International Porn Etiquette

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by King_of_the_Burpas, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. After a serious amount of appalling and very time-consuming research, I've discovered that even when it comes to porn, national characteristics are still very much in evidence.

    GERMAN PORN: Nobody seems to be enjoying themselves. There are conversations mid-thrust about the state of the Euro. Everybody seems to be quite old - there are lots of "Omas". And why do they always pish on each other in the final scene? Bizarre.

    BRITISH PORN: Lots of cock-a-ney or Essex accents and beer bellies. Mostly "dogging", lots of 'sex parties in the pub' and mostly pretty damned ugly, to boot. The British seem to favour older birds with titles, enjoying their toys while attempting to talk 'posh' to the rapists that they've invited into their homes. Nobody takes their socks off, which is a national disgrace, imho.

    FRENCH PORN: The Frogs seem to enjoy doing it outside or in lifts. Lots of shots of couples 'having fun' by the edge of the Autoroute du Sud or on the apron at Orly Airport.

    EASTERN EUROPEAN PORN: Apart from the ghastly state of most of the rooms they film in - there's always a horrible cheap carpet on the bed, or the wall, the general obsession seems to be younger men 'surprised' by an older tart. Huge amounts of cunnilingus follows. Nobody else seems to do this. Again, like the Boxheads, nobody seems to be having much fun - probably because the Chechen with the video camera at the end of the bed has got a 9mm in the spout.

    AMERICAN PORN: If it's not some jock in "the dorm" boning some teenager, again with his (white) socks on, it's all about huge thighs and it's all very vocal. Septics can't keep their gobs shut even when there's a c0ck in it. They turn the whole act into some kind of power struggle - lots of urgent discussion about "pussies" and "filling them in". It all has to be perfect and ends up being a bit dull as a result.

    JAPANESE PORN: Again, lots of cunnilingus and mostly very young women doing a lot of moaning while a businessman who looks like Hirohito relives his Bushido past, waiving his tiny penis about, getting his rocks off with no thought for the woman in the 'encounter'. The woman is lucky not to be bunged in a tin box and left in the hot sun all afternoon.

    TURKISH PORN: Usually a huge, fat-bellied man and a small boy in a sauna.

    IRANIAN PORN: Best not to go there.

    DUTCH / BELGIAN PORN: It's all about swingers. Every Belgian and every Dutch couple seem to have a personal website where you can watch Daisy or Mohammed (we live in modern times) porking each other on the dining room table. There's always a message board, where you can leave appreciative messages. Very, very odd.

    Anyway. What about the rest of the world? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who looks at porn sites.
     
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  2. Disagree on the Eastern European Porn. The women are usually fit, nicely tanned with dark hair and blue eyes. It's about as erotic as putting tour dick in a Brevil sandwich maker though. The fit bird stares with dead eyes into the camera as twenty or so blokes with bandanas on their heads plough out their arrse. Yawn
     
  3. Aye, the 8 inch stare. You can almost hear the Polish director's voice directing the thing, or asking for new batteries, which is very off-putting.

    I forgot to mention the American obsession with 'allowing very fit, black men to sport themselves with their own wives while they film the whole thing in a hotel room in Palm Springs'. That's very, very strange and says a lot about the state of modern America. Nobody else seems to do this.
     
  4. There is porn on the internet?
     
  5. BRITISH: I thought they stopped wearing socks after the black and white five pic photo packs of the 1960s back rooms went away. Got some of them! But for first rate British material, search for anything by Ben Dover and/or Big Omar!!

    JAPANESE: Can anyone who's been in Japan explain the din those women cause howling with each in/out stroke? What is that all about?
     
  6. Socks are de-rigueur in the UK, alas. So are the stupid names: Ben Dover or Lady Sonia, who is so ladylike she is happy to whip out a fisting thing while serving espresso. Very odd.

    And I agree, the Japanese seem to enjoy moaning while the world's smallest knob is introduced to a reluctant client. Equally odd. I suppose it's a satirical thing.
     
  7. No, none...
     
  8. Japanese: what is their fascination with touching birds up on buses and forced sex?
     
  9. National characteristics: sneaky and violent.
     
  10. And why are those Japanese birds all so hairy? It's like watching Chewbacca yawning.
     
  11. There's nothing wrong with a hairy clunge, unless you're a priest, or sit on the other (school) bus. Men over 35 know that there once existed real women with real tits and hairy muffs. Men under 35 (or Americans) expect women to have beach-balls instead of tits and fannies like a 5 year olds.

    Japanese porn: all the production crew are introduced and bow to the camera before the action starts. This to me is even more bizarre than the women keeping thier eyes closed during the whole event and moaning as thought they'd inserted one of those barbed anti-rape socks inside-out.

    The Japanese also seem to be fascinated by milky-tit porn. (Although I do admit to recently seeing some Japanese lezzer 'bitty' porn which left me with a strange craving for draught Gold Top).
     
  12. Whats porn?
     
  13. It's hilarious!! The woman just looks a bit startled when the guy starts feeling her up. They never complain or shout and the funniest thing is where the cocks and clunges are blurred..I think in an attempt to make it appear real, like it would appear on fucking Crime Watch. :rofl:On the American porn sites, she looks bored as some guy introduces a fist up her hoop, whilst a second bloke is trying to put his limp cock up her minge by bending it and poking it up like a bit of rope. Ahem! Or so I've been led to believe. :frown:
     
  14. The German porn of the 80s was the best - the first German Language training for many British Soldiers.

    The films always involved young blond girls and hairy fat men. But it was the soundtracks that were unique:

    OOOOOOOOHHH Ya Wunderbar Claus! (every German Porn star was called Claus)

    Das ist gut. OOOOOOOOHHH ein grosse pimmel, mein liebe! Mein Got!

    Inter mein hintern! Ohhh Ohhh Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! etc
     
  15. Call me Mr Picky, but I do like to see evidence of a bit of fanny admin. Most of those Japanese birds are sporting double-Judiths at least!