the woman in the 'encounter'. The woman is lucky not to be bunged in a tin box and left in the hot sun all afternoon.

TURKISH PORN: Usually a huge, fat-bellied man and a small boy in a sauna.

IRANIAN PORN: Best not to go there.

DUTCH / BELGIAN PORN: It's all about swingers. Every Belgian and every Dutch couple seem to have a personal website where you can watch Daisy or Mohammed (we live in modern times) porking each other on the dining room table. There's always a message board, where you can leave appreciative messages. Very, very odd.

Anyway. What about the rest of the world? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who looks at porn sites.
 
#2
Disagree on the Eastern European Porn. The women are usually fit, nicely tanned with dark hair and blue eyes. It's about as erotic as putting tour dick in a Brevil sandwich maker though. The fit bird stares with dead eyes into the camera as twenty or so blokes with bandanas on their heads plough out their arrse. Yawn
 
#3
Disagree on the Eastern European Porn. The women are usually fit, nicely tanned with dark hair and blue eyes. It's about as erotic as putting tour dick in a Brevil sandwich maker though. The fit bird stares with dead eyes into the camera as twenty or so blokes with bandanas on their heads plough out their arrse. Yawn
Aye, the 8 inch stare. You can almost hear the Polish director's voice directing the thing, or asking for new batteries, which is very off-putting.

I forgot to mention the American obsession with 'allowing very fit, black men to sport themselves with their own wives while they film the whole thing in a hotel room in Palm Springs'. That's very, very strange and says a lot about the state of modern America. Nobody else seems to do this.
 
#4
There is porn on the internet?
 
#5
BRITISH: I thought they stopped wearing socks after the black and white five pic photo packs of the 1960s back rooms went away. Got some of them! But for first rate British material, search for anything by Ben Dover and/or Big Omar!!

JAPANESE: Can anyone who's been in Japan explain the din those women cause howling with each in/out stroke? What is that all about?
 
#6
BRITISH: I thought they stopped wearing socks after the black and white five pic photo packs of the 1960s back rooms went away. Got some of them! But for first rate British material, search for anything by Ben Dover and/or Big Omar!!

JAPANESE: Can anyone who's been in Japan explain the din those women cause howling with each in/out stroke? What is that all about?
Socks are de-rigueur in the UK, alas. So are the stupid names: Ben Dover or Lady Sonia, who is so ladylike she is happy to whip out a fisting thing while serving espresso. Very odd.

And I agree, the Japanese seem to enjoy moaning while the world's smallest knob is introduced to a reluctant client. Equally odd. I suppose it's a satirical thing.
 
#8
Japanese: what is their fascination with touching birds up on buses and forced sex?
 
#10
And why are those Japanese birds all so hairy? It's like watching Chewbacca yawning.
 
#11
And why are those Japanese birds all so hairy? It's like watching Chewbacca yawning.
There's nothing wrong with a hairy clunge, unless you're a priest, or sit on the other (school) bus. Men over 35 know that there once existed real women with real tits and hairy muffs. Men under 35 (or Americans) expect women to have beach-balls instead of tits and fannies like a 5 year olds.

Japanese porn: all the production crew are introduced and bow to the camera before the action starts. This to me is even more bizarre than the women keeping thier eyes closed during the whole event and moaning as thought they'd inserted one of those barbed anti-rape socks inside-out.

The Japanese also seem to be fascinated by milky-tit porn. (Although I do admit to recently seeing some Japanese lezzer 'bitty' porn which left me with a strange craving for draught Gold Top).
 
#13
Japanese: what is their fascination with touching birds up on buses and forced sex?
It's hilarious!! The woman just looks a bit startled when the guy starts feeling her up. They never complain or shout and the funniest thing is where the cocks and clunges are blurred..I think in an attempt to make it appear real, like it would appear on fucking Crime Watch. :rofl:On the American porn sites, she looks bored as some guy introduces a fist up her hoop, whilst a second bloke is trying to put his limp cock up her minge by bending it and poking it up like a bit of rope. Ahem! Or so I've been led to believe. :frown:
 
#14
The German porn of the 80s was the best - the first German Language training for many British Soldiers.

The films always involved young blond girls and hairy fat men. But it was the soundtracks that were unique:

OOOOOOOOHHH Ya Wunderbar Claus! (every German Porn star was called Claus)

Das ist gut. OOOOOOOOHHH ein grosse pimmel, mein liebe! Mein Got!

Inter mein hintern! Ohhh Ohhh Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! etc
 
#15
There's nothing wrong with a hairy clunge, unless you're a priest, or sit on the other (school) bus. Men over 35 know that there once existed real women with real tits and hairy muffs. Men under 35 (or Americans) expect women to have beach-balls instead of tits and fannies like a 5 year olds.
Call me Mr Picky, but I do like to see evidence of a bit of fanny admin. Most of those Japanese birds are sporting double-Judiths at least!
 
#16
EASTERN EUROPEAN PORN: Apart from the ghastly state of most of the rooms they film in - there's always a horrible cheap carpet on the bed, or the wall, the general obsession seems to be younger men 'surprised' by an older tart. Huge amounts of cunnilingus follows. Nobody else seems to do this. Again, like the Boxheads, nobody seems to be having much fun - probably because the Chechen with the video camera at the end of the bed has got a 9mm in the spout.
The Russian porn is terrible. As you say, an extremely malnourished boy with grey pants gets 'seduced' by a saggy old bint that's as far away from a MILF as humanly possible. The room's a shite-hole, the bed's a grotty piss-stained monstrosity and the desperate look of the poor boy trying to look vaguely interested whist perpetually glancing across at the camera/director in the vain hope he'll be let off whatever dire hold they have over him and he can cease banging the goping old hag below/in-front of him.

US Porn - Not only are we subjected to a torrid stream of 'Yeah, suck my huge dick' and slaps across the bare arse with 'You're bad' we have to endure the stupid stupid voice. They're all trying to be more John Holmes than John Holmes (RIP). It's a cross between bad US afternoon soap voice and a macho Cop show voice-over. You know, the one where white haired old geezer with the brilliant white teeth talks about brave Law enforcement over the bad guys :roll:

And as for Indian porn, fat bald blokes shagging tubby shit-scared birds who look as if their life depends on it (and it probably does). Very sorryful but I'm strangely attracted to dusky Raj ladies.
 
#17
Japanese mainstream porn is a bit boring, but once you get off this and onto other genres the discoveries can be quite extraordinary. My eer.. friend... has recently discovered 'Cat Fight Anal Pro Wrestling'. Whereby nubile Japanese girls enter a wrestling ring to fight each other and the first girl to shove her finger up the other one's bumhole is the winner. There really are no words to describe it!

P.S. what's wrong with having sex whilst wearing socks? I always wear mine cos I get cold feet.

DC
 
#18
Japanese mainstream porn is a bit boring, but once you get off this and onto other genres the discoveries can be quite extraordinary. My eer.. friend... has recently discovered 'Cat Fight Anal Pro Wrestling'. Whereby nubile Japanese girls enter a wrestling ring to fight each other and the first girl to shove her finger up the other one's bumhole is the winner. There really are no words to describe it!

P.S. what's wrong with having sex whilst wearing socks? I always wear mine cos I get cold feet.

DC
Socks? Do you wear them before or after you've wanked in them?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#19
The wearing of socks whilst doing the Wild Thing is not a subject a gentleman introduces in public. All right?

The Japs? Normal sex is pixilated, but if she is spatting baby eels drowned in double choc-chip Hagen Daz (other ice cream brands are available - check the internet for details) out of her starfish and into her sisters gob, thats OK?
 
#20
Why do the nice ladies always wear high heels while being porked..... I mean... so it is understand... that they wear high heels in bed whilst indulging in a bit of carnality frolics... ..So I've been told......

Matron won't like it if she finds out I've been in her office again using her computer...... ooops!!!
 

Similar threads

New Posts

Latest Threads

Top